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I hear you. I can understand your feelings of being violated, and fear...You were triggered in a big way, and its natural you'd use a defence that has worked in the past, even though its not the healthiest of ones...

To have cut again doesn't mean you have failed. You're under lots of stress, and you can pick up from where you are now.

How could you feel more in control, without cutting? What if you confronted your parents and asked for privacy? That you understand their concern about you, but that you would speak to them if you really needed to talk to them?

Above all, look after your cuts and stay as safe as you can.

When do you see your dr next?

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I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch and wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

That's also terrible to find out about your parents checking up on you - it's not like you're ten years old anymore! I would feel very violated if I were you, and am impressed that you were brave enough to talk to them about it. As someone who's probably the same age as your folks (I'm 47, from the Paleolithic era), I don't think they have any way to justify their behavior. Privacy is privacy, whether it's on line or in the bathroom, and you're old enough to be given both.

I would have flipped out if my mom had read my hand-written journal from that era, and she probably would have keeled over from a heart attack after she found out how much sex I was sneaking in on the side. I was looking at it not too long ago at the request of my tdoc and realized how very personal it was. I definitely wouldn't want anyone I know to have access to all the shit I've written about here, so I'm sure that must have been a hard thing to find out about your parents.

My soul soothing mechanism is bingeing, not cutting, so I've never stood in your shoes that way, but I do understand about insatiable cravings to do things not in one's best interests, like consuming 2500 calories worth of chocolate at one sitting. Like ~nestling~ said, though, a few slips doesn't mean you've blown it and all those other negative things that come crashing into your head.

You get a chance to choose differently every moment of every day, and you don't have to let the past control the future. Sounds good, huh? I need to have that tatooed onto my forehead in backwards writing so I'll see it every time I look in the mirror, since it's a good plan but one that's hard as hell to follow! B)

I wish there was some way I could help you feel better. I'm glad you go to see your doc soon and I hope she's good and can help. We're purring for you. Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance, and when you're safe from the searchlight swinging back and forth over your computer! I guess this is where I should add, "Hi Dad, have we freaked you right the fuck out yet?" (Sorry, lame attempt at humor, maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep last night.....) Try to take good care of yourself,

Catnapper

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Youch. I'd have been livid at my parents if they did something like that. At least inside my head. I always felt like my folks were trying to break me, and to this day (I'm 47 too) my Dad continues to be disappointed that I'm not like him. He feels this way even tho for the most part I'm a goodie two shoes. Maybe that's good, as my big goal was not to have a temper like his. Anyway, it's important for you to take care of yourself and try to hold yourself together.

I suppose it's irresponsible, but if you can get your parents to agree to stay out of your blog, you can tell them what you really want to say there in a deniable fashion, since they won't be able to admit they read it.

Meanwhile, create an alternate identity. I suppose you can't move your old stuff over or it'll be searchable. Maybe paraphrased.

That's all mechanics. What I really should be saying is that I sympathize for the tough spot you're in. It's not forever, tho at times it may feel like it. You need to get through this with yourself in as good shape as possible. And maybe you can do some things to make it bearable.

My girlfriend's mother, when she was a teenager, used to have problems that must have felt like this (not with computers, obviously). Her solution was things like saying she was going over to a friend's house and go to the library instead. Apparently she was well behaved except very seldom where she said she was going to be. I can imagine saying in your blog that you had told them you were going someplace, but were at this other specific place. Preferably someplace horrible. Then call them from your ostensible, wholesome location for a ride when they are out trying to save you from that other place. But I'm an evil man, and you should ignore me or you're going to get into trouble.

I'm going to be even more irresponsible, as long as you promise to be amused rather than depressed by listening, and tell you that this makes me think of Suicidal Tendencies' song, Institutionalized. I suspect the version from the first album is best. The sample cuts on Amazon are no good because they don't do the good lead in. I actually had the "you're on drugs" accusation levelled against me once when I was really just sleep deprived. And only 14.

Anyway, go ahead and shave half your head, dye the other half purple, get 4 piercings in one ear, wear a black raincoat, play Dresden Dolls at full volume, but NO CUTTING!!!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Good to hear you're doing better. I don't understand cutting, but that doesn't keep me from hoping you won't do it.

