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PROBABLY TRIGGERING ;)

I'm not sure which of the groups to put this in, but since the anxiety and depression come from the cutting (or lack thereof in this case) I'll start here.

I've made it about 8 days without cutting. came close once, no blood, no foul? right? I stopped and went out rollerblading. It worked well enough to distract me. Anyway.

I threw away all but one of my razor blades today. Somehow I cannot yet get rid of the last one. I had at least one in every room and one in the car. I, for some reason, cannot get rid of this last one. Silly of me I know. It's a start, right?

My normally well maintained demeanor is shot to hell. I can see how depressed I am--sleeping all of the time, and even when close friends ask me to do something, I hear myself making excuses to avoid them. I got drug out of the house on the 4th, had a great time, but then went back into hibernation. Doc said that I can up my paxil, if I need to, so I have, up to 20mg/day. I know it is still a low dose, but there are some interesting warnings about taking paxil and causing kidney problems. I was very social, almost a social butterfly while I was cutting.

I cannot talk to the docs about the depression or the cutting because I do not want to screw up my eligability for a kidney transplant should this "borrowed" kidney fail. Dialysis is a lousy way to live and I really do not want to be stuck on it any longer than I have to. I've been there twice, don't want to do three times.

The longer I wait to cut, the worse off I feel and the more I neglect my friends, the sooner one of them will contact my docs about my isolation. No, I'm not ready for that to happen.

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I've made it about 8 days without cutting. came close once, no blood, no foul? right? I stopped and went out rollerblading. It worked well enough to distract me. Anyway.

I threw away all but one of my razor blades today. Somehow I cannot yet get rid of the last one. I had at least one in every room and one in the car. I, for some reason, cannot get rid of this last one. Silly of me I know. It's a start, right?

congrats on the eight days without cutting; you should be proud of yourself. Distractions sometimes help very well for a lot of people. try to think up more things that you can possibly do if/when the urge strikes. rollerblading sounds like it was fun.

I can never throw all my blades out. Honestly, though, it is healthier to just get rid of that last razor blade. Having it is very temping sometimes when the mood arises. From a safe standpoint, that would be the thing to do; in reality that should be what you do. not having access to blades will make it harder for you to get the means with which to cut yourself. I'm just thinking of your safety... Great job with getting rid of all of the others, though. That took a lot...

I cannot talk to the docs about the depression or the cutting because I do not want to screw up my eligability for a kidney transplant should this "borrowed" kidney fail. Dialysis is a lousy way to live and I really do not want to be stuck on it any longer than I have to. I've been there twice, don't want to do three times.

The longer I wait to cut, the worse off I feel and the more I neglect my friends, the sooner one of them will contact my docs about my isolation. No, I'm not ready for that to happen.

Of course you feel worse without your coping mechanism. This is all about finding healthier coping mechanisms.

are you sure that talking to your docs about how you feel will have anything to do with your eligability for a kidney transplant (if it is needed)?

hang in there, hun. keep writing;let it out

~Ophelia~

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Thanks, 8 days, it does not feel like an accomplishment, I know it is. I just have to convince myself of that. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I see that I've always been self destructive. I've just escalated what I do and how often I do it. It is a start to figure that much out.

I keep finding blades in interesting little out of the way places, one was sitting inside a lamp shade, another on a picture frame. I wonder where else I'll find them? Why are they hidden? I live alone, except for the cat that allows me to co-habitate with her.

New coping methods, right. Point taken. I guess the trees got in the way of my view of the woods, or something like that.

As far as talking to the docs, I had some issues over seeing pdocs when I was on dialysis, I talk about that in my introduction (what to say). I find it very hard to talk about this to anyone, even my closest friends. They do know, but it was hell telling them.

I am trying to find out what the ramifications of talking with the docs could be, without letting the docs in on things. I guess I am worried about what could and would happen not only to the potential transplant eligability, but also other ramifications of a diagnosis in my med folder. THis I know is me being silly and paranoid. But that''s where I'm at, at the moment.

I'm also not ready to talk to them about it. I've got to get a little bit of a handle on things myself, or just totally lose it. I still believe that I'm able to control my SI and depression right now. Maybe not, but I still have to try it my way. OK I'm rambling now.

Thanks Ophelia, you've been a big help.

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One of my closest friends truned on me yesterday. I hardly talk about cutting to my friends, even the absolute few that I know that they know. They are supportive, and they are trying to understand, but there is still a big problem with acceptance of what I do.

Yesterday I was telling one about how far I made it without cutting. She said "i thought you stopped? Why did you start again? If you'd just stop thinking about it, then there would not be a problem. Then she proceeded to tell me all about what was wrong with her aand how bad her life was.

I've tried not to burden my friends with my poor coping skills, I only talk about it when I'm in crisis or if something good happens. Otherwise I'll let them bring it up, if they want to. Yes she has always been more than a little self involved, but up till now, she had been supportive. SHe even seems to take delight insome of the current problems I'm dealing with. Including a "stalker chick" who I am not interested in, who will not take "no, go away" for an answer.

I want to say something to my friend, but what? and how? This is killing me, I'm so anxious about seeing either one that I jump when the phone rings, I hide invisible on messenger and avoid several places where either one of them might be.

no new cuts, yet. no hitting, biting scratching or anything, but my distractions are losing affect.

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