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simply, do you have some one to talk to about what is going on in head?

my family and most of friends know that i have problems, they have seen me go through some shit. they do ask how i'm feeling, but you can hear it in their voice that they only want to hear the good things. so of course i say that things are good or ok. but with each good or ok, i feel like i'm losing touch with my emotions. i've been hiding my emotions for so long that i feel dead inside. i don't get excited because that could lead to something, i don't get angry because we know where that will lead, i don't get upset because then i'm put on suicide watch. then everyone complains that i seem distance or i have lost my "passion" for life. i blame you for not accepting my full specturm of emotions. sorry but my emotions are not packaged for individual resell! You must buy them all. this my pathetic attempt at expressing an emotion. which? i don't know, and thats also whats for dinner.

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I write. Sometimes it takes a week or two for me to get it out, but I write it out or I lose it. The past six years I've written in a public forum, on my website and for me, that's what I need, because I feel everyone else needs to know what the hell it's like in my head so they'll stop looking at me funny.

Recently, an ex of mine, who I left over six years ago (too clingy, but ultra good guy, I just can't deal with static cling, need someone who can take care of themself first), has become one of the greatest confidants I could ask for. It helps that he has his own MI issues, but he listens, won't let me brush off the negative things to pretend life is peachy when it's not. I have a close friend but I don't talk about those things with her, so this has been a life saver as of late.

Also, lately, I have started emailing my boyfriend (who's a pdoc, not mine) when I'm in these...dreamlike states, just thinking, and I send a paragraph here and there...feeling much better. And then he knows a little...though never quite everything up there.

A lot of times, I just hide my emotions deep inside, rarely letting it out, and when I do, it's miniscule to what exists. I am afraid of repercussions (not just anger...but sadness, love, joy), and pretty much smother it all to be suitable for others. It is when I can't anymore, that I burst, I write, I talk to my ex/friend.

You have expressed yourself well, or at least I think I get what you're trying to say, how you feel. Sometimes others never get it, and perhaps I don't, but at least you're attempting to express yourself, that's what matters.

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My wonderful husband listens great, and asks me every day how I am and he really wants to know all the feelings I have and the thoughts I am having in my screwed up mind.

My mother on the other hand asked me yesterday, after a drastic med change "how are you doing" not really wanting to know. I had been on the couch dizzy all day. I told her I wasn't feeling well and told her why. All she could say is "Hmmm".

I was so so mentally ill as a child, I could go on all day with stories that would sound familiar to most of you. I spent a year in the hospital when I was 16 and she stil insists to everyone including me that I was "such a happy chid" Sorry to get a little off topic , but yes I do have a great listener and without him I would feel very alone with this mental crap.

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Michael and Reba- sounds familiar! My mother cannot handle my "issues" so I tell her I'm fine because that is what she wants to hear. I am lucky that my older sis. is in the psych. field and has been for over 20 years. So, she really understands what I go through and kept me out of the hospital by dragging me to pdoc who told me to go to ER and made her see me-NOW! Med change-much better. The hospitals here are really bad, from what I hear-my sis. told me I would be much better at home w/ my dh and familiarity and she is a 5 min. drive away. MY dh has been a good sport or trooper or whatever. He has done most of the (okay- almost all) of the housework and knows when I need to be alone and when i need someone to talk to me. But everyone else in my life -other than tdoc andpdoc don't want to hear about it. It's like they think I have the plague or something so I just say "I'm fine."

I need to write more. Just being around here is helpful to me. mel

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I don't really talk to people about what is going on in my head, because most times they aren't really interested. I have recently found that blogging is a good way of getting things out, but still having some kind of satisfaction knowing that someone (mostly "strangers" or cyber-friends) is reading. I ramble like a son of a gun, and sometimes about stuff that is not really interesting to anyone. But it is cathartic. I have a therapist, but I have wayyyyyy more going on in my head than can be discussed in an hour a week.

Try a Springer thread at the bottom of the page? I would be interested to read what is going on in another person's head.

which? i don't know, and thats also whats for dinner.
Like sandwich? Yum....
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thanks you all for taking the time read my dribble. writing does seem to help with the load, even if no one reads it. it sounds like everyone has a "special" someone (internet counts as someone). i tried blogging one or twice, but being biploar most "projects" never get finished. it looks like its time get the old sketch pad out. thanks again.

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Just to be different, I don't really have anyone that I talk to. I'm not in therapy. I have a pdoc but I am tossing around getting rid of him because I don't really feel like he pays much attention.

I'm not close to my family at all and I really don't have many close friends due to moving about too much as an adult. Most of the people I know don't live nearby. My closest friend doesn't understand depression in any form.

I spend my evening and weekend hours online *reading* forums but I don't participate because I just feel detached from everything. I think I'm forgetting how to make any kind of human connection anymore. It scares me greatly. I've always been a little reserved but it was easy to overcome that online and make friends. Now, not at all.

So, I keep my meltdown to myself and try to figure out how to make it through the hours until I can go to sleep..or go to work..or whatever.

Ruins

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Just to be different, I don't really have anyone that I talk to. I'm not in therapy. I have a pdoc but I am tossing around getting rid of him because I don't really feel like he pays much attention.

I'm not close to my family at all and I really don't have many close friends due to moving about too much as an adult. Most of the people I know don't live nearby. My closest friend doesn't understand depression in any form.

I spend my evening and weekend hours online *reading* forums but I don't participate because I just feel detached from everything. I think I'm forgetting how to make any kind of human connection anymore. It scares me greatly. I've always been a little reserved but it was easy to overcome that online and make friends. Now, not at all.

So, I keep my meltdown to myself and try to figure out how to make it through the hours until I can go to sleep..or go to work..or whatever.

Ruins

this is so sad. and sounds familiar. i sometimes get scared i'll lose all ability to be charming and attract or even know how to talk to people--out of sheer isolation and lack of practise. and now that my friggin pdoc put some more dampers med-wise on me, i feel as sparkly as mud.

my advice...keep on talking to your friends on the phone about anything, live. call them enough, a certain pattern of ongoing convo will evolve. keep a journal. talking to yourself is rewarding. don't underestimate your ability to entertain yourself, hours on end. plus all the activities, groups, volunteering, etc--but of course, the effort needed to care and do happens when you are not depressed....and the apathy and lack of energy you describe sounds like depression.

don't give up and good luck.

sorry for the hijack.

7

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yes, I agree with 7. when my states and thoughts get too out of line, i must be on the phone with someone. even if i have to wake up someone who doesn't understand in the middle of the night and just say "i'm mental, save me, just say something real) works for me.

but i have family members, most of them, who think that because everyone in our family is a whackjob that I just not be. in fact, we are not crazy, we are just passionate people (like me, getting dragged off by the police and an ambulance). Very artistic (like me splattering blue handprints all over the walls to express myself!).

i think that's why people get into self-abuse. to feel something, to show themselves something, to show something period. that's why i used to bang my head against surfaces (walls, floors, whatever) and hurt myself. i've stopped that and learned better ways of self-expression, but it takes somehow bringing it out, knowing what you even feel, to realize how to express it. in the case of the handprints on the walls, i actually liked it and i have a wall, still, that gets handprinted when i feel like it. fuck people who look at me funny when they come into my apartment! lol

loon

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