(Please forgive me if my examples of extreme appearance are terribly passe, mixed up, and corny. All past my time. It could be worse. My old friends' tastes stopped changing at "London Calling". And they are now dedicated suburbanites.)

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Wow, Kristina, that was some post you wrote on your blog! I hope your parents have sense enough to apologize, but they probably won't because they're like parents everywhere and that means you're wrong and they're always right. Does "Visit Number 6,808" refer to the total hits to your site, or is that the number of visits just by that one ISP? If it's all from the one address maybe you should donate your next pdoc visit to your folks! Sounds like they could use some new coping skills......(heh!) B)

I hope you're hanging in there o.k. and resisting all your urges to cut, the same way I often try to resist the urge to overeat. I know it's tough to do. Totally irrational and harmful cravings suck. ;)

I didn't go to college, but moved out in September after I graduated high school in June, and it was a great feeling! My dad died when I was 11 and my mom was cool (she died about ten years ago), but I was always ashamed of the house I grew up in and couldn't wait to leave.

Imagine the filthiest house you can, completely full of newspapers and junk, and a yard in suburbia that looked like a junkyard where no one ever cut the weeds down, and that's where I grew up. Of course from early childhood I had been to the houses of my friends and knew no one else lived like we did, and we were sort of the black sheep in the town to some degree - the town was always threatening to come cut the grass and make us pay for it, and all kinds of other fun stuff.

Like I said, moving out was a great feeling!

I'll bore you with one more parents vs. young adult story and then I'll get off of here: My (now former) good friends of long standing from when we were all in our early twenties got married and had a few kids. Of course I've known the kids since they arrived and was enjoying how our relationship was changing to that of friends and equals as they grew up.

I was driving the oldest son back to college one night and somehow we got to talking about drugs and I said that I thought they should be legal and controlled, especially pot. Sure that my friends had had this conversation with their kids years ago, I mentioned how back in the day his parents and I use to smoke dope.

I don't know who was more surprised, me or the young man! The son was shocked to hear that his parents ever did any drugs, even though his parents and I all graduated in the seventies when you could practically walk down the street smoking a joint. I was absolutely floored that my friends had never been straight with their kids, and apparently had given them the "all drugs are evil and dangerous" lecture without ever mentioning their own prior use.

Somehow the conversation between the son and I (who I swore to secrecy!) came out in an argument and now my friends, the parents of this really bright and enjoyable young man, will no longer speak to me. That also came as a big surprise to me since we'd been friends for so long and I thought we could talk it out. I apologized profusely to the parents once I knew how they felt, but it apparently wasn't enough.

Lot of other friends of mine with kids the same age told their kids what sort of fooling around they'd done in their younger days as part of talking to them about drugs and sex. I still have a hard time believing those particular parents could be so dishonest with their kids.

So why did I tell you this great long story? I guess to point out that apparently having children affects some people by removing their ability to treat their kids as they'd wish to be treated, and destroys their ability to act in an honorable and straightforward manner with them.

Like the song says, "Don't ask me no questions, I won't tell you no lies."

I'm so sorry it had to happen to you, too, because if I were in your shoes I'd also be really upset, and I suspect it will take a long time to heal the rift.

In the meantime I hope you've got some other friends to hang out with and play music with, I'm sure playing music must help you get through a lot of long and difficult days.

By the way, I also love 25 or 6 to 4, and lots of other things by Chicago. They truly had their own sound and made wonderful use of their horn and percussion players. I just dug out my ancient vinyl copy of their self-titled album released in 1970, which is why I recall listening to Chicago on a.m. radio. The album cover smells like an old book now, as I suppose I do!

It's always nice to hear how you're doing and I'm glad you feel comfortable coming here and letting us know what's up. Hope you're feeling o.k., we're purring for you,

Catnapper

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I am sorry you are having a rough time. The stress seems to be bringing back those old habits you have been fighting to break. Don't worry about bothering your doc....doc will let you know if your calls are out of line..but I don't think they are.

