Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

recurring thoughts = still in love?


Recommended Posts

Yeah, shoot me now. I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but whatever. See this thread and this thread for info from last year about the relationship of which I speak.

My ex and I broke up in August and haven't spoken since November, when he was a dick to me as I was suicidal and was in the hospital 2 days later. I think about him just about daily and usually have the urge to call him a few times a week. I am admittedly lonely and longing for close companionship, but the reasons I should not be with this guy are maaaaaaaany. I won't go into it because it would take all day, but he is just not a person I can be in a relationship with. And I can't do the friendship thing, it messes with my head.

My question is, since I can't stop thinking about him do you think it is my mind telling me to give it another shot? That my feelings are obviously not going to go away?

Someone get this prick out of my head!!! It is getting ridiculous!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I still think about people I had crushes on in high school. There is one person from a few years ago that still haunts me. I guess they never really go away, it just gets easier with time. Just try to think about how shittyly he treated you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, shoot me now. I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but whatever. See this thread and this thread for info from last year about the relationship of which I speak.

My ex and I broke up in August and haven't spoken since November, when he was a dick to me as I was suicidal and was in the hospital 2 days later. I think about him just about daily and usually have the urge to call him a few times a week. I am admittedly lonely and longing for close companionship, but the reasons I should not be with this guy are maaaaaaaany. I won't go into it because it would take all day, but he is just not a person I can be in a relationship with. And I can't do the friendship thing, it messes with my head.

My question is, since I can't stop thinking about him do you think it is my mind telling me to give it another shot? That my feelings are obviously not going to go away?

Someone get this prick out of my head!!! It is getting ridiculous!!

Seriously, what synthetic said - whenever you think of him, allow yourself to recall the maaaaany reasons you shouldn't be with him, instead of indulging yourself in the fantasty of him relieving your loneliness.

Do you do any art, music, creative stuff? As a songwriter, I've written tons of songs to purge particularly stubborn memories of exes from my head. I suggest making art about it, if you're an artist, or planting a tree to commemorate his exiting your life, if you're a gardener. Bake an independance cake, etc. Do whatever you're good at. This way, you spend your energy nurturing yourself and your talents, while affirming that this dude who is not good for you is now part of your past.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My question is, since I can't stop thinking about him do you think it is my mind telling me to give it another shot? That my feelings are obviously not going to go away?
Feelings are just feelings and but one source of "where we're at" and one small, lame indicator as to what we should do in any given situation. Feelings are an especially lame indicator when matters of the heart are in question. Using a realiable thought process when it comes to love and who to/who not to is going to spare you a boatload of pain.

My ex and I broke up (from living together) for the umpteenth and final time 17 mos. ago. I spent a disasterous weekend with him last fall, way against my better judgment, but like you that I wa still thinking about him so much it had to mean something....bollocks! It meant I'm a stupid, over-emotional, glutton for punishment is what it meant.

Since then no contact, but I still think about him obsessively. It's crazy! Uh yeah. Here I AM.

This is the same guy you almost ran over with your car and wished it could have been that dreamy accident???

Don't listen to your feelings, they don't know what the fuck is going on much less what's right for you.

My 2 cents worth.

S9

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wish I had something useful to say, but all I can do is commiserate. It's been three years since I broke up with the guy that was all wrong for me but who I loved tremendously. I still think about him all the time.

I just saw him this week for the first time in over a year (he's been in Iraq) and I'm realizing that when he's not around, the relationship takes on these mythical proportions. I basically only remember the relationship through rose-colored glasses. I wish I could remember how things really are/were when he's not around.

*sigh*

But to try and answer your question(s)... yes, I think that you still think about him is a sign you still love him. But it doesn't necessarily mean you should give it another shot. Sadly, it takes more than just love to make a relationship work.

Hang in there... I know how much it sucks.

~Sunshine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest espressogrrl

yes, I think that you still think about him is a sign you still love him. But it doesn't necessarily mean you should give it another shot.

for me, who ever i am thinking about, is usually the last person I loved the most. i think it means that that was the last person you loved THAT much, you are wondering if you will ever love again THAT much, and so you are not thinking about the shitty stuph THAT much.

listen to me. got a secret for you. but first you have to pinkyswear (not you panickypinky!!) you will believe me. ready?

