Don't want to get better?

[ButterflyEffect]

edit

[Rabbit37]

I feel like that when depressed. Well, hell, I feel like that when manic, too. Who wants to get better then? Seriously, when depressed I simply don't want to reach out, it's too much trouble, and who cares. It does feel like a figurative comfortable blanket, much like your literal one. Maybe it;s that I've been there too often. that's probably not good.

edited to add: I meant to add that I also seem to be sabatoging my own mental health, and once I begin the downhill slide, I don't help myself at all. It's only when I hit rock bottom again that I want to pick myself up, and sometimes not even then.

[grousemouse]

dca,

no, that's all part and parcel of having a depressive illness. this is just a manifestation of one of the many ways it fucks with your brain.

that not to say that you aren't special,

but in this instance you are very much not alone or weird.

take care,

grouse.

[vunja]

I do this all the time. a lot of times I just sort of say "fuck it" and do whatever I want even though I know it's going to affect me negatively soon. I'm still getting over my fear of being happy. when I first went on antidepressants I just couldn't take that feeling of happiness. it was totally foreign to me and I wanted it to go away. I'm still like that a little, although I'm realizing that the world moves more slowly when I'm not being a depressed, anxious freak.

I'm not sure if you're going through the whole fear of happiness thing, but if you are, you're not alone. maybe we're alone together, but I've at least done that a lot. being happy means a lot of responsibilities and new feelings and those things called emotions that some of us have gone for years without touching. it's scary. the world is scary when you can pull off normal and people start expecting things from you. it's very tempting just to take the easy way out and be miserable, but I don't think it's the best way.

in any case, good luck. I just spouted out something that's really deep and meaningful it looks like... wow. heh.

[Ella]

This feeling has a name: apathy. If it can be called a "feeling"; I guess it's more like a black hole for feeling. Echoing Grouse, it's one way the disease Depression screws with your brain. You have no passion for life, no motivation, because the depression is sucking it out of you. It's like a sort of cognitive tumor. It consumes your mental resources to perpetuate itself until it eventually (which sometimes happens) kills off the host. It's crippling you to feed itself. I know it sounds offensively simplistic, but it's a good time to plan and execute a counter-offensive. Get your hope anywhere, anyway, you can.

Hope you feel more yourself soon.

[~nestling~]

what Grouse said.

and, like Vunja, health scares me, its unfamiliar...after all, I've known depression and anxiety for 36 years...so change is bound to be scary....

and, like my therapist is fond of saying to me, I have a longing to be looked after....but, sadly, it ain't gonna happen. not to me, anyways....