Complicated ADD/OCD/BP DX Nightmare! My OCD played Lost and Found

[Guest espressogrrl]

Sorry for the long post, but I am praying that there may be someone out there like me. It would be fabulous to relate to anyone else with multiple dx's. I watched my sister go through 6 years of misdiagnoses, miserable medications mismanagment, and I don't want to go through it also. Today she is dx'd as ADD, OCD, Social anxiety and Borderline. Her ADD meds eliminate the focus problems, the OCD meds take care of the compulsions, the anxiety meds and borderline meds allow her to leave the house and control any moodswings. But getting there included a misdiagnosis of BiPolar, which all of these things can look like when put together, and that period made her so comotose and weepy and she tried suicide. So the reason I tell you about her is to illustrate my concerns - as her sister, and as I slowly see myself starting to follow the same paths of meds management, I am getting more and more worried. Especially in terms of the OCD. I think mine was buried so far down it manifests itself in ways that are not neon blinking diagnosis. Without it blinking neon, it's hard to explain why i am mood swinging. Have you all had experience with misdiagnosis due to multiple problems? What did you do? Especially all you OCDers who are not suffering from the typical symptoms of hand washing and other hollywood examples, but subtler and more unexplainable compulsions, and thus harder to diagnose symptoms....

I suspect the problem is multiple issues, not one, and so many pdocs just want rubber stamp it BP and since mood stabilizers are more like mood eliminators for me, well, there. Problem solved. I can screw everything up, but I wont care. Thats not how I want to live my life, and I don't want to go through what my sister did.

I am an intensely rational, practical person, and I think that has helped and hurt. I think rationalizing the OCD out of the compulsion just forced it underground. I am beginning to think that The severity of my childhood could not have just gone away, and so today it is manifesting in a hard way to explain to a pdoc. Maybe i need to give her this post. Already I am making more sense.

When we were children, my sister and I were quite the pair. She was always the worse off than me, but i mirrored her. At 8 years old (i was 10) her hands were raw from washing, she horded trash all over the house because she felt sorry for it, as if it was a living breathing thing. She had a weird irrational fear of small round things, buttons, doorknobs, beads, marbles.

I understood her 'feeling sorry' for the apple cores and the candy wrappers in the trash that she horded. I found myself fighting the same urges at only 10 years old. I successfully did fight them. it's not alive it's not alive it's not alive. What I couldnt fight was another weird one. I absolutely positively HAD to turn around three times and touch the front door if I was playing in the front yard and I saw a car coming down the hill. I HAD to get to the door before the car reached my driveway.....i HAD to complete the cycle. The worst one was the sleeping. My house was in a slight decline between two hills. If I heard the motor of a car coming over the hill, I had to get out of bed, make eye contact with the headlights, and not take my attention away until the tail lights were out of sight. There was no going to bed before the ritual was done....completion was everything. It came to the the point were i would cry myself to sleep, begging god to keep the cars from coming, I was so damn tired. So I would play just far enough away from the house so I couldnt make it there in time, to prove to myself I wasn't tempting fate and nothing horrible would happen to me. I moved to the basement bedroom where there were no windows.

Somewhere in my teens I defeated these two things by sheer will power. By ration alone or with techniques like above. I thought I beat that damn OCD into submission. But I think now I just avoided the situations by finding new situations, and because my ADD got worse and if I could put off the compulsion long enough...like setting an egg timer until I gave in. When the bell went off, I would have forgotten why I set it! It seemed ok at the time - but i think now, i was treating one disorder with another.

The ADD grew worse and worse until it was completely screwing with my life. Math was fun until it got to long division. Oh god long division. OCD/ADD nightmare. The OCD made me write the WHOLE PAGE over each time a number was slightly larger or tilted at a stronger angle than the number next to it. But the ADD made me prone to more careless mistakes, or to lose concentration because I had just written the thing a hundred times before, and whoops - theres another number slightly tilted again. I never used an eraser. That mussed up the page. Pages and Pages of the same problem. Each time done correctly with the right answer.

