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My Late Introduction.


Guest espressogrrl

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Guest espressogrrl

Well,

I have been here 5 days and remembered that I never did an introduction. That's rude isnt it? I am so very very sorry. I got distracted by the politics forum!! And thats not just ADD. That's because you all rock so very damn much. Sorry I was so rude! I just jumped in and never bothered to say hello!!! damnit.

I am a twentysomething feminist non profit coordinator jersey. I am an uber feminist, I guess, so I tend to be opinionated - but not without compassion. Things you should know - I seem really strong because i have strong opions politically, but i am not so strong about myself. Also, my OCD obsession is to never be misunderstood, and never miss a to-do, and so my compulsion is to never miss a detail in an explanation (ew. long posts.) and to reply to every post (ew. frequent poster.) and to finish every to-do in my life in a comprehensive complete fashion. You should see my outlook to do list. It's a million miles long. I am so afraid of forgeting things or doing things even slightly half assed.

Being a poor activist for the last 12 years, health insurance was very touch and go. I finally raised enough money in my current job for the org to pay for it. wooweee. it's a crappy hmo and diagnoses are very difficult, hard to come by, and definitely hard to personalize in an assembly style mental health system.

I am ADD and OCD and something else I dont understand. The first time I went through therapy, they misdiagnosed me with just general depression for two years before I got the ADD/OCD diag and put me on prozac. This of course did nothing because i was depressed from being unproductive from the ADD/OCD. Right when i got the proper diag, the touch and go period of the health insurance began.

This time around my pdoc (actually, i think she is an APN, not a psychiatrist) recommended by the HMO is screening me for BP with lamictal. I get to keep my adderall (thank GOD) but the lamictal eliminates the affects of it.

for various reasons (in other posts) I am going to try a new pdoc tomorrow. I desperately need a solid diagnosis!!! I am sure APN's are GREAT, but if I am anything like my family, i need a pdoc.

I dont want to repeat myself and annoy all of you, since I already started posting. So I just want to say thank you for accepting me, thank you CrazyBoards Team for this amazing product of heart, compassion, and understanding.

;)

*****compulsion alert. other posts relating to this crazy meds experiment hell********

Why is my lamictal killing my adderall?

OCD/ADD/BP Diagnosis Hell

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Welcome Espresso Girl, it's great to have you around. You clearly have good stuff to contribute and don't worry about being annoying (which you're not) but we all take turns at it...just let 'er rip!

Again, good to have you here.

S9

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Guest espressogrrl

Pleased to meetcha Espresso Girl. I read more than I post and I've been enjoying your posts all week. Keep writing!

;)

:)

:cussing:

the love the love... i feel so warm and fuzzy. not like my apartment 100degree warm. where's my airconditioner? I keep meaning to put it in the window... shit...there was another add trip. grrr.

thanks for letting me know you have been a reading... i have this compulsion to explain every detail, and it's good to know that i am not coming off as a pretentious loud mouth....loud mouth is ok....pretentious not so much...

and i have to be so damn precise for the job, and so careful with details, but here it is so forgiving....

as for what i like to contribute, i am beginning to think, that from the conversations I have seen around here, WE are not the crazy ones.... the outside world is... maybe we just evolved to quickly....

ok. that was pretentious.

tee hee.

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Hi Espressogrrl!

I've been enjoying your posts too. Nice to meet a fellow ADDwhackjob! Hi!

I loooove this OCD groove you've got going! I don't love that you're OCD, but you explain it so well, with such good illustrations. It dovetails nicely with ADD, doesn't it? When it doesn't drive you up the wall, I mean.

I don't believe you have yet shared with us the meaning behind your name and avatar. Please indulge us!

lily (American chick living in Tokyo)

(edited to fix fookin spacing thing that crops up in replies. can't have too many spaces, nonono!)

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Guest espressogrrl

I loooove this OCD groove you've got going! I don't love that you're OCD, but you explain it so well, with such good illustrations. It dovetails nicely with ADD, doesn't it? When it doesn't drive you up the wall, I mean.

oh thank god. no one has validated that for me yet. I REALLY appreciate it. Together they are the worst task master. Like "do it. do it now. do it RIGHT NOW or you will befall the dreaded horrible-unknown-fate! Ok. thanks for doing it. NOW DO IT AGAIN. no-wait. do this other thing. Do it. Do it RIGHT NOW".....ad nauseum.

