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i just don't care anymore

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;) figting depression and addiction is just too fucking hard. so i feel like giving in and giving up. it seems easier that way. i'm gonna die of one thing or the other any damn way.

I'm in that place where everyone sucks and I want to die but I'm too chickenshit to kill myself especially cuz i have a one year old daughter.

the only release i have is to drink, pop ativans and smoke crack. although crack makes me paranoid, i still like doing it for some stupid reason and i wish i didn't. i liked heroin better but the withdrawals just sucked too bad for me to continue.

Now I'm addicted to ativan hardcore and my asshole boyfriend knows how shitty i feel when I'm out of them and he stole like fifteen of them from me this weekend because I KNOW i did not eat thirty ativans in 2 days. i would've blacked out.

that's all for now. more bitching and whining to come later.

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wow dd21.

i'm really sorry to hear that you're in such a shitty situation. i too have a depressive illness which is either mdd or bpii (currently leaning towards bpii). and i too have suffered from addiction to booze.

i agree. for so long it has been my only relief from the depression. yes, i know it is a depressant. blah blah. whatever. the little bit of heaven it brings breaks up the hell.

are you degrading as a person as time passes? are your symptoms getting worse or your addictions?

i'm just thinking that your daughter is going to get to be more of a handful as she gets a bit older.

can you get any help for your MI problems?

take care,


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hey there dd2,

please don't give up. i haven't given up, i'm bpI and I'm hangin' in there. What kind of help are you seeking?? Sounds as if you could really use a good therapist and the right meds. i'm a recovering alcoholic and i know what it's like to have a drug seem to be your only release....pm me if you want to talk, i'm here ;)


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Its all about your brain chemistry, but as the others have said, don't give up. Just your admission of your responsibility to your daughter speaks volumes. There is alot of help out there, and here as well. I understand because I have been there, and return there as well. Please know that you are in good, unjudgemental (sp) company. Please keep the faith. Please continue to let us know how you are doing, and seek help. We are all in this together.



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