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driving myself crazy and dying inside...


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I don't know what I'm doing. I don't.

I keep turning around on those I care about most, my friends, and I don't know how to control it. I feel like a hardcore bitch who does not deserve to live for it. I feel so guilty after... I can't deal with it. I don't want to lose those people... those very few people who know stuff about me, but deal with me anyway... I can't be alone. I already feel like I am alone a lot. If I lose certain people... I don't know how I can live. I already lost two people who were my "best friends" for two years (that one was not my fault), but it still haunts me. I still can't let go of it. It hurt so much.

I can't conrol my emotions a lot of the time and I will get upset and... everything, but I can't lose anyone else. I'm sorry about my instability and my inability to keep a hold of my emotions sometimes. I have spent so long trying to fight myself and hide everything, that I have lost all stregth to continue to do so. I don't want to be alone... I don't want to end up alone; I would rather kill myself.

I dissociate sometimes when things get bad and don't remember anything... sometimes for seemingly nothing...

I can't even go through everything that is going wrong. I'd be here forever. I can't keep myself stable and my moods are all over the place. I feel like everyone is going to leave me and I wouldn't be able to handle that, I really wouldn't.

I feel like a horrible person. I feel like anything good that I do is outweighed by the fact that I am a fucking psycho. Everything would be easier for everyone if I were dead. It would be easier for... just everyone...

I need to stop crying... and I need to try to fight the urges I have to hurt myself... I don't know why I bother with anything anymore. I am a waste.

I am sorry to all of you for having to deal with me.

<3

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We love you and won't ever leave you Opie.

Those feelings are the worst. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Mood swings suck. I subjected my friends and family to 20 yrs of them. And I believe I am just at the point where I am getting them under some sort of control. Twenty years and I have one rl friend that made it through all that. One. And she's a big ole fucked up mess herself. My own husband even left me last year because he couldn't take me anymore. Believe me, I know about wanting to end it all because of this crap.

But you gotta hang in there girl. You are worth it! When the right therapy and the right meds and the right docs come together miraculous changes will start to happen. You just have to hang in there.

In the meantime, when you start to feel those moods can you take a break from your friends/family? Let them know.."Hey I need some alone time so I dont' lash out at you" That's what I've been doing successfully for a while now. Just a suggestion. It's very late, and I can't think too well right now. I just wanted to leave you a quick post to let you know I'm thinking of you and I care.

Be safe. Take breaks. Pamper yourself when you need to. I'll be back to check in on you.

Your friend

Croix

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honey, you can be the biggest bitch on the planet, but if it's not YOU the you that is inside you underneath all the terribleness and the sickness, then people will always forgive you because they can see the real ophelia, not the one that is like she is because she can't help it.

it's little comfort i know.

but knowing that things aren't right is the biggest fucking achievement of all. because then you know that there are better ways to be, happier times ahead because you've sat on the bastard illness and you KNOW it! you know what creeps around your mind, the little insects, and before long you'll have some awesome psychological bug spray that will make them lie on their backs pedalling their evil black little legs. Die! Die!

um. ok.

hang in there babe.

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the fact that you guys cared enough to respond really means a lot to me It really means so much...

I'm having so much trouble keeping it togehter, though. I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm not sure that I want to last. I don't see a future for myself. I keep thinking that I just want to check out right now because going on will just be too hard and not worth it. I am not worth it. I cannot deal with life. Life is... I don't know...

I can't. I'm sorry. You guys are awesome, though. I really don't know what I'd do without you.

<3

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Hang in there Opie.

Maybe you should drop your next online course. Lighten your load.

Nothing says you have to flog yourself. Working a summer job is plenty for anyone.

Be less hard on yourself, and it will probably be easier to deal with others.

Be nice to Ophelia!

a.m.

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Opie-

I'm not quite sure what to say. But I do not think that you are a horrible person or a fucking psycho. You're a person in pain. The people who care about you know this. You say these people have already seen you through some shit... they're not going to just abandon you.

I know what you mean about losing friends. I lost my entire friend group my freshman year of college because of a fight with one girl. A stupid, stupid fight.

There is a future for you. A beautiful future where you are not alone. I don't know how to get to that future, but I do know that it exists.

You are not alone now, even if you feel it.

;)

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I'm having so much trouble keeping it togehter, though. I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm not sure that I want to last. I don't see a future for myself. I keep thinking that I just want to check out right now because going on will just be too hard and not worth it. I am not worth it. I cannot deal with life. Life is... I don't know...

i wish i could make it all go away for you... and i hope somewhere in you, you know that someday things won't hurt this bad. they really won't.

as for driving away friends. whee ha yeah. and the more sared and lonely i get the easier to lash out out of fear and thinking no one could ever care about me. which is annoying and god i hate that.

but we're here and you can lash and lash all you want and no one will think you're a bitch.

i understand crushing pain and how hard it is to keep it together and keep friendships when things are just too much to handle.

keep fighting the urge to hurt yourself. but it's ok to cry, ophelia. have to let that out somehow, you know.

be good to yourself,

penny

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Maybe you should drop your next online course. Lighten your load.