I did my very very best to ration out this OCD too. No, i would say, there is NO REASON to do this over. Spending hours a day rationing myself out of stupid compulsions allowed my ADD to take the spot light. But I didnt know I needed to rationalize that too. I just thought I was the stupidest, most careless, flakiest girl on the planet. the ADD was strong enough that I was more preoccupied with finding my keys (the fridge), my wallet (the shelf at the grocery store), my bookbag, and even remembering my tampon! I became desperately dependent on coffee. By college, I needed coffee just to sleep at night. I began to focus on focusing. My schoolbooks were a hundred different colors, because it was the only way I could read without losing focus, by shifting colors each paragraph. If I even dared to skip a paragraph, the OCD would kick in and start to compell me to go back and read again. So the only way to avoid the re-reading of OCD was to give in to the ADD, focus on underlining each paragraph in a different color. Rows and rows of rainbow colored pages. It's not treating the ADD, but instead I was controlling it by controlling the distraction and figeting - the colors. By college, the ADD was completely strung out and so my personal rituals to control it were vast, which i think was creating more compulsions. Lectures were horrible to concentrate on and so my note taking skills were full of rituals and rules to get through. Soon I applying those rituals when I didnt need to. I couldnt concentrate in lecture, and the only thing I was good at was writing papers. This was wonderful for me. I would get to go from book to book, never having to start at the beginning or read the whole thing, because I was looking for one detail for the paper. A bibliography with 10-20 sources is like starting a 10-20 projects and never having to finish them! wooweeee! things that mattered to me, I would really overfocus. I LOVE to research my major. web page to web page to web page, stimulus after stimulus. totally overfocusing. I don't hear my name nor do I see the sun go down.

But my home became a wreck. I couldnt clean the house - at all. Not that I didnt try. I was completely compelled to clean the house. There were periods where I wouldnt leave FOR DAYS. But see, the problem was that the OCD kept me in this rut that I absolutely could NOT do anything else till I cleaned, even though I could see everything piling up and it was making me super anxious and bitchy and mood swingy, but the ADD wouldnt allow me to finish it when I started it, sometimes because I kept getting distracted by another to-do, or sometimes because I would overfocus on it and forget that i HAD other things to get to.

Both my OCD and the portion of my ADD that overfocused became similar looking on the outside, because I was stuck on one thing. Each was about being stuck on something. The difference was focus. An OCD compulsion was one in which I KNEW there were otherthings to do, but I couldnt do them until the first was finished or there would be the dreaded horrible-unknown-fate-that-will-befall-me-and-i-cant-name-it. You all know that feeling. The ADD overfocus was when i would realize out of the blue i had been on something for 8 hours and had forgotten all the other items.

So here was my typical day:

Wake up. Hate life. God you are a pathetic slob.

Drink 5 cups of coffee and buckle down. Today, you are martha fucking stewart.

Go in kitchen to clean. but just as I start the dishes, the phone rings. I answer it. I put it down next to the fridge absentmindedly. Ew....look at that fridge, there's something that splashed from the stove on it. get stuck repetitively scrubbing EVERY inch of the fridge. whoops. that took an hour. what was i doing? oh yes, the dishes.

Start the dishes. The big wok is too big for the dishdrain. Dry it off with a dishtowel so you can hang it immediately instead of it taking up room in the dishdrain. Come to think of it, this towel is kinda dirty. It is time to wash it.

Put the dirty towels from the kitchen in the bathroom hamper.

When did I leave my cell phone in the bathroom? That doesnt belong here! take it to the charger in the living room. Trip over coat on the floor from when I ran in yesterday between errands.

Why is my coat on the living room floor? Take it to the coat closet in the hallway.

In the hallway, there are sandals from July. It is snowing out and it is January. Look at all those summer shoes. We better pack them away for the winter! Go to the storage room to get a box.

Holy crap! The cat puked on the box? Is she sick (worry worry worry). Better call the vet.

go to the living room and get the phone. But where IS the phone?

Search living room.

Search bedroom.

Search kitchen - oh there it is! next to the dishes......SHIT.....DIDNT I START THOSE THREE HOURS AGO? THERE IS ONLY ONE IN THE DISHRACK!

(cry cry cry)

A whole day went by and I got nothing done!!!

(cry cry cry)

I CANT THINK IN THIS MESS!!

(cry cry cry)

Now lets serious. At the end of the day, no room was clean. I felt defeated and ineffective. when your keys are in the fridge and your cat is pissed because you havent remembered to feed her for 2 days, and the police are investigating you for running a fraudulent fake ID operation because you have had 8 licenses in one year, you start to hate yourself. When you hear "but you have so much potential" one too many times and your grades are only either A or F, depending whether it is a lecture or a paper, and your house is filthy, you start to get panicky about people coming over, because it's nasty. When you are panicky about people coming over you obsess about what people think of you. Poof, you now are depressed and anxious ALL the time.

So now I am on Adderall because, obviously, I am so ADD. But my pdoc thinks that because I cant concentrate and I am anxious about people and because I can spend days crying about the mess in my house, I must be Bi-Polar primarily and ADD second. This all happened to my sister. Right before she tried to kill herself.

The pdoc doesnt address the OCD because she wants to "rule out" BP. This worries me. BP meds completely overrule my adderall, and instead of getting frustrated about all this (which personally, i think any sane person would get frustrated and depressed living this for even one day!) I just am comotose and dont care.