I have found the only way out sometimes is to set a timer. and i tell the evil OCD compulsion that i will obey when the bell goes off. Usually, when the bell goes off, I have forgotten the compulsion. But now, with the adderall, the OCD has a lot of room to stretch out it's legs. I have been wondering where it went the last couple years....and dreaded it's return!

Thanks again for validating it for me. My compulsions are not hollywood, you know? They aren't something you can add Jack Nicholson (As Good As It Gets) or Tony Shaloub (Monk - USA Channel) and get something obviously OCD and pleasantly funny.

I don't believe you have yet shared with us the meaning behind your name and avatar. Please indulge us!

I have a coffee problem. I mean PROBLEM. coffee is GOD. decaf is POINTLESS. seriously. what is the purpose? To kid me? to play a horrible cruel joke? It looks like coffee, it smells like coffee, it tastes like coffee, but it is really just brown water? I can get brown water when I turn on the faucet - i live in Jersey for christs sake!

but seriously, I realize that i have been self medicating on coffee in my life before the dx. I was known as the coffee girl. no meeting i went to didnt have it. Once I got out of a traffic ticket of 600$ by pleading lack of caffeine that morning. (I litterally said, "Judge, I wasnt caffeinated, my mother was on the phone and that makes any normal person prone to BAD decisions.") She laughed and gave me a $30 fine. Starbucks knew me as "Quad-Shot-Venti-Soy-Raspberry-White-Chocolate-Mocha-With-Whipp" (and that is the starbucks official order of how to say the drink). yes, you did see the word 'quad'. FOUR shots of espresso.

by college, I needed a pot of coffee to sleep.

we have rules in my family - dont talk to me pre caffeine. dont go to meeting pre caffeine. dont argue with me pre caffeine. anything of the sort will be considered a pre-emptive strike.

It's not the buzz i was addicted to - it actually calmed me down. The adderall helps a lot - but i still need at least two espressos at some point in the day. Everyone should drink coffee, i think. It's a fast paced society. Drink coffee - make stupid mistakes faster - get over them faster. ;)

the avatar? I like his face. it makes me happy. it's how i feel when i get my 3 oclock fix, that cup in the middle of the day when you are ragged from a fast paced job, and were about to slide down, desperately trying to keep your "people face" screwed in. And the espresso sinks in and while baggy eyed and exhausted from anxiety, you can get your second wind and hang in there.

plus - have you noticed how soy creamer makes your fingernails hard? since my current battle with OCD includes eliminating any dead skin around the fingernails - i find pretty fingernails helps me not pick at the sides or cuticles. so of COURSE i should drink caffeine.

Oh - and one more thing, it makes your meds sink in faster and pain killers too. It's just a wonder drug. And espresso is the best - one shot is like 2 cups of coffee - so I argue it's time management...

Note to ADD coffee addicts:

The best thing in the world is a coffee warmer. You can forget that cup of coffee because of a distraction, but there it is, 20 minutes later - STILL WARM. mmmmm.

*checks her amount of spaces...*

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Guest Guest

Hey, good to have you here. I've been gone for a long time from here, and really resisted coming back, as I like to pretend I'm normal, but here I am, and this is probably the first post I've made in, well, a long time.

Sounds great that you have something that you care about enough to get going on it. Activism seems to me like it would be a fun hobby. However, a side effect of my WB is that I really don't give a damn about much. That I know there is corruption, injustice, and pain out there is enough, I don't need names and faces put to them. I'm not their hero, so why burden myself with their pain. I know, not so inline with your view, sorry.

I'll also not debate you on political matters.

In the last two years, after I've been to the barrios of Mexico City and to a podunk town of 2 million in China, I realize, people are great when they are under adversity. Now, while I don't want to be the one putting them down. It seems, when pressured, when living in crap, then their souls just glow as they fight to help the others around them. It seems the old clich

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Guest espressogrrl

crap crap crap crap crap.

I don't know what other thread to put this on. This thread is about me, so I guess this is best.

