Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Improving, but Scared


Recommended Posts

I'm now one month out of the hospital, and everyone expects me to be well, even me. But it's more like crossing a frozen pond than I would like. I will be slithering along and one leg will break through the ice (panic, drinking, SI thoughts, whatever), and I'll have to pull my cold wet self out and keep going.

Also, and I am ashamed of this, sometimes I get tempted to revert to sick behaviors just when things are going well, or as a way to escape the responsibility of being well.

That said, I can imagine being all the way well again, which is progress. Just don't hold me to it ... it changes a lot. And I know I don't have anything to complain about; I just figured you all could relate.

Please say nice things,

SG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I never even looked at posts about people coming out of the hospital before because it didn't apply to me. But I have started my own thread, taken over others' threads, just so I can talk about what it's like to be "out in the real world" again.

Why am I not better? I thought I would be lots better. Before my life sucked, but it was all so mixed up I just ignored it all. Now I can't ignore it anymore. And I see all the pieces that I have to pick up.

Yes, and when I first got HOME from the hospital, everyone expected for me to be just fine. And hell, I didn't know I wouldn't be. Work is sucking. I went back 10 days after I got out of the hospital. Cried today because someone was mean to me. I am such a baby. That is how it started last time.

You are thinking about reverting to your old behaviors? I am thinking I want to just throw all the meds down the toilet and let someone else take over. I don't know what your responsibilities are, but I truly don't think I am equipped to handle mine. There is no one else to help me though. I really don't know what I am going to do. I am still not doing a lot of the things I need to do. I am doing better in that area than I was...

Anyway, I totally understand what you are going through. But I don't understand why we weren't this bad before we went into the hospital. I mean, well, I guess I just didn't realize how bad it was, and didn't pay attention to how I was screwing up my life.

But your desire to get away from all the stress? That's normal. I want to go back into the hospital honestly. I would like to be there for a while. It was great. I mean, I am it around here.

My panic is probably different from everyone else's. I panic when I get upset about stuff sometimes. (Uh, probably a mixed state???) I had to take something today because I got upset. Been drinking more...check.

I can't say I have really been having suicidal thoughts, but I sure as hell have been having "how can I get the hell away from all of this" thoughts.

I don't know what to tell you other than don't do the SI thing, don't drink because it jacks up your moods, and just try to find some quiet time and do something you want to do for you. Take time out for yourself and don't feel guilty.

And don't feel guilty about anything else. We are both trying, you know? This is a long road, and hopefully not a cul de sac.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey- we seem to be on the same page. Unfortunate as that is. I just got released June 2nd. I still have so much catching up to do. I want to run away at times. Of course you have a right to complain Squirrel but I understand what you're saying. We'll get through this transistion period. I wish you the best. Hang in there!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I've added to other threads like his one, I've been in the hospital 5 times, so have had to deal with the transition 5 times. The first time was the easiest, because before my release they had allowed me "passes" to go for a few hours with my family and then go back to the hospital, and I had 2 weeks, paid, off of work for outpatient.

But since then, things have majorly sucked when it comes to getting released.

You just have to remember, and I'm sure you know, that being released just means that you're not an IMMEDIATE threat to yourself or others, not that you aren't any kind of threat. You have healed enough that they don't believe they'll see a body bag or get sued. That's all they care about.

As for YOU- your description of the ice pond and release was wonderful. You know how you feel. Maintain boundaries. If you feel like something is too much, say it is toomuch, and take a step back from it. Don't be forced or temped to pick up where you can't.

That's my opinion

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fourth time for me, got out May 12 after 12 days. In some ways I wanted to stay; hell, everyone there pretty much understood where I was coming from and life was simple. I stayed home a weekend (not long enough) and went back to work. The best thing was they got my meds adjusted and I haven't been suicidal in over 5 weeks now.

Tommy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm another 5x veteran of psych hospitals. I know exactly what you mean as far as people expecting you to be well goes. The thing that they don't understand is that while you were in hospital you were in a controlled environment, and it was safe to go through changes there and express yourself without fear of being misunderstood (that's assuming it was a good inpatient experience). When you get out, though, you're going straight back into a potentially stressful setup - nothing will have changed while you were away, and all the same stressors will be there. It's damn hard, and you need to go easy on yourself... understand that it's natural to struggle with things for a while.

Take care and be kind to yourself,

S

PS Loon expressed this well - set up strict boundaries for yourself, do what you need to do to feel safe, and don't let yourself be bullied into anything that makes you feel unsafe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you guys.

Things do seem to improve. It will take guts to come all the way back, but I may have them.

Now I would like to crawl out from under the weight of my massive cocktail, and my pdoc is being cautious. So that's the drama of this week.

Thanks again,

sg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SG-

You don't state your DX in your sig, but I'm guessing BP and maybe some anxiety from the cocktail you have. Believe me, you could be on MORE meds! The stuff you're on isn't out of the ordinary for the bipolar. You may want to look into adding Z and seeing if you can ease up on the other drugs. Z is a pain, but darn it if I don't feel like "myself"...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...