Stop the world. I want to get off.

[Sam]

Well, I made it to 37. Yay. Meds were good for a year. Then, wacked out for a while, now just completely out of control.

Went to the hospital, which brought everything to the forefront you know. I actually affected people. All of a sudden they had opinions as to whether I was really MI or not. "Cop out" was used frequently. Lazy once or twice. I thought about how I felt before I went into the hospital. "Screw it all. Someone else can do it. Or at least try."

Okay. Fine. I will take cop out. I won't take lazy. Maybe I am. I don't know. But sure, fine. Cop out. Tired of being me. Everyone else has to be responsible why not me? My life isn't that bad, what is my problem? What does it matter really? Most of the people IRL want me to go off my meds. Now ironic is THAT! Non-compliance due to feeling better? Side effects? NO! Pressure from friends and family.

Yeah, okay, whatever. I am a mother. I am sure I am not the worst mother in the world. But I think they are better off with their dads. My son Scotty lives with his dad and they do all sorts of sporty stuff...and the other two...I just can't do the discipline thing. I wasn't disciplined, and although I know they need it, I just don't seem to get it done.

That is the story of my life as a parent. And everything else.

My kids' dad told me that he will help me get off these "drugs" and his aunt can help with the kids blah blah blah. So I am really thinking about letting him have them and just going away. I don't want to stay here. I'm tired of life, and if all of you say I should live it, then at least I can save my kids this way.

The sucky thing is this would take some preparation. Does any of this sound manic? I want to go now. I have lost my ability to do a good job at work. I used to rock, and now not so much. Sometimes I feel okay, and sometimes I feel awful. Guilt and regret....heh, the more I have forgiven my father for imagined slights, the more guilty I feel about a lot of other things in my life. Funny how that works.

Rambling. I want to get everything squared away and go away. I don't know how to do that. But that's what I want to do. I want to get everything ready and just leave. Let the kids' dad take over my house payments or sell it, I don't even care anymore. That's really the jist. I just don't care. I don't care. Nope. Not me. I think I am supposed to care. Oh well.

Maybe this is just a phase. I am sick of being me. I am tired of everyone telling me what to do. Especially when I don't know what I should do.

Back to work. Sigh.

Sam

[chinacat]

Sounds like you need a tune up, med-wise, and CERTAINLY maybe a new pdoc. "Getting off all those meds" rings very scary to me, like telling a diabetic he can "get offf all that insulin"

I know how it feels to feel like a shitty mom--my son lived with his dad for a couple of years--not the best choice I ever made, but really didn't have a choice. Getting healthy and in balance is what your goal should be, IMHO. Its famn hard to be a parent, even a long-distance one, when your world is like ona permanent til-a-whirl. Been there--

Thhis is a good place to come and vent and rant, and seek opinions--so please, try to get your meds straightened out. I don't think you are lazy or copping out--I think you sound just as whacky as me, when I don't take my meds.

Hang in there==

china

[pacanuck]

Dear Sam;

Read the verse in your signature:

Breathe.

Things are cyclic. Feelings, seasons, people - this is too.

I'll tell you where I am right now - just so you know that you are not alone.

I used to think I was the queen of preschool teachers.

Now, I think I suck.

I used to love my job. My apt. My life.

Now, they all pretty much suck.

But, this is your thread, not mine.

My point is, things change. They always do. From good to bad, bad to worse, to just ok, and to good again.

There's nothing one can do about change, except ride it. And know, that it's gonna come around again.

The more it does, the more you get to practice.

Be tough - and don't let the buggers get you down. You are better than that. You know YOU.

I will get down off of the soap box now.

[CheshireCat]

Hi Sam

I felt just like you describe last summer. I turned 37. I felt like total crap. I needed a total overhaul. It was time to GO. I'm a mom of two, mine were 12 and 13 at that time, and I decided to pack everything I own in a moving truck and leave town with my kids and reinvent myself. I created a whole plan, executed it and

CRASHED AND BURNED

I ended up collapsed in a mess of tears at a grocery store with a car in the parking lot that I had bought on a credit card... I didn't even know they let you do that!...and a ring on my finger that I had bought for myself, also on a credit card...my kids and my cats were in a friend's apartment and all my stuff in that moving truck, parked on some side street...