Still pinky swear?

that is not the last person you are ever going to love.

I promise.

;)

furthermore - love yourself and most of all, LOVE your LIFE. when you do - the next person who loves you will find you irresistable. its the secret!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So far it sounds like all the members posting their own experiences in this thread have been women (correct me if I'm wrong). Just wanted to let you know this does happen to guys too. What makes my story even more pathetic is that I've never even been in a romantic relationship with this woman. She's an exotic dancer. Fell madly in love with her maybe 12 years ago. Told her I had feelings for her but she only liked me as a friend, and wasn't looking for a relationship anyway because a 5 year abusive relationship had made her sour on men.

The last time I saw her, she told me she had found someone, who turned out to be the DJ at the club. Then about a year later the club shut down. Didn't see her again and thought I was over her, even though I would sometimes have fantasies of "impressing" her. Becoming rich & famous and her being so impressed with me. When it comes to her (or any female I've felt this way about), I've always been like a little kid wanting to impress that girl in his class who he has a crush on. All I've ever wanted to do was impress her.

Still, thought I was pretty much over her until sometime early this year/late last year, when I had been particularly feeling like shit to begin with and I had a dream about her 4 nights in a row. Don't remember any of the dreams, just remember they had something to do with her. That got her back on my mind big time. You don't know obsessive thoughts. When it snowed, it reminded me of the one time we went out (only as friends) rollerskating it was snowing that night. I have a tickling fetish and used to pay to tickle her at the club. Any time I saw tickle-porn (yes there is tickle-porn), it reminded me of her. When I would see a little girl on tv it would remind me of how she was severely beaten by her mom as a kid, and how for all her pain and as strong and independent as she was, she still had this little girl innocence to her, and this sweet innocent face. EVERYTHING reminded me of her. It was insane.

I couldn't hold a job because I either cried or felt like crying all day. Then I guess I got a big boost from my pdoc increasing my Wellbutrin or Lexapro or both, and I felt great. Like whatever happened I could handle it. I didn't feel helpless. I could discipline myself to do things I didn't feel like doing. I wanted to challenge myself, wanted to experience new things. All of this is SO unlike me its ridiculous. But as good as I felt, I still wanted Jennifer. I was going to use this newfound confidence to make myself rich & successful, find this woman and win her heart.

Needless to say the confidence didn't last. My tdoc says don't expect it to, its just a momentary boost and I need to learn "coping skills", which sounds so drab and boring and mundane compared to just walking around feeling like a winner. When my confidence started to wane, I started thinking "well that dancer was really a handful sometimes. She could be very unpleasant to be around. Severely depressed and could really bitch you out to death when you pissed her off. Maybe I'd just be better off with some upbeat, happy, funny chick who would be a lot easier to get along with." Being with this woman wasn't such an obsession anymore. It wasn't important to me anymore.

But I wanted it to be. I WANTED to have that burning desire for her again because "God, it would be so cool to be able to say that I got her." It would be so cool to be able to say I took this depressed-as-fuck, angry, unhappy woman, and I was the big rich successful Alpha-Male type who had the money and resources and cool under pressure and in a short time, bada-bing, all her problems were solved and she was a happy girl again. It was like a fairy tale, so romantic. So even when I didn't really want her anymore, I WISHED I COULD want her again! How sick is that??

Well, about a month ago I found her. Working in another club. She'd always been sad, but nothing like this. She looked like she was constantly fighting not to cry. I've always loved how strong-willed she is. She seemed bitter, angry, beaten down by life so bad that she wasn't getting up again. And she still wasn't interested in me romantically. And I wasn't big rich successful Alpha-Male guy who could go bada-bing and her problems were taken care of.

