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I've posted details in my Springer thread.


I don't know quite how to reach out.


I'm scared.

All these feelings. Longing to be loved and accepted and treasured, close. Sadness. Hope. Hatred. Fear. Overwhelming...not to be flooded...I'll be ok....anyone out there? just help me hold on...then I won't let go and fall into nothingness....alone...scared....so quiet and yet the echoes of dark and deep....haunt me...still...

its ok, I'm not losing it...only in the sense of losing the tight holding in of feelings....I'm starting to relax..and its scaring me like hell....I have to go through this...I have to make it....it'll be ok.....


I don't have to go into work tomorrow.....do I? It's ok if I take time off if I need to, isn't it? My therapist says its ok.I want to believe her..but part of me still feels I have to struggle on....isn't that what my parents taught me..."carry on regardless" but...doesn't always apply....

trying to breathe.

taking remeron soon.


still scares me.

these feelings won't go into hiding..all over again...just some rest...some peace for a few hours...

can anyone understand this? please?

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your medical professional says it's ok to take time off, so therefore, it's ok to take time off. would you walk on a broken leg? of course not. don't walk on a broken brain.

you've not only been through a lot recently, but i've picked up on the fact that you also seem to be doing a lot in therapy as well. make sure you get the rest and downtime you need to heal and integrate all this into a healthier you.

*climbing down off soapbox*

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thank you both.

Libby, I saw your reply last night just before I went offline, and it meant/s a lot to me. It was/is what I need/ed to hear.

Reddog, thank you. Yes, I am working on a lot. Because I am going through a lot. Its connected.

I'm feeling weepy this morning. I'm up and dressed and such. Its an hour before I need to leave, so I'll see how I go. But, I do still feel vulnerable.

Add to that that the cat woke me up and 4am. 4am! I didn't sleep that well before or after that.

The only thing is is that it'd be the last time I'll see my 'old' manager, the one who refered me to Occ Health and such, before she transfers, and if I don't go in today I'd miss her. But. I am feeling fragile and... the word my therapist used yesterday was... brittle....the thought of facing the public all day.....

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