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I'm trying to hold it together


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Ever since I got out of the crisis center earlier this month it seems everything has gone to shit. My youngest is being very

difficult, my house is a mess from rat pack hubby, the older kids have attitudes, laundry and dishes are piling up.

What am I doing about it all? Sitting here typing this. I have NO motivation.

My mom is being a self righteous bitch bringing me AA literature (when I went into the bin I was drinking for 3 nights in a row.) She sees this as clearly alcoholic behavior since SHE'S been sober for 20 years. I had to actually run upstairs to keep myself from telling her what I really think of her! To top it off, she's a born again christian. I got bibles and scripture crossword puzzles every holiday even though I told her I throw them in the trash!

My hubby is disabled and will never be able to be active & we were a very active family. Hell, he's in constant pain and appealing his last time for SSDI but he is so damn unorganized I fear he will lose his case. I need to get stable enough to get a job and I feel right now that would push me over the edge.

I flipped out in front of my good friend a few weeks ago and just having anyone visit puts too much a strain on me. I can't be counted on by anyone. I'm letting everyone down. AND I'm going through a med adjustment- we all know how much fun that can be!

My daughter needs me to help with her math homnework and I'm so stressed out that I can't even do that! I should just chalk in up to being a loser and accept it. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm just so sick of it all.

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Wow! You sure have a lot on your plate!

The only way I could deal with all that would be to take the 3 most important ones and deal with them, then the next 3. Or 2 or 1 if it is big stuff. Noone can do it all at the same time.

Keep us posted.

And try to be a bit easier on yourself.

Too bad you can't put more space between you and your Mom right now.

raven

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i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. do you have any neighbors, cousins, that can come help clean? If you hand them cleaners as they walk through the door you don't have to talk to them.Send the kids to their friends houses for overnighters? Fake a migraine and lock yourself away from your Mom with a book(or tv)and your favorite munchies? Just take one full day for yourself without worrying about the job thing yet. If you're a wife, mom, and daughter I seriously doubt you've let anyone down. You're just having a shit-assed time of it. Tell your daughter to call a friend or hop on the internet(isn't that what these kids do these days?) I hope things get better for you soon. Ii hope you can get some me time soon.

Blessings

Lilie

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Scatty, you've already heard my ranting and raving at my place today, so I empathize more than you know. I took one look at the destroyed kitchen, popped some xanax and laid down. I just can't handle it. Yes, older ones can indeed have attitudes, and sympathy there too. there's just so much you're saying that is in my life too.

Let's wish us both some luck for a better day tomorrow, or at least a little strength to handle it.

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My daughter needs me to help with her math homnework and I'm so stressed out that I can't even do that! I should just chalk in up to being a loser and accept it.

Nope, you're not a loser. You just have a lot to do right now. Just because things are hard doesn't make you a loser.

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Thanks for the support and understanding. I am just overwhelmed right now. I don't really have anyone to help & it's mostly clutter that has to be sorted out by me and hubby. I have alienated most of my friends by being unavailable over the past year anyway. I have resorted to faking constipation and locking myself in the bathroom. Only place I can be alone for sure. I really apprciate every reply, I just feel so all alone right now. Hubby is being supportive at least. Kids are knowing to tread lightly too, except for my youngest of course. They do the best they can but I'm still feeling so stressed. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

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I have resorted to faking constipation and locking myself in the bathroom. Only place I can be alone for sure.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who does this. Only trouble is, after about 3.7 minutes I get the old, "Is everyhting allright in there?"

Tommy

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I'm still feeling so stressed. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

All too well. I wish I could fake constipation, unfortunately the bathroom seems to be a magnet for interruptions. "Oh mom's in the bathroom? Let's go bang on the door, and is that the telephone and/or doorbell ringing?"

AM's right. Minimum fuss, screw the rest. Clutter won't kill you, I can attest to that, except I would love to live in a cleaner house. Oh well.

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Set a kitchen timer for 15 minutes and pick up all you can in that time. You will be suprised how much you get done. Do this twice anday and the clutter will go away. Make sure you throw out anything you don't love or use.

Even if mom gave it to you.

You are not alone in this. I struggle with clutter too.

raven

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But a HUGE rubber storage bin. Write "To be Sorted" on it with a sharpie. Throw all the junk into the bin. Then 1 year later when you haven't touched or needed anything in the bin, throw the whole thing in the trash.

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Gosh scatty, you sound just like me!

