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Bad night. Very, very bad night.


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I know. Drinking + meds = Big Mistake. Last night, my friend and I went out for a little while. She tends to monitor me, because she knows my meds make me wacky when I drink. I had four drinks in 3 1/2 hours. Practically nothing. I forgot that I took my Zoloft later than usual and only ate a small bowl of pasta salad all day.

I got so drunk I blacked out, threw up outside the car, and somehow managed to dump the contents of my med container on the floor of the car. I totally fell apart inside, sobbing, head in my arms on the counter, and crashed into one of the worst mixed episodes of my life.

I ended up downstairs tearing my clothes off, grinding my teeth so loudly my friend could hear it upstairs, pulling my hair so hard I pulled chunks out, scratched my arms up bad, bit myself so you can see my teeth marks in the bruises, and slammed my head on the floor repeatedly all the while weeping uncontrollably. I don't remember getting in bed, but I woke up there.

Now my head fucking hurts everywhere, I can barely move my neck, my left arm looks like a wild animal clawed it and bit me, and my teeth ache. God, my head hurts.

I think I've had so much pent-up stress and anxiety and a million emotions that I've been avoiding that last night was inevitable. I've been battling with my self-image, self-doubt, worth, confidence, future, past, current and past relationships. All the while taking 16 credits, working, and dealing with a wonky sleep schedule.

Having bipolar really fucking sucks. Why anyone would want to have it is beyond comprehension.

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J Bella:

If you read what I wrote the first time, I want to say I think I went over the top. I just really worry about people drinking on psych meds. It's dangerous and not a good thing at all.

I said what I did because I care. Not because I'm a jerky tea-tottler.

Hope you feel better - and ease up on yourself.

Breeze

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Fuck. I'm sorry you had such a shitty night. My last incident involving meds and too much alcohol sucked, and it still has nothing on this. The optimist in me says "well, at least now you know one more thing not to do," but then my inner pessimist puts a bullet in her and makes that pretty little fluttering bluebird explode over the backyard in an explosion of viscera. (Is any of this helpful? Of course not. But hello.) Your body will heal. Put a heating pad on your neck, or fill a smal fabric bag or large sock with dry rice and microwave it. Loosening the tension in your neck might relieve a part of the headache. Which pain relievers are okay to take with your meds? Do you think there's a chance you've given yourself a serious head injury, rather than just bumps and bruises? I make a sucky counsellor, but if venting about what else you're dealing with might help you, I don't think anyone here will mind.

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I know. Drinking + meds = Big Mistake. Last night, my friend and I went out for a little while. She tends to monitor me, because she knows my meds make me wacky when I drink. I had four drinks in 3 1/2 hours. Practically nothing. I forgot that I took my Zoloft later than usual and only ate a small bowl of pasta salad all day.

4 drinks on Lamictal equals about 12 normal drinks, if not more.

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God, I hope I don't have a head injury. My hands are really shaky and I have to concentrate to think. My speech is really slow and I'm having problems keeping thoughts in my head.

I think I was trying to feel normal again. Trying to regain a piece of my old life. Just get the stress out.

Now I'm not stressed. I'm apathetic and aphasic. My bluebird is in pieces.

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Oh, Bella, I actually felt pain and got tears in my eyes when I read your post. Ouch. I am so sorry you went through that. You sure have my sympathy.

I know you don't need any more "don't drink and med" lecturing so I won't go there, but I do hope that you will see a doctor if your head doesn't clear up by morning. I mean a regular doctor. You don't even have to explain the gory details, just telling the doctor that you took a fall and hit your head and then explaining your symptoms...you can't be too careful about stuff like that.

I am going to give you one short little lecture. Watch those stress levels. I have to watch mine, too. We all do. It's part of the BP drill. Okay? We can't let it build up. Our tender brains just can't take it...they need down time and ways out of the crap we like to pile on... you know what I'm talking about.

Take extra special care of Bella this week.