Sorry I can't agree with the whole privacy thing (unless you are over 18...in that case this doesn't apply). Minor children do not have a right to privacy. Your parents are doing their job, even though you are finding it very annoying. If my son did what you did I would cancel our internet account and take away his computer. In fact, I did this once after finding porn sites in his browser history. Of course, this is just my opinion...ignore it if you wish....and I really don't think this is the important issue right now.

Your raising anxiety level is an indication that something is going on. And your comment about getting tired of life is a big red flag as well. Do you need a med adjustment? Are hormones playing with your brain chemistry? Do you still need to work on more coping skills?

Leave the blog issue aside for a bit. I know it seems like a biggie, but I don't think it is as important as your medical issues.

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Well like I said, my comment doesn't apply if you are over 18. My son turned 18 in April and he is still at home, but he has WAY more space since he is an adult. I still ask questions and sometimes he tells me I am being nosy (but he smiles when he says it...he knows I care), but our relationship is built on a lot of mutual respect...and he is very appreciative of not having to cut a rent check out while he is preparing for college.

I was wondering, does your doc believe in repressed memories? At what age did these "gaps" she is so concerned about occur? Any physical evidence to back up her speculation? Sounds iffy to me too.

Man...no wonder you are in bad shape. Not sure if you can trust your parents...past emotional abuse...not sure if your pdoc is a quack.

Are there steps you can take to get yourself moved out in the near future? Having a focus towards independence is very empowering...even if it takes a while to complete. Are you going to college in the fall? Can you transfer to another college in your state that is in another city??? New environment, new doc, new chance for a fresh start?

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"I will be staying on campus though, thank God."

Yaaa!!! Some distance will be good thing at this point.

"I don't really want to go through getting a new pdoc"

Totally understandable. Finding a good one is really tough.

"at night, I get these images and sensations of really disgusting things I probably shouldn't go into,"

Memories or hallucinations? Humm.

"I don't know. More and more, I just find myself lost and very confused."

Breakthrough symptoms? Your "end of pueberty" hormone surge? After all, hormonal roller coaster can continue through the teen years and into your early 20s.

Overall it sounds like you are on top of things, even with your cutting relapse. You know you are having a rough spot and recognizing signs you need extra help now. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

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I found this on a site about OCD/Tourettes. Not like I am trying to stick a label on you (not a doctor here), but does this sound like what you are experiencing?

http://www.tourettesyndrome.net/ocd_overview.htm

"Certain themes tend to occur across all races, cultures, and societies. The following themes are some of the more common types of intrusive, repetitive thoughts:

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May I suggest that you can still put things in your blog you want your parents to see, but you might not want to totally rank on them. Attacking isn't going to help. Saying you are angry and frustrated with them is a lot more constructive. I'm not defending them; they sound pretty hard to take. DON'T gloat over your superior IQ. That is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Think about it. If they really are that dull, it must be quite a burden to them.

Anyway, I guess you haven't been cutting, and for that, you should pat yourself on the back!

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"But I really AM smarter than my parents"

OK..I have to give a parent perspective here.

While I do believe you, it is still incredibly arrogant to throw this in to the face of the person putting a roof over your head. If they are feeding you, paying for the internet service, providing your health care, etc... well that's even worse.

After you become a totally independent individual, completely paying your own way, feel free to point out that your parents are idiots.

In my case, I know my oldest (18) is very smart. He may very well be smarter than me and my hubby...but guess what? He is still in our house and will be until he finishes college. We are still providing room & board, and he has cheaper insurance and a cheaper cell phone since he is on our plan. The minute he takes any of that for granted or insults me, I will happily throw the "genius" right out on the street. After all, if he is so smart, he sure doesn't need MY dumb ass supporting him...right?

I also happen to think (and have independent verification from my sister) that I am WAY smart than my parents. When I was 16, I was paying the utilities (and for a lot of the food) since my mom and dad were getting a divorce. I totally went out on my own at 18. And I was angry with my parents for a lot of things. Then I matured and gained perspective. My parents were raised by my grandparents...duh...and my grandparents were completely nuts!!!

So, it took a while, but I understood. My parents did the best they could based on how THEY were raised. My parents made less mistakes raising me than their parents did with them. I learned from my parent's mistakes and did a better job with my kids. I told my son now it is his job to learn from my mistakes and do better himself.

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