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I'm sorry my love...

I can feel me turning back into my old self, and I don't like it. I wish I knew why my brain is so screwed up. I sobered up easy this last time (no rehab - can't afford it anyway), then before I completely realize it, I give in to my old triggers...

When I come out of it, I feel worthless and willing to die. It's almost like I black out, or someone else is in control of me. And we're not talking about drinking huge amounts either - 1 or 2 Redhook's and *poof*.

Why do I keep going back?

The only explanation that makes any sense is that I really do have a death wish.

God damnit this hurts to write, but I need to face this now, or my next binge may be the one that sends me under: I MUST STOP. NOW!

But how am I going to do it?

More importantly, who can help?

I'm not sure I'm going to make it...and I'm afraid to have to keep leaning on you. And what about our kids? What happens when/if they really need their dad? And I'm no good?

I'm so so sorry my love. 15 years. And you've never even flinched.

But how much longer? If I were you, I would have been long gone by now. The drinking, the careless spending, the lies...

FUCK.

Please brain...look at these words -- NO FUCKING MORE!!! KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF!!!

How many more chances will I get? What happens when she leaves? For good? What about the babies?

I simply can't keep doing this.

Please, you have to make it stop.

Please...

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Doing a little better today...

I managed to not drink yesterday, and the kids and I are working on our ongoing back yard returfing project. We are probably going to head down to Lake Washington later today and get some swimming in. Anything that doesn't involve booze...

Thanks for your kind words folks.

~M

edited for grammar

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