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I don't know what I am. The doctors don't know what I am. My family doctor has been treating me for insurance reasons (2 hours away from where I live)... they've just been guineapigging me.

I'm getting worse.

The insurance company won't call back. And my caseworker is on vacation for a month. The backup caseworker isn't available.

The Mental Health place in town has been the only helpful place I've found, but they're depending on the insurance company.

I was super-depressed when they put me on Zoloft.

That wasn't working - I couldn't go to class, and then I'd do a million things at once....

Then they tried Depakote because they think I'm possibly bipolar, after upping my Zoloft. I went nuts.

My thighs are cut with deep gashes to the knees...some are healing some aren't. I can't stop cutting. I had gone since December without cutting.

There's nothing going bad with my life. I just bought two new basses to play...they're super cool. I should be happy. I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm scared that everyone here is going to think that I'm making everything up, like one of my therapists did. (stopped seeing her)

I don't know what to do or where to go. My boyfriend has been super supportive and helps a lot during panic attacks and now realizes that even when I DO really want to see a little kids movie, I shouldn't go, because I'll go manic and hyperventilate from laughing, causing people to leave... He's so understanding. He holds me down when I want to cut. But can't do anything when he's at work.

I'm sorry if this is a waste of bandwidth and time for those reading it. I'm trying to keep from having another low. ...or get out of it. It's going lower, which isn't good.

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Go to the hospital now - just with the cutting you will be admitted. My dd wasn't diagnosed until she was hospitalized and while it wasn't me in there (and I cried all day, every day, she was there) it was, in retrospect, a God-send because that's when treatment really started.

Please go to the hospital. Things can and will get so much better - I promise.

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Please go to the hospital. Things can and will get so much better - I promise.

When's a good time to go? I mean, I have to work and stuff. How do I go to the hospital anyway? I mean, I know where it is and how to get there. Do I go to Emergency? Do I go to their clinic thing... they turned me away once saying that they can't treat me.

I'm not sure I want to go... I mean, I'm not bleeding anymore... I don't think I require stitches, well, maybe I should have them...

Does insurance cover things like that?

Man, I'm sounding like I'm six. Sorry.

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Hey Super! I think you need to go to he hospital. They can't turn you away if you tell all. I'm sure your life and sanity(or something that resembles whatever sanity is!). Go now. The cutting thing is very dangerous, especially if you are not sure if you need stitches. Tell them that you did that on purpose and if they turn you away, threaten a lawsuit! I don't know if this is any help, just wanted to say I care. mel1

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Go to the emegency room right away. tell them how you feel, tell them about the cutting relapse, the manic episodes that you can't controll. They will admit you and start you on a treatment plan. You are ot wasting bandwidth or time here, and you will not be wasting the hospital staff's time and resources either. They went into the medical profession because they care about people. People like you. Go get help now. We will be here when you get out. We care too.

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Welcome Superchar42!

This all sounds very familiar. You are not making this up, and it is not your fault.

You need to get help soon.

If you start cutting again, or start going to fast and buying things (mania/hypomania) then go to the ER.

You need to get a real psychiatrist, not a family doctor. A psychiatrist will probably recognize your symptoms in a few minutes.

Wednesday, get on the phone to your insurance company and arrange for a psychiatrist. Do not accept delays, you should be able to get an answer in one or two days.

Do they have a list of participating doctors? Do you need a preauth?

I can't recommend any med changes, but the Depakote should be helping you, things would be worse without it probably.

Hang in there. Things are going to get better, I promise. Kick the insurance guys in the ass for some service.

a.m.

One other thought. It may be possible to work the system backwards. Find a psychiatrist and see if they will work with the insurance company for an authorization. Thats what mine did.

good luck.

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My doctor told me to stop the Depakote and check in to a psych ward... I just don't think I'm that bad - I mean, right now, I can get to work, where if I'm late it's okay, because it's in home care. I can take my time with it, because the pay is fixed per shift.... I guess I'm trying to justify not going. I don't know what will happen if I do...

I'll call my HMO person back tomorrow, he at least returns the calls.

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Ok,

Thanks for coming across with this other info.

At least he gave you one good piece of advice, go check in to psych. Go do it!

Don't be afraid to go to the hospital. The purpose of going there is so that the pdocs can work very closely and quickly adjust your meds.

This is standard procedure, and many members here can tell you how they got meds sorted out in just a few days in the hospital, that they didn't achieve thru weeks at home.

The other thing that they will do is teach you a bit about the illness and how to cope with it.

You are NOT going to be locked up and lost. Most people stay for about a week.

When I first saw my pdoc she wanted me to do a partial hospitalization, which I fought. Later I regretted it, because I think I would have gotten better several months sooner.

Don't delay getting help. Hospital can be a quick way of getting things under control and start to bring all the agony down.

a.m.

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Saying "me too" / like some brain-dead AOLer -- Weird Al Yankovic, "It's all about the Pentiums"

I know this horse has been beaten to death, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE check into the ER stat. After that, find yourself a PDoc. Many hospitals do have referral services for this purpose. That's how I found my PDoc in Baltimore.

(Though the ER visit was for a neurological attack and not suicidality/SI, but at that time both I and the ER docs thought I was having either severe anxiety and/or a conversion reaction as I slipped into the big D, 2 weeks before.)

