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I am still capable of tenderness...


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So, I visited my mum in hospital today.

All my natural tenderness and nurturance and loving feelings came forward......I can be so loving still, so gentle.....

I am in awe.

Recently my psyche has been wracked by feelings of rage, anger, hatred, jealously, helplessness, agression, fear...

I despaired of my ever being able to experience love and tenderness again....

My therapist says over and again that I am a basically kind person, caring, empathic...and yet I find it hard to see and experience that of myself....dwelling as I have been... (still am....to some degree) in the dark depressed, lost and neglected filled shadow universe....

But now....

I am hoping that this experience today with my mum will help nurture me and feed me to make my way safely through my emotional underworld.....

It is so classically Kleinian...so Paranoid Schizoid position, where one feels that one has lost all love, all capacity for goodness...with all the projective identification, past negative introjections, all tangled up in my psyche...maybe just maybe I have a safer way through all this torment now.....maybe I can breathe again, knowing that I am not completely lost to humanity, that I am capable of love and kindness...

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My therapist says over and again that I am a basically kind person, caring, empathic...and yet I find it hard to see and experience that of myself....
nestling, you have always struck me as a kind, empathic, caring soul.
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thank you Libby.

but, the way I've been feeling and acting when around people I don't know recently would give a far different picture...although I know deep down its not because I'm a bad person, its hard to see and hold onto that...

when I got into bed last night I suddenly started crying....just unexpected, the tears came.

I feel really weepy and close to tears this morning too....

I expect the tears will all come out in therapy this morning...

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Your experience was very meaningful, it broke through your defenses, and, although scary perhaps, a wonderful gift. I use to prayer to break down my hardness, my protective shell. It has been a slow process, but I think I have made progress. Self-preservation is a natural state, although it keeps us in an emotionally isolated state. Sometimes when I was younger, and would share an intense sexual experience I would cry. Intimacy was frightening, yet touched a place in my heart that would expose my fear of intimacy, and regret my inability to be open. Its hard work, but always worth the effort. Open heart - always a gift. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Sylvia

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thank you both... *blushes*.....quietly....

I am starting to notice very subtle effects from my experience on Sunday, and all the work I'm doing in therapy .....

today I felt some moments of feeling peaceful....I haven't felt peace - outside of moments of connection in a therapy session - in a long time...it was a rest...real rest.....

today also, although being out around people was still hard for me, I didn't actually feel I wanted to hit people who were in my space or in my way.....(as I've been wanting to recently. and have done a couple of times...thankfully they've not responded....) I feel more...gentle....

its very subtle, but these little things give me hope......as do your responses...thank you again...

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N

I don't know if you realize how important your sharing has been. It is hard work, emotionally, to have to protect yourself at all times. The opening of our heart is a great and wonderful experience. Know that this state will not always be continuous, but you now know it is possible.

Keep the faith always,

Love,

Sylvia

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