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Hi!

I'm sorry I've just used this site as a place to vent the last week or so. I'm having an anxiety/panic attack this morning. I can't stop crying. I was lying on the floor curled up in a pool of my own tears. I feel light-headed.

I was up most of the night last night. I went to bed but I couldn't sleep. I just cried for about half an hour constantly and hard. Then I lay there for about half an hour. I decided to come on the computer to distract myself. It worked I guess. I was awake until half 6 this morning.

I was meant to be going the gym this morning aswell as my Echo Group ("social support for those that self-harm"). I was going to stay awake, as I feel better if I do rather than having a few hours sleep, go the gym, then the Echo Group. My Dad came on the computer to print something off this morning at about half 6 and i lay on my bed. I didn't even mean to go to sleep. Then my training partner phoned at half 8 to check I was still going. I fell back asleep. I phoned him at half 9 when I woke up (or he phoned me) and told him I'd overslept. Then I phoned him back five minutes later to tell him the same thing again. I forgot as I was only half awake. This is the 3rd day in a row I've let him down. I'm such a screw-up.

I gave my Mum a letter last night too explaining some of my feelings. It's taken over two weeks to give it to her. My Dad read it this morning as I left it out for him. He left it by my door like I asked. I don't want to discuss it with either of them.

I feel so anxious and panicing. All I want to do is cry and bang my head and squeeze my head and I feel horrible. I feel so light-headed and I was breathing so hard. I don't know what to do. I want to cut so bad even though I'm supposed to be showing my Mum my arm for the first time this evening. And it's healed now!

Argh! I can't do this ;)

Sorry if this post makes not much sense

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Do you hvae any tranqs to take. That always helped me when I was in the middle of a panic attack. Hope the rest of your day is better.

Sylvia

Be pragmatic---use what works at the moment. It won't last forever.

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Hi!

I'm sorry I've just used this site as a place to vent the last week or so.

We all do that EZ, you been doing a great job, I'm sure the emotions have been really building up a head of steam. Trust me I've cried alot and the more you try to stuff it the more it hurts when you blow, and you will blow.

Pay me now or pay me later is my motto with all this shitty stuff. Deal with it as it comes up and then say goodbye to it when it passes. You're healing.

Keep posting. Changing unhealthy behaviors is so hard boy do i know.

S9

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hey, EZ, did ya know there is a correlation (for some people) between sleep deprivation and decrease of depression? like, for some folks, staying up & not sleeping alleviates depresson.

so could be you are crashig not because you suck but because your body slept too much.

you're still very new at managing this. expect to make mistakes. the key is to learn from them.

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hey, EZ, did ya know there is a correlation (for some people) between sleep deprivation and decrease of depression? like, for some folks, staying up & not sleeping alleviates depresson.

This can work for me BUT only for one day. And not when I'm particularly anxious. Which isn't very often.

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Guest espressogrrl

The glass is half full. I swear. I SWEAR. Four reasons why you are going to win this war with your head:

Hi!

I'm sorry I've just used this site as a place to vent the last week or so...

I decided to come on the computer to distract myself. It worked I guess.

damn straight. this is reason why you are going to win the war, #1. You actively seek out another way to deal then cutting.

I gave my Mum a letter last night too explaining some of my feelings. It's taken over two weeks to give it to her.
You gave her a letter? WOW. in ONLY two weeks? Super wow! some of us take years to get the energy to do that, and some of us are too scare of rejection. reason #2 you are going to win.

Dad read it this morning as I left it out for him. He left it by my door like I asked. I don't want to discuss it with either of them.

Reason #3. You apparently have done some communicating just perfect. They are listening to your requests and fulfilling your boundary needs, and you are in return giving them attempts to get the explanations they need.

I'm supposed to be showing my Mum my arm for the first time this evening. And it's healed now!
Reason #4. You have obviously taken steps to share your pain outside your head. even if you chicken out, you are taking those steps.

Argh! I can't do this ;)

yes you can. and if you don't today, we all will know that you still can tomorrow. everyone has every bit of faith in you. use the boards all you want.

xoxoxo

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Hello!!

Thank you for all your support everyone! I really appreciate it!

I didn't have hardly any sleep the night before, reddog. It's usually worse for me when I am sleep deprived, but I guess it is different for everyone. I think you're right that the key is to learn from them. I will try to bear that in mind when I think about what has happened/happening.

I love that Homer quote too, Lily. It's such a good description of how I feel (besides drinking lots of beer lol!).

I never looked at it that way before, espressogrrl. It's only recently that I've started to use other means instead of cutting, all the time, which I think is an improvement. You've given me a little more confidence with those reasons ;) I guess my perception of myself is been altered right now by things, but I dunno. Thanks.

I still think I can't do this - handle depression and life. I still haven't shown her my arm.

But I'm trying.

Take care!!

Thank you :)

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Guest espressogrrl

I never looked at it that way before, espressogrrl. It's only recently that I've started to use other means instead of cutting, all the time, which I think is an improvement. You've given me a little more confidence with those reasons ;) I guess my perception of myself is been altered right now by things, but I dunno. Thanks.

Thank you :)

anytime buddy!

xoxo,

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EZ,

You may be feeling terrible, but you are showing signs of strength. Cutting is NOT an option. Things that don't hurt you ARE options. It must have required a great deal of strength to write that letter.

espressogirl,

You are amazing. Right on!

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