But here's the thing: that's the kind of guy I've always wanted to be, long before I met this woman. It's just that she motivates me to actually want to do something about it, when nothing else could. The thought of being able to "rescue" her, and bada-bing solve all her problems, and make her a happy girl again and be able to say "I did that! No one else, I did that." That motivates me. Except that in the meantime, I get depressed because I'm NOT that kind of guy right now, and the kind of guy I am now (in my eyes) isn't good enough. The kind of guy I am now (in my eyes) is a weak pathetic loser because he can't give this woman the life she wants. If I could stop focusing on how I don't like myself now, and focus on the kind of guy I want to be, it wouldn't be so bad.

Maybe I'm thinking of it too much as "changing" instead of "improving" myself. I'd still be me, just a different version of me. The me I always knew I could be. The me that I always knew was inside of me. This one tdoc I talked to when my regular tdoc was busy handling a crisis situation said its not unhealthy to use gaining the love of a woman to motivate me to improve myself, that we need to use whatever we can to improve ourselves. He said after I improve myself, she may still not want me. Or I may find I don't want her anymore because I see the world through new eyes. But no matter what happens, in the end I still improved myself.

But its getting to be really depressing, feeling not good enough and that I never will be good enough until I'm the kind of guy that I think this woman would find sexy, fun, exciting, irresistable. THEN I'll be somebody. Its really getting depressing thinking like that. I wish I could just want to improve myself for me, just because I've felt briefly what its like to feel like a winner, and its a hell of a lot more fun than feeling the way I have most of my life.

Sorry about hijacking the thread. I started out just wanting to let the ladies here know that this happens to guys too. Really, thats all I wanted to do. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is the same guy you almost ran over with your car and wished it could have been that dreamy accident???
Damn you and your memory. Yes, this is the guy. Love and hate are closely linked, non? I think I may hate him because I love(d) him and he didn't love me back in a way that was love to me. (buzz buzz - huh?)

that is not the last person you are ever going to love.

This I know. However, I am ready to have something else occupy my delusions for a bit. Perhaps someone worthy this time. (Damn - if he is stalking me here by reading my threads [my own narcissistic paranoia] then he is alllll confused. I love him - I hate him - I want to kill him - I still dream of getting back together with him....)

furthermore - love yourself and most of all, LOVE your LIFE. when you do - the next person who loves you will find you irresistable. its the secret!
Part of me wants to say "gag me" as a reaction to this. This is probably because I know that I need to find what I love before someone can love me, but finding what I love is HARD AS FUCK. I love many things. And my intense love usually changes month to month if not day to day. And the last time I thought I was following my passion I fell on my face and didn't recover well. Damn.

I am currently almost resigned to doing what "makes sense" as opposed to doing what I love. At least for now. Until I get enough money and have a career "out" and can go back to school. Nobody understands that reference... I'll explain... (FEEL FREE TO SKIP TO *** IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ GWEN VOCATIONAL WOES)

(Veering sharply OT)

I work for my dad. I've worked for my dad before, as a way to make $ to put myself through College, never thinking I would stay. Finished college. Moved to Seattle. Fell on face. Came back. Fell on face more. With more damage this time.

Started working for dad again for health Ins and because I could work pt and go to outpatient PT and he would pay me for FT. Dad is looking to retire in the next decade or two (he's 62) and has no clue what he is going to do with his business. He can't sell it because he still owes a crapload of money from when he had to buy out his partner because said partner lost his mind.

Dad's dream is to have one of his kids take over business. I am youngest and only one left who has no clue what to do w/ life. I have an aching need for acceptance from my father. So - I decide to work FT and go into more of an active role of learning to run the company.

I have dreams of going to grad school for any one of the zillion topics that interest me. REALLY big dreams of getting doctorate. I am scared shitless of my future including me working for said company, taking over said company, and living and dying in the shithole part of Jersey at a company I didn't even wnat to work for doing a job I don't want to do. But I am going to do this for awhile and pray to the Powers that Be to not let this happen.

Until I can leave this job, I need to do side things that interest me. When I work off some of the debt accrued from manic spending and falling on face, I will take classes. Who knows in what. What I should be doing now is volunteering for a cause that I really want to get into. I am lazy. And motivation more than wanes. Meds have just started to actually make me feel human (hurrah!) so maybe this will happen after sis gets married in 2 weeks? Who knows.

