what to say?

[Random1]

What to say? What to say? I am here, a cutter, been one since I went nuts on dialysis. The medical process and I did not get along very well on the mental side. I was able to keep my emotional problems and my weak grasp on reality in check for the most part. Or, so I thought. I started self-injurious behavior to bring me back to reality. I was very careless with my life. Rock climbing, rappelling, I would climb anything at any time, saftey be damned. I even taught it for a large national youth organization. I was a stickeler for saftey for and around the kids (excapt for me). My behavior would make any injury look like it occurred in the act of doing something else. The rush of how close I could come to serious injury was what helped me differentiate what was real and what was not.

Throughout dialysis I was extremely sleep deprived. I would have bouts of micro sleeps. My body stays awake while my mind checks out for a while. Another part of what I went through was some really odd hallucinations and dreams that seemed real. Heck, at that time I really started to wonder what was real and what was not. Docs want to have a Pdoc talk to me, but I took my own route with becoming an adrenaline junkie for all the wrong reasons.

They did put me on Prozac, that made me very angry and short tempered then paxil. Now I

[~nestling~]

welcome

..you've made the first step in getting the right kind of help, by reaching out to us here and telling us what's really going on...

[Sylvia]

Welcome, I am glad you are here.

Sylvia

[Random1]

Thanks, thanks sooo much. Being here seems to help. THat was the first time that I ever put into words how I got started with this crazy coping method. It really helped me to say it, and to know that there are people who respond with support.

four and a half hours since, and counting.

[AirMarshall]

Hi Random1, welcome!

Feel free to post, and ask any of the mods if you have questions.

cheers,

a.m.

[SerraGeorge]

Hi Random1

It sounds like you've got some ongoing medical challenges aside from the brain ones. Crazyboards is a helpful place and full of supportive people. I've been helped so much just by finding people who know what it feels like to be nutty. It sounds like you find it difficult to talk about things, so I want to congratulate you for doing so! That's wonderful! Keep looking around and posting, as that's how we all get to know each other.

WELCOME!

[Nick Post]

Fistula is such a dirty sounding word.

Well, glad to have you here. And, I now have a new answer to the question, "If you were stuck down a well, who would you want to have with you?" Well, that is, you can climb out, right?

Re: Abusing the Mechanical Dude's Knowledge

Also, my wife's car, when it's being driven long distances, after about 4hrs, will start acting like, and heres' my guess, the fuel is too rich. If you need to accelerate, good luck, if you add more gas, you might kill the car. This ends up making the car barely able to sustain 55 mph, and it will drop down into the 30s on a hill. This is a recent occurrance, I guess, as we normally don't drive 4+ hours in one go. Any ideas?

[Random1]

OK, wow, I had a bad day and almost lost it. I found out I was wrong on my triggers. I was blaming the wrong people for the worst ones. So my "free week" where who I thought were my triggers were gone, has fallen apart. This is still very tough to talk about. I'm still trying to figure out why emotions are so hard to show. Why I bury them. Eventually I'll figure it out. No cuts for a couple of days, so I'm on a roll.

BTW, I had never thought of it, but fistula does sound like a dirty word, and quite possibly painful in an uncomfortable sort of way as well.

[Guest espressogrrl]

fistula.

*the gay girl censors herself*

[celestia]

Hi Random1 been meaning to stop by, been climbing outta of the pit of despair, which is pretty self-absorbing work. <wipes sweat from brow>

Sounds like you have a lot to cope with, with or without good coping strategies. Keep coming around, like Serra said, as you get to know people it really does help to have this place to come to and vent, visit, laugh, a place where, hopefully, you can feel at home.

Give yourself a break...you're going through alot.

S9 (who would father have a fistula than a fissure... )

[Random1]

As always, thanks all. I have had a totally good day. 180 degrees from what I figured it would be. I'm not complaining. My drastic mood swings strike again. No, I am not diagnosed with anything but anxiety, and a mild case of that, 10 mg (sometimes 20) of paxil seems to handle it reasonably well.

