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I am in big trouble again. I am so afraid of me...


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Iam in a big crisis right now.totaly panicky and outof control.. I have again reached my stress limits..Iwant to hurt myself I am so angry at my life.. I never felt that kind of inner hatred before..

I feel like such a waste of space,a real loser..I get the dose from hubby this morning, bitching about my lousy wifedness.He wants the house perfect.. I told him, that I felt it was time for me to relax abit

in my compulsive cleaning,, major hurting words flew from his mouth until I cried,

next off to pick up my things from my last days at My brother's house. Nervous was I, as that fateful night 2 ambulances and 1 fire engine and a cop car were all there for me . Flashing lights, and all the neighborhood saw and knew what I had done.. SIL was not there.. it was pretty bad hearing some of the things I said..But when you are strung out like I was.. Don t listen.. AL anon)

I was very upset to return to the scene and remember the good as well.. after emptying the first load , A J -

hubbys new name got pissed at me againfor everythig he could remember from years ago.

He left at 11:oo am returning at 9;oo pm drunk.reeking of it, leaving me by myself on CANADA DAY(KIDS GONE))feeling lost anf empty. I have lost my familly, my brother puts up with me because he cares still.

SIL and my tid the niece gone from my life,, she wears the pants in thefamily,, AJ I belive dislikes me now, for some idiotic reason.. I am so upset,that we he came home, drunk, I begged him to be nice to me tomorrow. I am still veryagitated. It takes my pills a longtime to settle me in a panic state. I go into a frenzy.. I do not want this hatred turning inward.. I took a beautifully handcrafted hunting knife and have laid it on my lap/ My One brother made it for my dad. I feel the urge softening alittle so the meds are kicking in.My biggest worry is suicide.. It was too easy and the outcome would have been right if I did not live with bro and wife at home on vacatin.. Everybody sais live alone!! I have a small income, no friends, no real group intrsts,no familly.. SO wtf do they think my chances are for survival?? People can be so dumb especially those who give advce on topics they have never experiened ever. Alone means death.

Oh doc knows= so he is trying to make the best of a horibble situation. Thank god for the kids ,always with me... I still feel a premonition of doom inside of me and will call tthe Mental health line In our Phone book,if it does not go away.That is to me aWARNING that I will have an ear popping .glass shattering panic attack, none like I have seen since MOm was alive.. I scream ,and scream untill I get exhausted,, releasing all emotions I keep bottled up. I hopenot.. I hear your good thoughts Stayin Alive FRosty

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Make the call. You are in a bad state. You need help and understanding.

You are too isolated. If the only support in your life is your brother and he can't help because of his wife, you need professional help. it's there at the end of the phone line.

Take care of yourself. You have taken care of everyone else.

Raven

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Oh Frosty, please please get some help ok? I see you're still on, and I can hear from your post that the situation is untenable.

Your husband is wrong. You do see that, right? He is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Please put the knife away. It wasn't created for the purpose you were considering a moment ago, was it? No!

Make the call. Make the call.

lily

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