I was in the loony bin for a week due to all the horrible stress in my life, and I get home and everything is still awful. I was NEVER like this last year and it is SO pathetic. Both my son and daughter have attitudes, and sometimes it's all I can do just to bear them.

There is absolutely no one who can help me. Of course I said that before. When something new pops its head up, I'm not surprised and it doesn't add to my stress level anymore, I just really don't care. I feel lonely, too.

I have been out of the hospital for two weeks and no one has come over. Um, come to mention it, no one came to the hospital either. Whatever. I am not a baby, and I don't like to sit here and whine like I am doing now, but I am not sure I can do all of this. Which is what I said before. And look where I ended up.

Raven and WZ have good suggestions, though. The more I clean the more I realize how totally down the tubes I have let my house get. which gives me the excuse to get food and watch TV.

Everyone including my pdoc has suggested that I reach out to them. Well, hell. They can't even not resent me that I was in the freaking hospital.

As I was walking to the car this morning I said to myself, "I am such a loser!" So you aren't alone!

Sam

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Everyone has great advice. I just wish I could get it together long enough to do SOMETHING. I stare at it all and cry. Or scream. Or both. Then I think my house is the LEAST of my problems. Then reality sets in and I realize how much I've let everything go for so long, including my relationships with my kids.

I have to do a little bit of rebuilding at a time, in all the areas of my life. I just have bad thoughts running through my head and a sense of urgency that everything should have been done YESTERDAY. One day at a time I guess. Actually the day after I got outta crisis I went to the mall- ALONE. For the first time in 13 years. Really. I worry about leaving the little one in anyone elses care considering the fact that he's been trying to kill himself since birth (he has no fear, no impulse control.)

I suppose I should be counting on people right now but I feel like I shouldn't NEED to. I've always been the backbone to everything that goes on here (as you moms know- when mom ain't happy- NO ONES happy.) Heh. I'll get through this. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

.

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Don't be hard on yourself. Baby steps!

Make a commitment to do one thing before you post again. Like do the dishes. Then come back and talk.

Remember the only difference between a mountain and a bump is the number of steps it takes to get over it.

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Aww scatty, things sound rough. When crap piles up, it's all to easy to just take things to their logical conclusion--to conclude that you're a loser, and look at all that's happened, and it's always been this way, and will always be this way, etc. etc.

But it's not! I don't know anything about you, but from what you've written I'm very sure things are much better than they look to you right now. Don't point out that I'm wrong! (g)

How is the med change working? You can really only work on one thing at a time. I always wish I could get my hands on those blinders they put on racing horses so that their peripheral vision is blocked, and they don't get distracted.

like Glen said, do something, then come back! I have to go to bed now, but I'll be back! And Wab (Rabbit) is here for ya too.

lily

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Scatty, we are soooo much alike. I had to laugh when you described your son. My 6yo is like that, no fear and an incredible amount of intense energy. Just keeping up with him is exhausting. I no longer have guilt at shoving them in front of the tv for a bit, I figure it's better than mom once again freaking, screaming, ranting and raving. I take naps that way, they literally sit on and around me while they watch a movie or program, so I can feel/hear them. Everyone reassures me that kids are resilient, and having raised one kid that turned out alright, I have to believe it. I know, though, the guilt can eat through you. I understand. Of course it still doesn't help when they have attitudes, and there's fighting and you're pulling your hair out.

I had to see my yard through my friend's eyes this morning, and I was embarrassed. Torn up garbage in the yard (thanks, dogs!), holes dug, the patio's a wreck, lawn needs mowing again... but the energy just isn't there to get out there and clean. I figure it will at some point, until then, I've got other things that are weighing down my mind.

*sigh* too bad we're not in the same town, sister, we could ditch all our kids and go shopping!...

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Scatty:

I have been where you are. There is no worse feeling. Too much to do and not enough time.

Downsize. Do what needs doing and leave the rest. Take it hour by hour. Take time for yourself each day. Make sure of it! A walk, a bath, meditate, listen to music, something that's just for you.

Get the kids what they need and ask them for their help right now. Hubby will have to deal. You simply can't do it all. Period.

You are doing what I did. You are the one who runs the whole show. You are the "Answer Woman" - only you've run out of gas. The only way out of this is to make sure you are doing something for you each day.

As for your mother and her AA lit. That is totally inappropriate. She has no business in yours. Take it for what it is, and ask her to please stop.

You can do this. You can just quiet the world down and make it work from where you are.

Breeze

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