So you all know how i was looking for a new pdoc because i am getting anxious about a misdiagnosis? (over in the OCD threads) Basically, i am worried that i am like my sister, and medicating me for bi-polar wont take care of the anxiety in the OCD....blah blah blah... so I made an appointment for today. I researched someone with a special interest in OCD, ADD, Bi-Polar and Anxiety Disorders, figuring, hey - he will know the difference, right?

So I am getting ready to go and i get a call from the center (its a center with approximately 5 pdocs) that the center is in the middle of a BOMBTHREAT and they have to cancel my appointment.

talk about anxiety.

Shit shit shit. I was going to get ANSWERS today. I only held out with the lamictal because i thought I would get either an upping of my adderall or something for the OCD today. should i keep taking the lamictal? it makes me comotose and negates my adderall and makes me cry. it made my sister try to kill her self. and i wont get an appointment on monday. i will get a chance to make another appointment. do i have wait until monday? is my soon-to-be pdoc making his clients crazier than they are ?????

how am i going to get work done?? my ocd is wagging a nasty finger at me, complaining about all the work i have to do that will JUST NOT BE DONE with the lamictal. ggggrrrrrrrrr.

this is going to be a bad day. a very very bad day.

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Guest espressogrrl

Good idea.

*went and got coffee*

i guess lamictal comotose is better than FREAKING OUT.

*takes full dose of lamictal*

this last damnable pdoc put WAY too much in my hands in regards to how much lamictal to take and when. I need answers and not these vague run arounds. grrr. arg.

I will call my GP and ask for permission to go to the hospital this weekend if i need to.

*drinks more coffee*

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JBella beat me to it.

Coffee, my child. Drink up. Your OCD will forget about this soon enough. Yeah, then it'll remember, but then it'll forget again.

Uh, then remember yet again, but that's when you get another coffee infusion.

It's all good.

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Lily! Are you up at 4:21 am?

oops, I meant by your post time of 2:21 p.m, not my post time of whatever.

Ack! Outed by Libster! You were right, luv, it was 4:21am my time.Fell off the wagon again.

Espressobabe, sorry to threadjack, but Lib is providing a helpful service. My pals come after me when I'm on here instead of, y'know, eating/sleeping/peeing/going to work etc.

Thanks for the hit, Libster! Espressobabe, hope you're doing better!

lily, creature of the night

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Guest espressogrrl

Lily! Are you up at 4:21 am?

oops, I meant by your post time of 2:21 p.m, not my post time of whatever.

Ack! Outed by Libster! You were right, luv, it was 4:21am my time.Fell off the wagon again.

Espressobabe, sorry to threadjack, but Lib is providing a helpful service. My pals come after me when I'm on here instead of, y'know, eating/sleeping/peeing/going to work etc.

Thanks for the hit, Libster! Espressobabe, hope you're doing better!

lily, creature of the night

threadjack away!!! it makes me giggle. and get anxious. when i finally get medicated for the anxiety/ocd, you guys can do that to me... until then, lets pretend that i am not blowing off my job by cuddling up here for a sense of safety. ;) how long should you wait before making a springer thread without looking like a pretentious a-hole?

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Springer thread NOW!

Go on, fill up the coffee mug, getcher Quad Veni Wini Wiki Starbucks rocket fuel cocktail, and go to Springerland.

In the interest of full disclosure, it's 10:15 Saturday here in Tokyo, haven't peed yet, cats glaring balefully at overflowing litterbox, laundry threatening to march out of here on its own steam, really REALLY have to pee, time clock rapidly ticking down to appointment for haircut and root touchup, still have makeup on from yesterday, no brekkie yet, dishes in sink starting to smell...so no, I won't be taking you to task for avoiding anything.

heh, if yer here anyway, might as well crack open a nice cold Springer thread n'est ce pas?

lazy lily

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Guest espressogrrl

Espressogirl, if there were a waiting period for a springer thread, I would move that you receive a waiver because you are nice. We don't want crazy people getting ahold of guns quickly, but springer threads are still largely unregulated. We wait with baited breath. No puns, you bunch of nuts.

you know roberts rules? ("move that you"). I have to chair a board with RR a couple times a year. Its ADD hell.

hmmm. ok. i will get on that... I'm afraid I'll go blank.

you might want to reconsider, I am considered deadly with the bullhorn, i have three - one in my office, one in my house and one in my car.... you want one here too?

muaaaaaa ha ha ha!

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