Thinking of you,

~Cat

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Guest espressogrrl

Dearest Bella,

Sweetheart.... god I am so glad you got through that...

seriously, hows your head? I agree with everyone else, go check up with another doctor, a GP, something. I am not going to give you an alchie lecture, you did that for yourself...

what i am most worried about is what had been pent up and suddenly collided...in venitas veras, of course...and so i am wondering what the veritas is...what are you hiding from?

have you scheduled an emergency visit to your pdoc? I would just check in...see what else is lurking in corners penting itself up, before it explodes again...

xoxo

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What an appalling experience. No lectures from me, just seconding what the others said about keeping an eye on your physical injuries and trying to see your pdoc asap. I agree with you that it sounds as though this was inevitable, but I'm sorry it came out in such an explosion. Take care of yourself, okay?

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Bella, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I went through something similar (at work!) right before I was dx'd BP except for the head banging. I had too many people around me who were freaking out. (Well..not as bad as me!). About the head injury: Look at your pupils-are they both the same size? Do you feel nauseated? If yes to either-go to ER-you may have a concussion. I can't even count how many times I have wanted to bang my head against the wall really hard over and over again(fortunately, I am a great big baby when it comes to pain and blood) .I agree that you need to talk to pdoc and why not see a reg doc just to be on the safe side- maybe he can give you some painkillers. I take ultracet(acetamenifen+tramadol) and the only rx w/ my meds is it supposedly might increase the sedative effect. Keep us posted. mel1

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My friend. My "ship passing in the night" CB and Myspace friend. I am so sorry to hear that you had a bad (understatement) night. Good news? You survived. Bruised and battered perhaps, but you are here. Do you have a Tdoc or someone professional and neutral who you can talk to about your underlying problems? Hopefully you do and you can rant and expel some of the crap inside of you, so it doesn't all spurt out again in the form of self-violence. Or let it out in the form of a written rant and give it to your doc so he/she can know what is going on. Just get it out.

Please consider not drinking. Before I stopped, I had no clue what it was really doing to me. Now if I have even 1 drink I can tell that my stability is shot to hell. It took me going to an OP MICA group 3x's a week. and eventually an IP stay, to actually realize what was going on. I am not a proponent of AA or other meetings, but the basic beliefs are sound and are worth listening to. At the very least, it is good having someone remind you often that MI and drinking or drugs is a recipe for disaster and a slower form of suicide. Counterproductive, although seemingly helpful in the short term.

Take care of yourself. You can rant at me if you would like.

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Rant rant rant. Counterproductive, yes. Two day hangover. Oh my god. I was the walking dead today. The guy at the gas station asked me what was wrong and I said I was hungover. "Wild 4th of July, huh?" "No, from Monday." "Isn't it Wednesday?" "Yeah."

My hair hurts. I feel like my skin is detaching from my muscle. Just touching it hurts. My eyelids hurt. I am a human bruise. But my head is clearer and the scratches look better. My pdoc is booked until my next appointment as is my tdoc.

On the brighter side, I have my research survey done and am looking for volunteers to fill them out.

*wink wink*

Ow.

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Oh, dear Bella, what a nightmare for you, but what a good friend you have. I have recently come up with a theeory that when we have day/nights like this--totally out of control, doing all the "wrong" things" its like our brain saying--OK, gotta blow, gotta destress, I don't care what it takes, I'm cleaning house.

We all "know better" but something like this happens, on occassion to all of us, and please don't beat yourself up and feel worse. Think of it as a physical and psychic cleansing, get back on the horse, and make those appts. Shit happens--and usualy for a very good reason.

So glad you could come here and vent--how much worse would it have been to be truly alone when your brain decided to clean house?

Love, china, who has pawned her shit and lost her rings--I've done all the bad things. And still troop on--

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I got so drunk I blacked out

Wow. I've never been able to keep that much in my stomach!

To paraphrase Chinacat: "That, my friends, is why they call it 'an attitude adjustment'"

Next time, let the doctors do the adjusting - they enjoy it more the day after!

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I got so drunk I blacked out

Wow. I've never been able to keep that much in my stomach!

Me neither. I threw up on my driveway. ;)

I did need to totally explode. Granted, it should have been in a slightly less self-injurous way, but when you fake "doing well" for long enough, its bound to happen. My appointments are both for next week, so they should be interesting. The thought of more alcohol makes me want to hide in my bed with a cattle prod ready to attack anyone who dares bring booze near me.

Ow.

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