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and I thought I had gotten better

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*** long, pointless, save yourself now and just press your 'back' button

I used to be on these boards 24/7... then something happened. I started to feel better- no longer did I feel suicidal, no longer did I cry 3x a day. I had people that I hung out with, I felt that I belonged somewhere. I felt like I had some energy- I went out to parties, actually did things on the weekend. No more cutting, no more worrying, no more anxiety.

I thought I had finally beat this thing. This stupid depression that has been holding me back since I was 8. It was like some insane miracle. I decided I was going to make some serious changes- I (finally) found some meds that did something, I had 2 therapists, I started telling the truth about my feelings to my parents, I confronted my body image issues- and it felt like I had everything straightened out. Of course, I was still ugly, still boring, still stupid- but I didn't feel so bad about it anymore.

And that was the past 4 months. And now those sad feelings are coming back. Things have changed- I graduated from college, left those "friends", came back home for some time. I'm no longer seeing a therapist (but I was fine with that- I felt that I had taken what I needed to know and now could help myself on my own). But now I'm not so sure anymore.

I don't know whats wrong- but I feel like shit and it seems different from before. I'm not back to feeling so slowed down and tired, I've come to terms with the way I look, my anxiety is mostly gone, it's not a 'lack of friends' thing, I'm not bored, nothing terrible has happened- but I'm depressed again and I'm cutting again.

I'm in school again- and it's very difficult. Tons of work and I feel like I don't know how to handle it. I feel like the stupid person in class. But I have to do it- if I don't, I'll never get a job, never make it on my own- and I know my parents are sick of me. If I drop out- that will be a waste of 30 grand- and I would never be able to get over that.

Still, I feel like a failure. I feel like it's freshman year again- in a new city, away from my family... and I'm afraid all that crap is gonna come back again. All I've been doing is laying in my bed listening to sad songs, crying and thinking about how I can get away from it all.

And I thought I was done with that. And now all I want is a gun and just to be done with it.

I don't know what to do.

okay- just needed to get that out somewhere...

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Awww, babe I'm so sorry your depression is coming back. But if you overcame it after being depressed so long I bet you can do it again. Have you checked out your school's counseling/psychiatry dept yet? Are you still on the medication that worked? Did it poop out? If it did I bet raising the dose would help.

It really won't be the end of the world if graduate school doesn't work out. I moved 1300 miles to start a PhD and had to drop out immediately because the intense stress triggered a severe depression. It was devastating but I'm finally over it--and the only reason it took so incredibly long was because I refused medical help for it. But it sounds like grad school can work out just fine for you as long as you get help.

I wouldn't be surprised if something similar is happening to you. That is a lot of changes for anyone to be going through at one time. Call your school's mental health office ASAP!

As far as handling your school work, I would try the office of graduate students or whatever is closest to that. Tell them you need help with handling your workload. Or the career counseling office or maybe even the mental health office would be good to try.

Good luck hun, I know you can do this.

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Really, and welcome back, but like HF said, "get help now--especially with school". YOU CAN DO IT. But the shit snowballs sooooooooooooooo faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast and with graduate school it's even crazier. But if you already know you need help, stop listening to the sad songs and get out your Studen HB. For 30K they better have good student services, holy shit. Waiting and letting the paralysis of fear take over is NOT the route you want to go, and since you've had a recent fairly good (I would say) remission, it's gonna be easier to get you back into action, doncha think? I just know from my own 30 years of the bullshit depression that getting in that hole with the covers over your head with every breakup song you know on the CD player and every loss being ruminated over and over in your head is going to get you paralyzed. And that place sucks.

Get up and go for a walk...today, if you can. Be good to you, don't blame your depression backslide on yourself--it's an illness that I swear wants us dead.

Oh, and not firearms! No, No, No, Bad Idea... ;)

Seriously, I KNOW how hard it is to feel suicidal and have to climb out of the pit. Unfortunately, it's a cyclical thing with me, but if I stick with my tdoc/pdoc and you guys, the stays in the pit have been shorter and I can get my life back sooner when I do have a reccurence episode.

Congrats on getting your undergrad work done! Sheesh, let yourself enjoy that even if you plowing right throught, that's huge! Good for you!



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you're not stupid for thinking this was behind you. sometimes people never go into remission.

graduate school is hard. but i bet you aren't the stupidest person in the room, and i'm damn sure you're not the only person who thinks they are the stupidest in the room.

are you on meds still? i don't know what kind of program you are in, but is there a way to take a lighter course load (i'm in the middle of trying to figure this out with my program.) or get extensions on papers? or get the texts ahead of time so you can work ahead over breaks?

check out your school's councelling service. go to the silly grad school mixers.

you've made it a long way. you're strong, you'll get through this.

i'm sorry you're struggling and hurting.


