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This is really getting me down at the moment....

You know I've moved to the libraries stock support section at work by HR to accommodate my mental health issues?

Well, after an initial anxiety filled first few days or so, I settled in quite well, and it really is suiting me...

Except that now...the work is slowing down and there's hardly any....yesterday I was in the outreach dept for some of the day and then was deleting a whole load of cards from the library upstairs...I keep having to ask for more work as I'm finishing the small tasks I am given really quickly.

The other day my manager reminded me to tell her any leave I wanted...and I gave her a few hours...but, as I'm feeling fairly strong just now (not necc stable, but not overly fragile...) I don't want to take a whole lot of leave now, I want to save it for those times when I need it desperately.

My other self is triggered by this...feeling that she's no longer wanted or needed....and that hurts her...

I feel I can't bring up the issue with my managers, as that would be giving into the feelings of the unwell part of me...but, what's the alternative? Stoically sticking with itty bitty tasks and not feeling valued or needed, and stuffing all the feelings inside until they burst out in therapy sessions...bearing in mind that my therapist is away all of August...

I feel so that I'm scared to go into work, fearing I won't have enough to do, that I'm a burden and not needed...this is so so what I don't need right now.....my self esteem mustn't crumble any further....but I have to have self esteem that is not dependent upon work, right?

;) *sigh*

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It sounds like your workplace is very kind and accomodating. Very unlike the US, as far as I can tell. So, treasure that.

And, regarding your question, why not just speak to the manager and say that you're feeling that you can handle a bigger project right now if she has any available? Keep it simple.

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No job is gonna be perfect. Remember that it was your decision to change job duties so your decreas in workload is in no way reflective of how worthy you are. I believe you need to get adjusted with the workflow and enjoy the free time. Perhaps do some crossword puzzles or meditate on your downtime.

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I admit that I'm not sure if your dissociation is a total mental split, like an alter, or a part of your personality that comes out sometimes, but isn't an alter.

I'd need to know that before thinking about what you should do.

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Guest Guest

You'll have to be the judge of whether the following is appropriate, or something you can do. These ideas are predicated on the idea that you'r feeling strong.

I don't know if the US and UK are far apart culturally on this, but here in the USA, I'd say you have a chance to (ugh!) look more entrepreneurial. I'll bet that by now you could write down 17 things that are really screwed up at work. Try to find the least controversial one, favoring something which will make life easier for your manager, and propose a solution to be carried out by you. Take your time and figure it out. Don't push this, just present it mildly, probably only once. Be prepared with many of the details in advance in case she has questions, but leave most of them out of your initial suggestion. Remember that, above keeping busy, your top priority is not to threaten or annoy your manager. You want her to feel that you are going to make her life easier. Make sure you aren't proposing to mess with anything she thinks of as her exclusive territory. But remember that if you do this right, it's like you need less of her time to supervise, because you can see what needs to be done. If she proposes something else instead, go along with anything reasonable, because it's still accomplishing your goal.

I'm guessing that much of your library's work is related to education, which slows down markedly in the summer. Obviously, this is a temporary condition. My guess is you'll be needed in September as much as ever. No one thinks a fire fighter isn't needed just because a day goes by without a fire.

If it turns out you have to burn up some leave, it might be time to plan some kind of vacation trip. (Is that holiday in the UK?) Or, if there's no money and no free place (friends, relatives you like) to stay in another town, maybe a series of day trips on the tube, on foot, or on a bike. I'm sure there's lots of interesting places near London, though of course I don't know your tastes. Plus of course, there's something very nice about trees, grass, etc.

I'm hoping you'll feel better soon, one way or another.

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thank you....

well, I was at work all day today...I had to push myself to get there. I was feeling really scared and anxious...

its so hard because of the feelings stirred up....as I mentioned...

Loon, I wish I could answer your question...can you explain which answer you'd give for both and I can feel which resonates for me?

Sensation...it was and wasn't my choice...it was proposed by HR and I agreed.....

I didn't agree at all to a decrease in workload....simply rather a decrease in stress levels by not needing to interact with the public. I am just as able to work....so long as I have physical and emotional space.

Guest, lots of great ideas, thank you....I can ponder on this over the weekend (I'm not back there until Monday afternoon..)

Yes, vacation = holiday in the UK.

I can't afford one financially. Plus my PTSD symptoms are too much to handle with anywhere new on top. But it can be a thought....

(I have never ever had a proper holiday....first I was away with my parents...and no way is that a holiday...then I went on yoga teacher training and that was very tough emotionally....)

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I hope sometime you CAN work out a holiday that you can handle. For me, it's wonderful to get away from the usual stresses and just forget about them. Add a bit of outdoors, quiet, and exertion and I start sleeping better too. Haven't really had much in the way of holidays lately, for budgetary reasons, tho weekends at s.o.'s feel that way. My bike rides feel like miniature vacations, sometimes.

Holidays don't have to be measured in money.

I understand that England is much more reasonable about letting people walk around in the country, even on private property. Is walking around away from the city appealing to you?

I once took a two day bike trip, carrying a plastic tarp for a tent and a lousy sleeping bag. Was fun and the price was right. However, camping in some random spot by the side of the road would make even me anxious now, I suppose. Maybe not after 100 miles on the road.

Another holiday was at a hiking camp, during the week when the rate was cheap. I slept in a bunk room but since it was during the week didn't have to share it. Considering that it came with food, it really didn't cost all THAT much more than normal life, with the weekday discount. The people were very nice. But again, that was the USA, and a few years back.

How do you feel about museums? Are there a bunch of free ones in London? (Here in the US people are less and less public minded and the museums are beginning to charge much too much. But some are still cheap or free.)

My ex was an expert on moderately inexpensive holidays. Some even in London. But I'm afraid we are not on very good terms at the moment.

I'll admit I really don't have a good handle on PTSD and how it applies to this sort of activity, tho my s.o. seems to have a touch of it and she goes on musical outings that would positively wear me out. On the other hand, I have to be pretty careful horsing around with her if I don't want to freak her out.

If I'm being way too positive and sunshiny, I apologize.

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