Since the hospital I visited the ER in (Johns Hopkins) had no outpatient psychiatry in their entire health system, they referred me to a hospital that did (and even checked with my insurance to make sure they'd be covered, as I was on an insurance policy run directly by JHU).

Again, I wish you the best, and hope you are able to utilize all the resources you can. CB is also another resource, so check back in frequently and feel free to ask questions or seek advice. Though that probably went without saying. =)

I will repeat myself now. Go to the ER NOW.

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It's ok to be scared. It is a natural reaction to be scared. You do seem to have everyone's support, though, including your father's.

Everyone just wants what is best for you; everyone just wants you safe and healthy. We all need help sometimes and there is no problem in going to get it. We are all here for you in whatever you do. Going to the hospital for help, though, seems like your best option. You will have the opportunity to get proper treatment and proper medication to make things a little easier to deal with.

Be well.

<3

Ophelia

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Hello!!

Your posts are NOT a waste of bandwidth, a waste of time and you don't sound like you are six at all. And I mean all of that. Reach out. I want you to reach out here. You deserve to be here and I would like you to post again to let me know how you are doing. We are all here to help.

superchar42, I think you should go to the hospital. It seems like it will be the safest and best place for you right now. They can provide you with all the help that you need. It will get better for you, honestly, it will. I am in England, but I would say go to the ER room and tell them what is wrong. It doesn't matter that you're not bleeding. Tell them how you feel. You have nothing to fear from them, trust me.

Lean on your boyfriend. It sounds like he is very understanding and supportive and he will be there for you, as will your father. Talk to them. Phone them up. Phone them up at 3am if you feel that you need to.

But, most of all, please put down the cutting tools. Phone work and tell them you can't make it. Your safety is the most important thing. Phone someone to help get you to the hospital. Go now.

Take care!!

P.S. Insurance companies..... ;)

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first off, you don't have to worry that we won't believe you or that you are a waste of bandwidth. we're all here because we've been in situations very simmilar to yours.

going to the hospital is really scary, but they are there to help.

like susan said, at they can help you find a psychiatrist and therapist on your plan.

the can figure out what your diagnosis is and get you on a good med routine so that you can be stable. stability is more important than missing a few days of work. it will make everything so much easier. and you don't necessarily have to stay inpatient. a lot of places have day plans where you come in a few days a week for counceling, med checks and group therapy.

listen to your doctor and your dad, please? go check into a hospital and let them help you. there are people here and out there who want to help you. let them, go get help.

i hope to hear from you again.

penny

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Okay, so tomorrow morning at around nine, my mom will be up here to take me to the hospital (I can talk easier to my dad but Mom relates to me better... haha) and my boyfriend will likely be coming with me (if he can)... he wants to be as supportive as possible. He's been making sure I put neosporin on my cuts every night because he doesn't want my legs to look like his arm.

So... okay. Thank you all for being so supportive. I never thought that there would be this kind of response! After I get to the internet again I'll give an update.

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I know you're scared, hon, but going is the right thing to do. You've got your family's support, your boyfriend's support, and you're going to be OK. If I didn't have kids to take care of, I wouldn't have wanted to leave when I went, either. It was very soothing and when you're in this much pain and distress and out of control, just having that peace and quiet and everything taken care of for you and people looking after you while you get the help you need is just unbelievable.

It's going to be all right. You are being very brave to do something so difficult.

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Guest Guest

After the Hospital check out the Meier Clincs

4625 Beckley Road

Suite 300

Battle Creek, MI 49015

(269) 979-8119

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Hello All,

I'm Superchar42's boyfriend--she told about this board, and how the responses from all of you gave her that last little push she needed to talk to her father about what's been going on. She asked me to keep all of you updated on what's going on with her via this thread.

But first of all: thank you. She's been a wreck lately, and given the severety of her cutting, she needs a hospital. I almost took her there myself on Monday, but I held off (and I'm not sure if I made the right decision).

But she asked me to provide updates, and so I'm starting now. She asked me to come over and stay the night tonight. She's scared and nervous about going to the hospital, but that's not what's provoked this post on my part. We decided to go to bed around midnight--it was foolish and careless of me to allow myself to sleep, though. I woke up about an hour and a half ago. She was lying awake next to me, and she told me that she had cut again, twice, both within the half-hour before I woke up. I took her razor from her on Monday, so I asked her what she cut herself with--she said she used a piece of broken glass (she said she had a stash of it). Needless to say, I am not going to sleep again tonight. She is lying next to me, and I am sitting up with my laptop in the hope that I can keep myself awake for at least the next five-and-a-half hours (that's when her mother will arrive to take her to the hospital).

I asked her to show me the cuts she made tonight, but she wouldn't; she said she didn't want me to see them until they stop bleeding. She has her legs covered with a blanket, and she's either sleeping (which is doubtful, given the way she's been tonight), or she's lying very still. I touched her shoulder once to check and accidentally startled her in the process, so I know she's okay (as okay as she can be right now). I'm very scared right now, both for her her and for myself (I'm afraid of falling asleep, mostly). I'm not sure if there's anything I can do right now but stay awake and wait for her mother to arrive.

I appreciate all of your responses to Superchar42. Thank you, and I will continue to add updates as things happen.

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