*** Should I mention something relationship-y so this thread is still topical? I like my usage of topical there.

Did you ever get closure from this guy the first time?
Not really. We were talking and I was crashing, and I made a last ditched effort for help by calling him and he was a dick and I hung up with him and went into hospital 2 days later. He called for my B-day 2 months later and left a VM which I didn't return. How does one get closure?

I'd say hitting him with my car would have been closure, but alas, the situation hasn't presented itself of late. Would calling him and bitching him out and telling him I went to loony bin bring closure? Probably not. Closure would probably be writing him off as one of the unworthy and forgetting it. My brain won't let me do that. Annnnnnnnnd we return to the original problem!!

(Buzz buzz - huh?)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Closure would probably be writing him off as one of the unworthy and forgetting it. My brain won't let me do that. Annnnnnnnnd we return to the original problem!!

(Buzz buzz - huh?)

Let me know if you ever figure out how to get your brain to do what you want it to. Mine is equally difficult to control.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Love huh?

PSmith you need to be more selfish in a way that you haven't thought of as as being bad selfish before. You feel guilty and that's cos you are not being true to you feelings. Go with the flow and don't try to date sex workers who are not into you (12 years?! huh?). of course i don't know you so ultimately go with your feelings but your little thread-javk cry for help reeked of desperation (which i am no stranger to for the record being 27 yrs old and having never no girlfriend) and i believe you would do well do widen your social circle and seek other worlds. it's a wide universe out there and you have to be brave and test the infinite waters with hope. or whatever, like i said i'm not a relationship councillor.

superguen! i dunno. i dare say you know all about the life cycle of romatic thoughts having read you posts a bit. sometimes you need to hang back with some distanced persperctive in a dodgy relationship and sometimes it's good to get lost in the odd rare good one. Sounds like you have got yourse3lf into the deadly former where perhaps you need someone else to take him off your mind or if you are stronf enough get drunk and listen to the right music and zone out and realise you don't need him. It's obvious from your psts that it's not going anywhere anyway apart from downhill. So take a step back and consider the view of an impartial other. The view's often better that way.

Caveat: I am saying all this from the point of view of a man who had 7 pints (7 * 20 ounces?) + four lines of the strongest cocaine i have ever encountered tonight, so i'm definitely not in a professional state of mind or whatever

hugs (only cos i want hugs back), weird druggy john

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Caveat: I am saying all this from the point of view of a man who had 7 pints (7 * 20 ounces?) + four lines of the strongest cocaine i have ever encountered tonight, so i'm definitely not in a professional state of mind or whatever

hugs (only cos i want hugs back), weird druggy john

Whoa man - easy on the drugs there! Can't be a good thing.

And I don't drink more than 1 glass of wine anymore (it it still makes me crazy for a bit), after being a somewhat lush/pothead for a while. No booze therapy for me.

Hugs back at 'cha!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Supergwen,

I totally feel for you here. Sometimes it seems like someone is never going to exit your head.

I'm still getting over a guy I saw recently.. it was only short.. one month or so. But, it was intense, and I still think about him a lot, especially today. It does seem crazy to me that this in lingering on, but hey what can you do?? He wasn't honest with me, which makes it so much harder to deal with. He had problems with intimacy, but the last couple of days I'm starting to think he wasn't really interested in pursuing anything further with me anyhow, but didn't know how to say it because he didn't want to hurt me considering how much rotten stuff I've been through. Don't know this for sure, but it's a possibility. Funny how lack of honesty only makes it worse. I just want to know why so I can deal with it proper and move on. But, contacting him to talk would probably be like picking at a scab.

The upshot of the recovery after relationships is, for me, I feel more alive. It wakes you up. But, it also creates empathy in being able to relate to others on all sorts of things. If you're an artist it gives you so much go on, though my well of sad stuff is large enough already. The main benefit, I think, is that you spiritually grow. I think you transform somehow. It's very primal, beyond reason. Sometimes it can be the sand that makes the pearl.

And I echo Saturnine. I also think there's also a very good point to be made about getting smarter about love before you move on to someone else, and thinking about who it is you want to be with, so you spare yourself more pain in the future. I need to listen to that advice, even though I've known it for a long time myself. Love makes us so very silly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...