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So my divorce is FINALLY underway


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My ex disappeared for months and we couldn't locate him to sign the papers. This morning he finally wrote a letter to my lawyer saying that I'm the love of his life and he can't bear to lose me. BASTARD. Manipulative BASTARD. Things got so ugly towards the end and I thought I'd done all the crying I could possibly do. Obviously not, since he has me bawling my eyes out again. He's so good at twisting things so that I feel that I'm at fault. I feel like the lowest of the low. Why does this have to be so bloody hard? I know there's no such thing as an easy divorce, but this has really kicked me in the gut. It makes me wonder if I imagined all the things that he did to me. All the emotional abuse, all the threats... but nooo he "still loves" me. I just want to vomit. And cry. And vomit again.

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Ah, Skittle,

Darling, stick to your divorce plans, through tears if need be. The saddest thing about emotional and verbal abuse is that it skews reality so badly that you don't know your own mind any more. Do you have a therapist or divorce group that can help you through this time? Their support and encouragement will help you stay steady through a very difficult time. You not only have to dump him, but relearn that your thoughts and feelings are real.

Peace and strength,

Greeny

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My ex disappeared for months and we couldn't locate him to sign the papers. This morning he finally wrote a letter to my lawyer saying that I'm the love of his life and he can't bear to lose me. BASTARD. Manipulative BASTARD. Things got so ugly towards the end and I thought I'd done all the crying I could possibly do. Obviously not, since he has me bawling my eyes out again. He's so good at twisting things so that I feel that I'm at fault. I feel like the lowest of the low. Why does this have to be so bloody hard? I know there's no such thing as an easy divorce, but this has really kicked me in the gut. It makes me wonder if I imagined all the things that he did to me. All the emotional abuse, all the threats... but nooo he "still loves" me. I just want to vomit. And cry. And vomit again.

I never have the energy to post anymore, my life is completely out of control, but when I read this I felt I HAD to respond...

Skittle, I am currently trying to divorce my manipulative, controlling, psyco husband. About this time last year he finally went to far and did damage to me that I still have not gotten over. Did I follow thru with a pfa charges? No. He kept in contact with me and persuaded me not to.

Unfortunately I have two children involved. He controls me still and altho I have primary custody of our 7 and 4 yr. olds, he sees them TOO OFTEN. He currently has them now, has had them since Father's Day weekend and I will not get them back until the fourth of July. Why did I allow the custody order to give him so much? BECAUSE HE WAS THERE AND I CAN'T STAND UP TO HIM!

I am sorry to say that because of my inability to stand up against him, he is now manipulating the children and (sob) they are too young to know any better. Counseling, yes, they need it. However, he refuses to allow me to get them help and that is a battle going on between our attorneys right now.

Last month my husband followed me home from one of our hearings. It turned bad and he once again put me in the hospital. This time, as hard as it was, I followed thru with the pfa hearing and I have an order against him until November. I cannot stress to you enough how not hearing from him EVERY SINGLE DAY has slowly made me stronger. He would obsess over something and call me over and over and over...wearing me down...

How do I feel? Guilty. He has put so much into my head, leaving little room for myself. I cry and cry over how I did this to him, how I made him into this monster. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I KNOW he was like this always. He HAS to be in control at all times. He WOULD NOT allow me to even consider divorce. He would say to me that I needed him, he was all that I have and would ever have, there was nobody else that would be so good to me as him...all the typical controlling phrases that have stuck...

He has turned everything around to make him look like the sufferer. And even tho I know, I KNOW, the truth I still feel guilty.

Nothing helps. Not the therapist that we saw together who knows the truth behind my husband, not meds, not even my amazing boyfriend who treats me far better than my husband ever did.

Be strong Skittle. Be strong for me and for the other women who are going thru this with their husbands.

I'm sorry to have jumped your thread with my own miserable story, but honestly? I feels kinda good now that I have told you...does that make any sense? I don't know...

good luck.

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The saddest thing about emotional and verbal abuse is that it skews reality so badly that you don't know your own mind any more.

Amen to that and there is not a whole lot of understanding of emotional/verbal abuse either. At least not in my family.

Tommy

edited to add I'm struggling right now with the thought of not asking for a separation because she's been nice all week. Pitiful, I know.

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"I'm sorry to have jumped your thread with my own miserable story, but honestly? I feels kinda good now that I have told you...does that make any sense?"

Knowing you aren't the only one going through a particular event helps you feel less isolated. And yeah..makes perfect sense to me. Stay strong.

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Thanks for the thoughts everyone. And yes, as wifezilla said, it does help to hear words of strength and to know that I'm not the only one struggling through this. That's NOT to say that I'm happy about your situation peppermint, just that I understand because I'm coming from a similar space. I don't have children -- and as much as it grieves me that I don't, I guess it's a blessing in this situation. I still feel like a failure, although logically I do know that I am not to blame for everything that happened. I just got caught up in the heady "romance" of being with someone who sucked me into his (substance abusing) unreality, and the minute I started admitting to myself that something was seriously wrong, did everything he could to twist and turn things so it was my fault that he drank whiskey every morning, that he threatened suicide at every turn, that he took handfuls of benzos, that he lied to me and his family about money... it goes on.

Tommy - I understand the kind of manipulation you're experiencing. It makes you question your own feelings and your own sense that something's wrong. I don't know your full situation, but it strikes me that she's being a prime manipulator. Just my opinion - hope I haven't overstepped the line. (Apologies if I have)

Greeny - thanks for the encouragement. I have been very bad about seeing a tdoc - I fired my last one after 4 sessions because she wanted to talk about my father while I needed crisis counselling to help with the divorce. I've been very leery of finding someone since then, and the only support group I've found has been DivorceCare, which is Christian oriented, run at churches, and so most definitely not for me. I need to discuss this again with my pdoc.

Thanks once again to all,

S

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