I can't drop it. I would be perceived as a failure by my parents and my friend that I am supposed to be taking the class with... even though I'm already see as a failure... and am one...

I do not think that you are a horrible person or a fucking psycho. You're a person in pain. The people who care about you know this. You say these people have already seen you through some shit... they're not going to just abandon you.

I feel like everyone is going to abandon me

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Ophelia, a whomping double dose of temazepam is kicking in and soon with any luck I will be asleep. I hope you can make it through the night OK and not hurt yourself. You seem like a very worthwhile person and I'm wishing you the best.

Do you think you can get some sleep? If you have some meds that will safely help you sleep maybe you can avoid cutting yourself for just one more night. It would be so good to see you make it through.

Take good care. It looks like there's lots of good people here for you.

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Oph,

*hugs* I am so sorry that you feel so awful, I can see that you're really suffering right now and I wish I could help you somehow.

Are you in any kind of therapy? Do you have a pdoc? When I feel this way I have a few numbers I can call and someone I can talk to, and sometimes I need someone who knows about BPD and how it skews our views on things to talk it over and reassure me. I know in my low times I often think I am a terrible person who everyone is on the verge of leaving, that I will never have a future and things just like you are posting. It's then that I need someone objective to talk it through and apply some DBT to it. Even my pdoc is good at reassuring me that we will find a med combo that works and that I do have a future. I really think it is important to have a support network so that you start to realise that you aren't going to be abandoned, and that you can get some relief from all these horrible emotions.

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yes, I have a pdoc, but he is a jackass. I see him every week; he decided that he wanted to "play" doctor, I don't know... He doesn't help at all. I leave sometimes feeling worse than when I went in. I feel like he does not listen to what I have to say. It is hard for me to express myself the the doc, so i try to drop hints for him to ask questions. If he asks a yes or no question, I will answer it, but I can't come all out and say some things. And these are details he already used to know about, like cutting for example.

I was lucky to even get a doctor because my parents are against a lot of this. they don't believe a lot of this shit. they don't even know half of the shit that I do or what goes on in my head. my dad, especially, is against meds, so if i leave this doc, chances are that i wont get another and will be without meds. my doc wont adjust my meds even though it is obvious that i am struggling... i just don't know.

I really hate it all. I hate myself and I hate myself for being alive.

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I put my whole self into people

And it hurts when you find out they can't or won't reciprocate.

Even though it hurts like hell to do it, the truth is the world is better off for having people like you in it.

I can
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We don't "deal" with you.

At least I don't. I care about you.

And I can't "tell" you how to feel, because you feel how you feel.

Just know that I care about you and have never felt you were anyone but someone who made me laugh alot and someone that I care about like I do my neice.

I don't think you should feel guilty about that, but that's just my opinion.

But I can't "tell" you how to feel. Because that would be wrong. Right?

That would be like me telling someone to not cry or the sun to not shine, right?

I'm sorry that I'm not good with the people stuff.

I just wanted to let you know I care.

I <3 me some Ophelia.

DAMMIT, OPHELIA! (hee hee) ;)

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Guest espressogrrl

I totally understand what you are saying.

I wanted to drop a quick note to remind you that anyone who says they have a million friends is a load of shit. As my good friend says,

"if you have one best friend - you are the luckiest person in the world.

if you have two best friends - you are the luckiest person in the century.

if you have three best friends - you are lying".

its the truth.... concentrate on one or two people, its all you really need.

And also, I am a huge fan of the timeout.... when i feel like i am going to rage. I have it completely down with my girlfriend. When I say I need a time out - it means I need one RIGHT NOW. Her obligation is to give it to me. My obligation is to also include in said time out an approximate time when it will be over. 10 minutes. 1 hour. whatever. so she wont feel abandoned. it helps.

and breaking things.

but damnit. you miss those coffee mugs later.

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'I feel like he does not listen to what I have to say. It is hard for me to express myself the the doc, so i try to drop hints for him to ask questions. If he asks a yes or no question, I will answer it, but I can't come all out and say some things. And these are details he already used to know about, like cutting for example.'

Have you been honest and told him that you don't feel listened to? It sucks but sometimes we have to be brutally honest with people and ask for what we need. You might feel like he is just playing doctor and not interested in helping, but that might not be the reality. I'm encouraged that to be a pdoc (aside from the really ass-ey ones) you generally have to have a desire to help people and make their lives better, because it's a sucky job. Maybe you're wasting time hinting around and keeping things to yourself when in reality you are in crisis, you do need meds changing, you might need a therapy referral and things do need to be done to help you. I'm not trying to bully you here, I take you 100% seriously when you say how hard you are trying. But I know from my own experience that I hurt myself when I don't ask for help, no matter how scary I think asking for help is. Could you not print your posts and take them to your pdoc asap to say how bad things are?

