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i thought i was doing good


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ok. so i haven't been around much lately. i thought everything was good. meds were sorted, life was moving on. i had a job, stuff at home was ok. started to go manic and caught it before it got bad.

on the bullshit 1 to 10 scale of depression, i was at 1. 0 even. i was not depressed.

then there was this creeping unhappiness. i wasn't happy with my life - any part of it. i chalked it up to a midlife crisis before my 27th birthday. i often get mopey at the end of june straight through to my birthday.

then last night i kinda cracked.

i was accepted at a conference in manchester this september. last night i figured out how much it would cost - way beyond our means. i went to bed at 9:30 and just sat there thinking about how unhappy i am. how disappointed i am in my life.

and for the first time in a long time, suicide seemed like a viable option. it would just solve everything, it seemed.

i had an argument with the hubby and said something that i guess i said a few years back when i had my really bad manic episode.

it all started to click. for the past two months i kept assuring myself this was not the bipolar. it could not be the bipolar. that was under control, dammit. but.... it wasn't.

i was missing work. i was spending hours of the day just sitting in a chair staring off into nothing. i was shutting down.

luckily, today is my scheduled appointment. the first in a month (i was put to once a month since i was doing so well). last night i was ready to go to the hospital.

this morning i'm just exhausted. letting go last night made my body feel like i'd run a marathon or something. it was the horrible physical strain that only really comes from something like bipolar.

i have an hour before my appointment and i'm sitting here trying to figure out what i'm going to say.

i hate this fucking disease thing that's eating my brain.

jen

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I can't offer much advice here. All I can say is that I definitely know how it feels, and that I have both empathy and sympathy for you.

Often, meds "poop-out" on you (it's discussed here frequently), and that could be why you've gone back down into the dumps again.

Best of luck with your PDoc appointment tomorrow. This almost goes without saying, but you do need to bring up the fact that you're slipping into the big D again, and bigtime. If your functioning is reduced or nonexistent, something is Very Wrong.

I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that you both will find a way to get you out of the dumps, if at least enough to function on a daily basis.

Again, best of luck.

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I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough recently. How long had you been stable before? I ask because it's important to look at the course of the illness in sum. This is not at all to minimize what you've been through this week, there's no two ways about the total soul-drainingness of a manic episode. But, have the cycles gotten shorter or smaller in amplitude?

I ask because if you're mostly doing better (as your post seems to indicate) you and your pdoc would then probably want to talk about quick strategies for short-term break-through mania. E.g. up your Risperdal, add Klonopin, etc. Maybe by catching them quickly you can avoid their long-term destabilizing effects.

I wonder also whether there's a seaonsal aspect to what't going on. I don't know if you have a SAD component, but the summer solstice did just pass. Especially in VT that means an overabundance of sunlight, which might be behind your mania. Maybe you'll have to up the anti-manics around this time of year. Or try dark therapy or something.

Just tossing some ideas out there. Best of luck, and I really feel for you.

cache-monkey

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my pdoc is wonderful. we're keeping meds where they're at and figure this was a bit of breakthrough depression, but not bad enough to make a change.

he then told me i needed to grow a pair and quit fucking around and actually put myself through the torture of working towards my goals.

my favorite line today: "you're jealous of your husband because he has balls, and i don't mean that in a freud-penis-envy kind of way."

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All this stuff that you describe were a prelude for me to my last hospitalization. They decided it was BP1 depression, but they were wrong in my opinion. To me, it felt like one of the hundreds of mixed episodes I've experienced.

They are sneaky and terrible. They hit hard and do n't let go easily. The only resolution is to find ways to calm yourself down, even if that means hospitalization, and know that it will be over. go to your tdoc in an emergency if it is possible. In my case it wasn't, so off to the ER.

Never blow off your feelings when you're so bad you feel suicidal. My dad killed himself and I can barely survive some days, because I miss him and want to be with him so much. DO you have any idea how you are loved and would be missed, and would totally kill the people who love you?

You don't need me to tell you that.

It is encouraging just to be with others, trying not to pick fights and just rationally writing out your issues. Journal, take a walk to clear your head, and talk to your pdoc about how this episode broke through your meds. You may need a med change. I know i have this often enough!

Loon

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While you have been misrable for a while, what happened is rather positive.

You were able to recognize the signs of what was happening. Rather than spinning helplessly out of control, you have the power of understanding and able to take action.

While your doc didn't change anything, don't hesitate to call him if you do get worse.

a.m.

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Well, I only see one problem. The fact that you had a mid-life crisis at 27. ;) You are just a kid. And you have accomplished a lot already.

I think essentially that AM is right. There were good things that came out of this. And you'll survive again. You have probably "bigger ones" than your husband. :)

Breeze

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Guest espressogrrl

WOW

You sound like you REALLY have a handle on knowing when it is coming and seeing when it is here. If there is still time before the majority of the downswing hits, I suggest my little list of "things to prepare before the ugly black cloud comes by and rains for WEEKS"

1. Call friends. Tell 'em it's coming. Ask them to drag you out once in a while, but make sure its not over populated and full of anxious situations

2. Call mom. Tell her not to but me for a while and she has to wait a month before she does her critical shit. one month. then she can unload. but for the next few weeks - back off and be nothing but bunnies and sunshine.

3. start delegating major tasks at work on to other people. Or, try to take on a super huge project that takes 2 months, so i can slide through icky month and go into super drive in month 2.

4. eliminate all alcohol from house.

5. fill house with chocolate.

anyway, thats mine. what's your prepare list?

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