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:cussing:

She wants to drown me. Sweet oblivion, bliss and ending life in the primal waters that nearly killed me at birth, left me drowning in air.

How can this part of me be thinking, wanting this, when I am totally clearly aware also simultaneously of wanting to live live live?

Its this damn dissociative disorder of mine.

She scares, me this other part.

And yet, she is possessed of a fragile beauty, like a siren, calling me to my end.

No no no no no.

My head aches and I feel tense. Trying to breathe, mustn't let this other me take over.

I'll be ok. I just need to communicate, to be seen and heard.

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Guest espressogrrl

i think i get this.

she has nothing but smoke and mirrors to offer you. She fell into the primal waters ages ago. now she's floating and pissy and jealous that you didnt fall too. Smoke and mirrors, girl.... it's all she has left to lure you in...

grab on to the couch, the cat, (do you have one? they're awesome) the floor. touch something tangible. theres no smoke, no mirrors here. your real, you are going to have a full beautiful life, with kitty cats and friends, and people who will stir you and make you feel, sad, happy, angry and joyful, tangible moments brilliant with pieces of living.

she's the part that died so you could be the part that lived. And as time goes on, she will be the part that fades and you will be the part that blooms.

she wasnt strong enough and thats why she's smoke. you are and thats why you have breath.

xoxox

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thank you Breeze, ER, Libby, espressogrrl, Tom and Drumming...

Thank you for hearing me and responding....your words mean a lot to me...most of all what I need when she comes out is human connection......that brings me back.....helps me keep on track.....

she's not quite so forefront this morning....she murmurs a little in the background, but not so intensely.

it helps to let her safely speak...but not let her 'take over'....as far as I can.

posting here helped/s. also I took some of my Cherry Plum remedy, that helped too. as did the remeron. (even if it simply recahes the anxiety, that helped. maybe propranolol would help. I might try that next time....as well....)

therapy is the main thing that helps.....

the fact of my therapist being away tomorrow.....is part of this...also, I work in the library on Saturdays, and that is more stressful than my weekday job in the stock support section.....so I have to hold onto relatively social functioning all day, and that isn't always easy for me. also, I was feeling really fragile last Saturday, so took the day off..and do hadn't been facing 'the public' for 2 weeks....so, that's stressful....

espressogrrl, those are so the words I need/ed to hear....you are so spot on...

She fell into the primal waters ages ago. now she's floating and pissy and jealous that you didnt fall too. Smoke and mirrors, girl.... it's all she has left to lure you in...
and

she's the part that died so you could be the part that lived. And as time goes on, she will be the part that fades and you will be the part that blooms.

she wasnt strong enough and thats why she's smoke. you are and thats why you have breath.

yes.yes.yes.

and, I myself don't have a cat. my flatmates do, and they're on hols til Tues eve. so, yes, Dizzy is around. I have cleaning to do later, that'll help too.

Drumming. Why does she want to hurt me? eg's words put it so well....also, I'm trying to reach out and have some life now...like planning to be befriended and such, and she doesn't like that....

I'll have to think about that some more and come back to it..

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Drumming. Why does she want to hurt me? eg's words put it so well....also, I'm trying to reach out and have some life now...like planning to be befriended and such, and she doesn't like that....

I'll have to think about that some more and come back to it..

Has she been less self-destructive in the past?

Maybe she's afraid that as you become stronger dealing socially with outside people that you won't need HER and she'll

be made to go away forever? It almost sounds like she's the "girl who's Beautiful Enough and Doing Well Enough By

Herself that she doesn't NEED these Other People anyway". And let's face it, when things are going well we don't

have to be that person. But oh, when we feel rejected and lonely it can help to be able to say "screw 'em - I don't

need that kind of attention anyway!" and pretend we mean it, if only for just a little while.

Just my tuppence for a talking point...

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Guest espressogrrl

Why does she want to hurt me? eg's words put it so well....also, I'm trying to reach out and have some life now...like planning to be befriended and such, and she doesn't like that....

I'll have to think about that some more and come back to it..

Heya nestling...

i am not very good at this...and i can't pretend to know exactly where you are coming from.... so i hope what i say is helpful here, and please know, i could be wrong....very wrong.....

but i strongly believe, very strongly in fact, when i hear a story like yours, that she's not thinking about it as trying to hurt you....

when you made the decision to live through what you have been through, there was a split.... you cant move on with out letting something go.... i think she is the part you let go....and like i said...as time goes on, she is the part of your past that will fade away and you are the part that will bloom.....

but for right now, until you bloom, you are kinda in limbo.... there is a part of you that is missing - her. it's like breaking up with your past, when you decide to keep going, and at first, there are empty parts....

so you fill them in...you are creating your other half, the half that used to be her, every day when you reach out, make friends, experience life, feel sunshine, each day that you take steps to form a new, healthier, happy half you are another step away from ever having her as that half ever again... this is the period most have their relapses...they let go of the part of them that held them back, but they haven't filled in that hole that was left from letting go yet....

until you have filled in the parts of you that you have let go of, she is going to be there, tempting you to be "whole" by embracing her - your past and the sadness that at times can be easier and more comfortable then the anxiousness of trying new things and having new experiences.... of course she doesnt like this...she doesnt want to be replaced...but she is the half that is doomed to fade away, and a new half of hope, feeling, and moments that are full of the fiber of life is going to be formed...

it's time to fill in the half she used to be....you decide with what...with her? ...or with new life, new hope, new experiences....

thats my thoughts, dear...