So the OCD is back. Ew. It is so back with a vengence. I wish I knew how to explain it. As I am more and more frightened by the lessening of the effects of the adderall due to the BP meds, I get more and more obsessed with finishing tasks. The meeting might be in five minutes, but I can't stop writing the email I am on/memo i am writing/database I am updateing/task I am doing for the next 20 minutes. Even though I know it isnt crucial to the meeting. Even though I know it can be done later. And I know it isnt hyperfocusing ADD because I feel compelled and the dreaded horrible-unknown-fate-that-will-befall-me- feeling is there and worst of all, I know as each minute passes how late I will be but I CANT break away.

But it's not handwashing. I don't count anything. It's not obvious, and keeps getting attributed to the ADD because I am "stuck". I

Sigh.

I particularly need thoughts on how to talk to my pdoc in such a way she doesnt completely blow me off. Help!

[Velvet Elvis]

I match you on the dx's. I'm going to have to take another stimulant dose and make some tea (had to give up on the espresso, anxiety) before I can make it through your post and respond to everything.

[Guest espressogrrl]

Oh thank god.

Take your time. I cant wait to hear what you have to say. This is all so confusing and this completely f**ked up lamictal makes me all zony. sorry for the length of it all, i can't figure out what to cut a lot of the times.

[Guest espressogrrl]

FYI,

I researched and called a pdoc for a second opinion scheduled for friday. he has specialities in ADHD, Anxiety, Panic & Phobias, and Depression, according to the NJ Psychiatric Association. I feel really guilty about doing this, like i am cheating on the first one. really though, (i keep telling myself) i am looking for any opinion at all, because my current pdoc doesnt really talk about what she suspects and i kinda feel in the dark. god i hope i dont screw this up.

my comotose state is piling up all this worry and anxiety. the lamictal has me spinning wheels and hiding in corners from doing any work. i am terrified of facing a compulsion or getting lost in a workload.

before the lamictal the 20mgs of adderall wasn't perfect, but enough to show marked changes. i definitely was able to regroup when faced with a high workload, and I could kick out tasks 1,2,3, and remember where keys were 50% of the time as opposed to 0% but the lamictal killed all that concentration even when on the adderall. and twice now, since the lamictal, i have completely forgotten i already took the adderall and took it twice. not that twice the adderall helped me anymore than usual, because i only know that because i just went and got a daily pill box because i feel so scattered again, and i see i am two pills short. EEEEK. dont fuck it up dont fuck it up dont fuck it up.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Guest espressogrrl]

UPDATE::

appointment canceled due to BOMBTHREAT. jesus christ. all those hopes of diagnosing and treating anxiety today lost. big poof of smoke. AAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK~!

[easyrider1984]

Hello!!

I'm sorry to hear about all this. It must have been/be hell at times.

Have you managed to go to see your pdoc? Did s/he diagnose you? Does the OCD behaviours feel bad at the moment?

Damn bomb scares! *angry face* I can't really offer any advice I'm sorry. I have experience of certain compulsive behaviours, though they may not be OCD behaviours.

Take care!!

[Guest espressogrrl]

Hello!!

I'm sorry to hear about all this. It must have been/be hell at times.

Have you managed to go to see your pdoc? Did s/he diagnose you? Does the OCD behaviours feel bad at the moment?

Damn bomb scares! *angry face* I can't really offer any advice I'm sorry. I have experience of certain compulsive behaviours, though they may not be OCD behaviours.

Take care!!

thanks for checking in on me!!

after FOUR HOURS i finally got through the intake line to reschedule an appointment. it was horrendus. I was having panic attacks the whole time, shaking, crying, going back and forth obsessing about wether or not I will ever be able to figure out what's wrong with me... just being in limbo like this, an accepted patient but no idea as to the appointment, no idea as to when I will be diagnosed by a pdoc (my current is an APN) and no way to be able to prepare, sent me spiralling...

the ocd behaviors are HORRIBLE at the moment. I can't do anything right. I obsess over the smallest detail. So anxious that my Board is going to know whats up with me, that I could barely send the shortest email without checking each letter and phrase for grammar and spelling (i suck at that) and second guessing my phrasing....i couldnt get to the send button even though I KNEW all the other things on my todo list... the anxiety was horrendus....

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!

appointment is now on wednesday. *counting hours*

[Guest Guest]

been thinking of you. let us know how the appt went!

[Guest Guest]

hey, i saw you were online yesterday but you must not have seen my response from yesterday to this thread. im wondering how your appt went on wednesday. let us know! ive been thinking of you.

if you posted about it on another thread, please post the link here so i can find it. thanks and hope all is well.

[Guest espressogrrl]

hey, i saw you were online yesterday but you must not have seen my response from yesterday to this thread. im wondering how your appt went on wednesday. let us know! ive been thinking of you.

if you posted about it on another thread, please post the link here so i can find it. thanks and hope all is well.

Wow.

Arent you just the best!!! Thanks so much for being interested! I have my eye on some work i have to do today - but will be back with an update tonight!!!

thank you again...