I appreiate the visit, saturine, I can understand the difficulty of dealing with our unique problems (as varied as they are), treat yourself to a nice refreshing drink of your favorite beverage. It seems to me that the more I try to dig out, the more self-absorbed/isolated and wrapped up in my own problems I get. Sharing it here has helped me realize that we really do have to share both the happy and sad moments with our friends. It is becoming a very comfortable place to be.

Nick: Try a complete tune-up (plugs, wires, the whole thing), check the timing and check the cooling system. Those should be some ideas for a cheap fix. I do not think it is the fuel, or you would have problems consistently. What worries me is that it does it when it is hot. Do ou have the same problem after a good deal of in-town driving?

what kind of car (yr/model) and what engine would help, if any one of the cheap fixes does not work.

[Nick Post]

Nick: Try a complete tune-up (plugs, wires, the whole thing), check the timing and check the cooling system. Those should be some ideas for a cheap fix. I do not think it is the fuel, or you would have problems consistently. What worries me is that it does it when it is hot. Do ou have the same problem after a good deal of in-town driving?

what kind of car (yr/model) and what engine would help, if any one of the cheap fixes does not work.

2000 Ford Focus with about 60k on it. It drives perfectly around town. Even when driven for an hour, which is enough to bring it steady, it's still fine. This happened after 4 hrs. I almost wonder if we just got bad gas in Florida.

Also, good to hear you're having good days as well as bad. We people appreciate a good day much more than those, really unbelievably, chipper people out there. I mean, how does that even exist?

[Random1]

13 (OR THERE ABOUTS) DAYS!!!!

NO CUTS!

[LikeMinded]

Fistula is such a dirty sounding word.

I'm not kidding here --- I'm doing some journal reviewing on cholinergics with regards to how they can affect the course of both Crohn disease as well as ulcerative colitis...

A major symptom of Crohn is the anal fistula.

mmkay I'm outta here now....,

--herrfous

[Random1]

A fistula is an abnormal connection or passageway between organs or vessels that normally do not connect.

Yep, there are anal ones, vaginal ones, all sorts of fistulas. Mine is an A-V fistula. It makes a kind os purring feeling in my arm. Just like a happy cat. Sometimes that feeling is called a thrill or a buzz.

So anyway, I've made it this far. 28ish days, give or take one or two. I'm guessing that I'm not going to make the night through without cutting.

I feel pretty shitty tonight. I guess I should start with a little background. I really have a problem talking about myself, and my problems. This is really tough.

My Dad was a corporate exec who was gone most of the time inmy childhood. There is a big generation gap there as well. he was in his 40's when me (the "happy accident") came along. His involvement in my life was always as the disciplinarian or, when he did get involved in my activities (scouts, baseball, ect) he would get into the administration of the activity and feel obligated to show how "fair and impartial" he was b being harder on me than on the rest of the kids involved. Now that he is retired, lost his wife and I am the only one of the four kids around, we are spending our time trying to bond.

Yes this is a great experience. Even with the arguments and problems, and the triggering that he sets off in me, I would not give up the opportunity to spend this time with my Dad.

I am trying to adjust to having him in my life, but our outlook on life is so different that we argue and fight over the smallest of things. Part of it is my anxiety. Part of it is that I am still having trouble dealing with where I am in life. Either way, the argument starts when we disagree on how to do things, we disagree on so many part of life , but none of it is anything big. It doe not matter what we are trying to do, we will approach it from diiferent ways, and the whole experience goes to hell from there. I am trying to get something accomplished, I see th fastest way to accomplich the goal, keep the quality of the efort acceptable for the desired outcome and then do it. He gets sidetracked with tedious, time consuming detailed work that either has to be redone later or is utterly useless.

I can deal with the forgetfulness, I can deal with the deteriorating mental acuity and the deteriorating physical health. He is still smarter than most people I've met, and in better health than people 20 years younger (he's 81). Our different outlook on everything is what gets to me, and his insistance onn doing things his way, even after I've been proven knowlegable on the subject.

I've probably not really made my point clear, as Im on a long rant and in no real mental shape to discuss ratinally what the relationship is like. I'm shaking so much that it is hard to type. Sorry it is so long.