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I've been assimilated.


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Hello.. I've lurked for about a week or so to become more familiar with this place, but mainly to avoid making an idiot of myself.

Hmm.. I guess I'll begin by stating: I have an eating disorder, major depression, and Bipolar. Those are the things that have been the most pronounced lately, anyway. A little over two months ago I had a week stay in a mental hospital, due to a psychotic fit of mania and paranoia. To be specific: gradually I began developing odd beliefs and such.. I was regularly doing things like walking long distances just to buy a bag of jelly beans, etc. Things looked a bit different. Colors were very bright and garish and everything appeared very dramatic and intense. I saw things like floating, pinkish funnels in the air, and I would follow them around. I nearly jumped off a very high stairwell at school (which would basically be suicide) because I believed that gravity did not apply to me, that the air would somehow "catch" me because I was an incarnated alien. Small things like that. Anyway, it rapidly got much, much worse until I was a completely hysterical, screaming and crying wreck, toted off to the hospital, and knocked out by a hefty dosage of seroquel & thorazine.

My eating disorder is and always has been kept secret, however, it's probably the most consuming of my problems. If I were to be formally diagnosed, I'd probably have ed-nos. I'm at an average weight right now, but starting to lose again.

I used to be a "cutter" (as a form of self-punishment, mostly), but that ended a few months ago. I have some issues with anxiety also, which is why I am and always have been a complete recluse. During high school I did horribly because I always ended up skipping many classes at a time, hiding out in a bathroom stall or something. I've probably had depression for the longest--- and I've nothing to be depressed about really (aside from the obvious, I mean), which disgusts me quite a bit. It's not a sad sort of depression; it's more like a certain numbness with intervals of hysteria or anger. To put it simply, it feels as though I'm in a glass box, of sorts. But I won't bore you with my lame metaphors, so, moving on..

I've improved since the hospital stay, yes-- I haven't had any vivid hallucinations like that since then. Now, it's more like my brain is a pile of gray mush (why gray in particular? I don't know), kind of hovering above my body watching the wreckage thrive. Too many diet pills are making me a bit loopy, very jittery and so I'm very impressed with my ability to type all this out.

Well then.. I guess that will be all.

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Pink Funnels, eh? Well, at least life was full of adventure. I'm glad you've got things under control pretty much. Also, sounds like you're fighting the eating disorder pretty good. I like being proud of people I don't know. Like you.

Well, you've got to use metaphors, see. No one understand this crap. Besides, for some reason, if you have to explain your brain (and you think gray because of the old term gray matter), people want grand metaphors, and angst. Blah. Can't a person just say, "It feels normal that I fantazise about killing myself." (Which I don't anymore. Hell, I'm thinking of not buying my motorcycle.)

But, good to have you here. I've been gone and haven't really gotten my CB-legs back.

metaphor metaphor yeah

Oh, and I'm just depressed, 300mg WB.

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