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Hey nestling,

I also seem to have a part of me that's a bit like this. Sometimes gets hold of my vocal cords and says bad things in private. I find it helpful to argue back, and to state the things that I actually want. If it says "You're gonna die, ldo" (well, actually uses my real name), I'll say, if no one's around, "Not for a long time." I think it takes a long time to fight this stuff off. I've mentioned this to my shrink a couple of times, but haven't heard back anything about me being "dissociative". It's MUCH less of a problem than it was years ago. I think I may be wearing it down.

Anyway, keep fighting it off and disputing. I want the part of you that takes care of yourself to be the part that wins.

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Guest espressogrrl

Hey nestling,

I also seem to have a part of me that's a bit like this. Sometimes gets hold of my vocal cords and says bad things in private. I find it helpful to argue back, and to state the things that I actually want. If it says "You're gonna die, ldo" (well, actually uses my real name), I'll say, if no one's around, "Not for a long time." I think it takes a long time to fight this stuff off. I've mentioned this to my shrink a couple of times, but haven't heard back anything about me being "dissociative". It's MUCH less of a problem than it was years ago. I think I may be wearing it down.

Anyway, keep fighting it off and disputing. I want the part of you that takes care of yourself to be the part that wins.

thats like my sis, she's not DID, but she's OCD... so bad it manifests into voices...

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thanks eg, ldo and null0.

you have some very good points....

I'll reflect on it and come back...

she's partly around this morning, its empty because my therapist is away today. empty empty empty. alone. angry. hurting. afraid.

have to go to work this afternoon, soon...it will give me time to get my head and heart around this more....

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ok, am here now. feeling kind of more whole....so maybe I can explore and express it a bit more clearly...

actually, she's been a lot lot more self destructive in the past....she was the one who self harmed. and I am just about 10 months self harm free....but, in other ways what you say makes exact sense, Null0.... except she was never beautiful and never will be. she is convinced she/I am ugly....worthless....repulsive.....she hates herself...

eg, your words resonate very clearly....thank you...

and to add, because I've had some important realisations...

I was thinking, reflecting, pondering on the way home from work ... and I think I understand....

My dissociated part was created when I underwent some traumatic experiences and had to freeze my feelings to survive....

~ when I was stuck and close to death in the birth canal and didn't know whether to decide to live or die. and was then yanked out by forceps and had no choice....I guess I was pretty angry...and scared, I wasn't ready for the world...I wasn't fully formed yet...

~ when poked and prodded by drs and nurses when I was very very small....they didn't mean to hurt me, but they did, and the lights were too bright and I just wanted them to leave me in peace, just to be there, in a calm and quiet dark room, being held by my mummy.....content....I have never known that contentment...except recently in therapy...

~ feeling alone and terrified when very small, with no human comfort and containment to make it safe and to soothe my terror of falling apart, falling forever etc....

and when my mum had PPD and was unresponsive to me when I did get to be with her.. (age 3 weeks and older...)

~ when dad scared me and made threats to send me away, have me put in a strait jacket, make me sleep in the shed, shouted and hurt my mum, and I felt lost and bewildered and had nowhere to turn...except 'escape' in my mind...

~ when the bullies targetted me relentlessly day after day year after year and I couldn't fight back....

So, all my feelings that I couldn't manage safely when all these traumas happened.....the terror, the loss, the anger, the rage, the intense anxiety, the fear....all got separated off from the rest of my mind, into a separate room to which I've had no access until recent years and months in therapy..and I'm feeling all what was previously separated from me....a tumultuous, chaotic, profound and deeply moving experience...

I feel like the door to that room in my mind is less locked now.....

no wonder I'm exhausted and my feelings are all over the place....and I'm scared all the time...No wonder...I've just realised that... its a powerful realisation....

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~nestling~ -

Just to help my understanding about this "other part of you", is it a voice that you seem to physically hear in your mind, as though it weren't coming from you at all, but another person; is it a voice that you have assigned to a part of your psyche that doesn't get along with the other parts of your psyche (as with Gollum in Lord of the Rings, My Precious); or is it just a sense, that is easier to describe as a voice?

Cerberus

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Hi Cerberus.

Its a combination of the second and third examples. Its not a voice as such though, its thoughts and feelings. And, it is completely opposite pretty much to the observing and care-taking part of me. It wants to die, while there is also a hopeful part that wants to love.

I've probably made it even more complex now... ;)

(and I've never read or seen Lord of the Rings, so I am kind of stuck there. but yes, me and I find it hard to live with each other, as it were.)

me being the adapted part that managed to hide all the pain and sorrow and fear into a little black box in the corner of my mind for years, leaving that I in there and the feelings are starting to gradually emerge (so the black box doesn't explode) and yes its scary. yes it can feel like too much.

because back then it all was too much.

I have to live with myself now, and its not easy.

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Nestling

I understand entirely. I live in my mind/body with another analog of myself that wants self abuse and death. I don't know what to do about it, but I understand all too well.

Don't give in and let her lead, it's not a safe road to travel

blessings

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