This is a treatable illness, you don't have to suffer this way. But sometimes you might need to step out into the unknown and scream for help.

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You are a really great person. I can tell by the way you interact with others here at this site. You deserve so much. I am a stranger, but I hope for the best for you and that you can find it in yourself to believe that you are just as important as the next person and nobody...I repeat nobody should have to live with the pain of thinking one deserves to die. You don't. You deserve happiness. I know that is not happening for you at the moment, but it is possible. Maybe not today, but perhaps tomorrow or the next day. I want for you to see a little bit of hope. I hope that you will not see that life is always bad, because it is not. My friend was adopted and she had no stability in her early years. She thinks like you do about herself and I think she is a great person. I'll admit that she is unstable, but so am I. I just want her to see how great she is, but she does not see it. If she were a little girl, and I could give her the chance to feel cared for, to prevent her from feeling the way she does now, I wish I had the chance. But it is so difficult to change as adults, to become the confident and happy person that we want to be. I'm totally miserable and I wish more people would like me, but I know that I am not a bad person, and I know that I deserve hapiness, and I badly want for you to know it too. Because it does hurt to read your words. It does hurt to know that beautiful people like yourself feel so unworthy. Can you look at a photo of yourself as a little girl and see that not one child deserves to suffer, Cause if you see yourself as a little girl who needs to be loved, then maybe you can see that every child deserves to grow up feeling safe. And then maybe it won't be as hard to see that every adult is entitled, then at some point, feel that way for yourself. xoxoxoxo

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Hey Ophelia,

How are you doing? I know you have had a lot of unfair attention lately, so I thought I'd give you some fair attention.

You are a great person Ophelia. You may not remember, but I can recall at least a few times that you offered me your support when I needed some, so I think it's only fair to offer some in return.

Please let us know how you are faring. I'd offer to give you a hug, but I don't do cyber hugs very well. How about a joke?

"Do you know how you can tell when a moth farts?"

"He flies in a straight line"

Okay, that was really lame, but I hope I got at least a smirk from you.

Take care,

Martin

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  • 3 months later...

ah

Ophelia

I saw this picture yesterday and spent oh so much time

trying to find you and share it

um my brain just couldn't remember your name

and I hope you don't mind I'm posting this on an older thread

yepremindsmeofyou.jpg

ok so confession time

I couldn't remember your name

just your photos and posts

I even looked up Portia

oh God now you might be really laughing

ok hope you are too busy to be here

in a good way

good vibes to you and all the help you give folks

doncha wish we could be as kind to ourselves some times???

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Ophelia-

I'm bipolar and sometimes i suspect bpd as well. but i've only felt the way you feel now when i've been in depression-

are you maybe depressed? or is this the ugly bpd rearing its head?

what i have to add is that you are NOT alone. we've all been through times when our so-called "friends" leave us, especially when they first hear of our MI or even first experience our symptoms, and we've all felt the urge to die, to just leave this world, not caring about ourselves and believing we have no future-

but remember-

suicide is a forever solution to a temporary problem. your problem doesn't have to be forever, even though it feels like it now. with the right treatment, you can go on with your life, with your disorder in remission.

people LOVE YOU. do you know that? no matter how big of a bitch you think you are, no matter what you do or say, people love you. at the end of his life my dad had big legal problems that were going to put him in the slammer for 10 years- these were big charges. i loved him no matter what, and supported him no matter what, and grieve no matter what. think of the absolute love and support your family gives you. maybe sometimes they are bad at showing it, we are all human, but they love you and would grieve for you no less than i grieve for my dad.

all i can advise is that you make your doc understand what you're going through. if you have to print this off and show him, do it. if you want to write a journal, do it. if you want to scream at him, well, you may get carted off to the loony bin, but it would feel good to scream at him! once i sceamed at my pdoc and then went to the hospital voluntarily, but it did feel good to scream at the bastard.

you know you need a med adjustment. i think that if you are adament enough and assertive enough and really push it, you can get your change. just waiting for him to read your mind isn't going to work. you need to be very upfront about just how you feel and the pain inside of you.

make a doc appointment today and get in there as soon as you can. do it for yourself. in the meantime, treat yourself well. try to exercise, at least stretch, and try to write or draw or do something to take your mind off of what you're feeling (and do NOT cut!).

you've already made a huge accomplishment in telling us how you feel. you've articulated it very well and we understand what you're saying and what you're going through. any doc with any compassion in his body will feel for you and attempt to help you to the best of his ablity.

i remember screaming at my pdoc. it WAS over a med change! he wanted to put me on a med i'm allergic to. he didn't believe me (or old hospital records) that i was allergic to the stuff (geodon) and so wanted to put me on it. NO NO NO- NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! i had to be super-assertive with that one.

do it assertively, but don't go to the loony bin unless you have to in order to save your life. remember, the ER is available if you feel like you're going to commit suicide and have a plan to do so. get thee to the ER and not the morgue. so many people love you and care about you, and you're a vital part of our commuity here. we all want you well too!

be safe- and loved-

loon

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