I am not saying this will happen to you. I pray nothing like this happens to you or anyone here. But I guess I am admitting to this here because I was manic as hell last summer and I could have posted your opening post on this thread, Sam, before I packed up my truck.

I am worried for you. I know you are hurting now. Believe me, I know. Just please be careful. You asked if you sound manic. I'm going to go on a limb and say "yes." It sounds manic to me because it sounds like me last summer and I was MANIC and I crashed big time and I don't want you to get hurt.

Take some good long breaths. My pdoc who is also my therapist tells me that bipolar disorder regularly leads to thoughts of running away. She told me that there's a psychiatric ward set up at Heathrow Airport in London because so many BPs end up flying off that direction. It's in our hardwiring. It's part of the cycling, as pacanuck said.

Maybe we can brainstorm some other changes you can make...not running away and totally overhauling in some manic freak out, but maybe some healthy positive changes...

And maybe a new pdoc like China said! New meds? 'Cause these feelings could very very well be chemical.

Keep posting, Sam. We're here. And if you posted that you made it to 37 because it's birthday time, well, happy birthday. If not, well, happy 37 anyway...

~Cat

[Sam]

Well, 37 in August!

See, my post didn't even make a whole hell of a lot of sense. No one IRL really gave a shit when I was dx'ed because it didn't affect anyone. I went on doing every single thing all by myself like always. Yeah, I went crazy but my shiny pdoc and I started experimenting, and found a good combo.

Did good for a year. Now a sloooooow downhill slide to depression/mixed state to the point that I was unable to function. Then I needed some help. Someone had to do what I do. Oh, About six people had to do what I do. People at work had to do my work. Went to the hospital, was really good for me, we messed with the Depakote, which actually seems to be helping? But this mania stuff....I don't know.

So now my friends and family IRL (how few there are) are telling me that I am acting worse now than before and my meds are evil. Oh, and if I DO get off all my meds and I am still fucked up, then that just shows you how much the meds had fucked me up already.

I don't know. My tdoc is new and is just collecting my history. My pdoc...I can call him at any time but it seems SO HARD because I am A LOT more crazy inside than anyone knows. My kids' dad can mix me up to the point that I was looking up methods of you-know-what on the freaking internet.

Yes, I can see how taking the kids would be bad. I just want to go alone. They would be with the better parent at this point anyway.

China- I sound like you do when you don't take your meds? I AM on my meds.

I am not going to list the thousands of meds I have taken. Maybe we need to drop some of the Lamictal, I don't know. And I am sure about 20 minutes after I wrote this thread, I was back to trying to live my life.

The Depakote DOES help with the mixed state. I don't cry hysterically anymore. If I cry, I cry for an acceptable period of time then stop. So that's good.

But I don't want to live this life.

Sam

[Rabbit37]

Sam, keep working on that cocktail, and don't listen to others who want you off. Oh, I know, easier said than done, but you need to be strong here. I have been there, wanting my kids to just stay with their dad - and we're not divorced! - and I would just run away. This wasn't flights of fancy, either, I would actually be looking at the finances and figure out how far I could go, and how to sustain myself. For the longest... at least the past year or so?... I have had dreams about travelling, my pdoc said that's still the desire of running away (duh). But like Cheshire Cat, he has convinced me (somewhat) that even in running away, there will be problems, likely more massive than in just staying put and working on my life.

Keep hammering away at your pdoc. Lazy? NO. Copping out? HELL NO. Mania? Hmm, well that certainly sounds possible, maybe even probable. I hope you find the resources to help you.

And for the record, I do love love love my kids, like I know you do. It's just that at times, "mom" and "MI" don't even belong in the same sentence, do they? sigh, yeah, it's harder than hell. Keep venting here on CB.

[Sam]

I am not sure I make myself clear to my pdoc. We sort of have a rapport, so when I see him I am pretty positive. I used to type how I felt during the periods between appointments and give it to him so he would know how I was feeling when I wasn't doing okay. I mean, he has to know before he can adjust anything. He is willing to do whatever he needs to.

As far as the lazy, cop-out stuff, that is coming from the people around me. I guess it's just the depression stigma...just freakin' get up! And everyone has gotten used to my bouts of hyperness. That has always been a part of me.

My kids's dad has always confused the living crap out of me. He sounds so logical, and when he tells me what I am doing wrong, I can't disagree. He's right.

Dunno. Still dunno. Want to go away. My ex-step-father has a house in Albuquerque. I could go there and find a job. "I don't really want to live this life." Isn't it their dad's turn to have the kids? I know he would love it. And I know he would be a good dad. I am not one to flip my life around. But I think I really want to. We shall see.

Thanks for the support everyone. I don't know how I went from being able to help everyone and giving good advice to being incapable of making any decisions whatsoever.

Riiiiiight. Welcome to Bipolarland!

Sam

[chinacat]

We love you--we care--we want to help--we've been there--we're still there--

But most of all--WE KNOW.

Just wanted to say that-print it out and carry it aroung, it you need to--

We may be "electronic friends" as my hubby calls us, but --WE KNOW--

Love, china

[GroovyGwen]

I am not sure I make myself clear to my pdoc. We sort of have a rapport, so when I see him I am pretty positive. I used to type how I felt during the periods between appointments and give it to him so he would know how I was feeling when I wasn't doing okay. I mean, he has to know before he can adjust anything. He is willing to do whatever he needs to.

That's probably a good idea. I realize I am being fake in my doc's office too sometimes. I think it as to do with my general sense of "Convince other people you are awesome no matter how you are on the inside". I usually have to remind myself that I am there to get the insides better, so I should show the insides.

Whatever you do - DON'T GO OFF MEDS. And keep in mind that one usually has to be on a med for a good time before you actually start feeling better. The whole gradual build-up thing. Since you just started Neurontin (I think you got out of the hospital a few weeks ago?) definitely give it time. I also know that Neurontin is not supposed to be monotherapy, but in addition to other stuff. When I was on it, I was also on Lithium and Effexor, and I was at my best. Albeit my hr went down to 45 so I couldn't stay on that combo - but I was sane for awhile.

Hang in there and tell fam if they really care about you then they can actually do some research about bipoles and why they SHOULD NOT GO OFF MEDS, instead of spouting out crap like med-free is the way to be. Or, as I have said before to other people, I can just come and kick their asses.

[CheshireCat]

Hi Sam

It's good to hear you're still talking it through, still mulling it all over, not jumping to any conclusions.

I want to make one suggestion, though. Try hard not to internalize all the stuff other people are saying about you so much. I know it's hard...really hard sometimes...but as you're writing your posts here, you're seeing that those "other people" aren't always right, you know? Especially when those other people don't understand your illness and are just making judgements. Be gentle with yourself whenever possible. You're still healing.

Also, don't underestimate yourself as a mother. Kids are very forgiving. I have been a roller coaster of a mother myself. I'm remarried and my kids' dad is ready to take the kids from me at various times when I seem at my most unstable, but for whatever reasons, it hasn't happened that way and for me, I can say that it's been okay this way.

I mean, if you really need a break, don't feel guilty about that...but on the other hand, don't let your illness talk you into believing that your kids would be better off without you. They won't. I'm sure they love you and kids are very resilient. My pdoc reminds me of that all the time. So long as you reassure them that you love them and are working on getting better, hey, no kids have it perfect. Life is hard. We all learn it eventually.

Ultimately, though, moving or running away or having some big starting over thing won't change your head. Your head goes with you. So please, don't quit any of your meds cold. We're begging you. And it might be a good idea to print off some of these posts for your pdoc.

Thinking of you. Hoping today's a little better.

~Cat

P.S. I was 37 in August, too. I'm 38 this August. Ugh.

[Loon-A-TiK]

Hiya Sam-

There is so much pressure in this world to be everything to everyone. And there is a mold, of course, a perfect mother/wife/woman we are all supposed to be. But who is she? We'll never find her, because we're looking outside of ourselves.

What you need to do for yourself is to get a good relationship with a good treatment team, get stable on good meds, and that will in turn make you better at everything in life.

I know about the pressure to quit meds. My mom (BP1 in denial) thinks that I pop pills because I obviously can't deal with life! LOL.

Well, I know you'll be around Sam. Talk to you soon.

Loon