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Guest espressogrrl


I am so sorry this has come back to you. Thats just awful. Maybe starting school again triggered feelings from the last time you started? I know that can happen to me, anyway. But the good news is that you already have proof that therapy and meds work for you, you already have a dx, so this time you won't run around in circles. You will get through this twice as fast.

Funny thing about therapy. Sometimes, you need it so that you can get stuph out. Sometimes you need it just to know you COULD get stuph out if you HAD stuph to get out. Maybe you might want to try therapy again? Also, even when it does let up again (it will. ) keep the therapy around. They might be able to see a relapse coming before you can. Sometimes it's good to come in, say hi, say I'm fine this week, and leave in 15 minutes. It's like a mental check-up. They poke around and see if everything is healthy, and set you on your merry way. think of it like preventative medicine. ;)

You are going to be fine. Your meds probably pooped out and on top of that you are revisiting an experience similar to an unhappy one a while ago. You seem like a tough cookie.

Let us know how it's going!!! I think it helps everyone to know that relapses, like shit, just happens.


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wot everyone else said ...

i would definitely try hard to stay in school. you're in a new place, and right now it might be the best way for you to have something concrete and structured to hang your life on. plus it could be the only way to meet some likeminded people and have a social context and people to help you out.

hey, you've done it all before, there is no reason why you can't beat the bastard again.

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You are in a new situation, with a lot of work. Your old support network isn't there anymore. That's a lot of stress. It's not terribly surprising that you're depressed. Go and find yourself a therapist, get a pdoc and get your meds resumed, or changed to ones that work. Getting yourself a therapist is MANDATORY. No wiggling out of it. You need to take care of yourself. If you haven't the energy for anything else beyond that, when you wake up, get out of bed, go out the door, and look up at the sky. Every day. Should make the next thing you have to do just a little easier.

(Long section on friends here, but I noticed you wrote that you weren't having the lack of friends problem. So I deleted it. But if you're saying that you don't have friends but it's ok, write in a long section here about finding some new friends. Apparently you already have the skills required.)

You have demonstrated an ability to cope with a fair amount of academic work, so I'm guessing your school would be willing to help you out a bit, one way or another. BTW, have you congratulated yourself on your undergraduate degree? That is no small accomplishment. It took me 14 years. If you haven't lately, pat yourself on the shoulder (sounds silly, but try it, when no one is around, and see if it doesn't feel good) and tell yourself that you did well. You attempted a very large project and completed it. Chances are, you'll be able to get through this one as well. If you've got your diploma around, get a nice frame and hang it on the wall. For you. Doesn't have to be where anyone else can see it. This is for you. Or maybe a nice graduation picture. Perhaps you have a congratulatory card or two someone sent you. Hang that up also, where you can see it when you look up from working on some intractable problem.

You're not a failure yet. Your last project was a success. And chances are you CAN get a job with an undergraduate degree, tho if you want the graduate one, keep going.

I am rather skeptical of this idea that you are ugly. Truly ugly people are rare, especially if they are in a good mood. It's obvious you're unhappy at the moment, but that's not the same as ugly. And, you're depressed, which means you are biased against yourself. Anyway, IMHO, the more you know someone, the more you judge their "appearance" by the inside of their head, not the outside of their body.

Furthermore, I'm dead certain you are not boring or stupid. They don't admit stupid people to grad school. Not even brilliant football players. Your post is not boriing. It's a pretty clear statement and it makes sense. And why did those people hang around with you if they thought you were boring?

Hoping you'll be feeling better soon.

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I thought I had finally beat this thing.
I hate it when this happens. I think it is fairly common. Not to be a downer, but I don't think it ever goes away. But I know about the relief that is felt when you finally feel like things are better.

My suggestion is that when things start getting bett, don't change what you are doing! Tempting to stop seeing tdoc, branch out and maybe be a little more risky in decision making because you think you can handle it, but in my experience this doesn't work. Granted - the changes were not your doing, you had to come home from school and move, but give yourself some time to adjust. Definitely find a tdoc of some sort, and maybe join a club? Personally I am not prone to join a club when I am feeling bad, but maybe you are? Maybe throw yourself into your studies, get a tutor (cute one???), study group etc...

Good luck & hang on.

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As I recall, studies show that it reduces rate of recurrences to keep going with antidepressants for 6 months or a year (depending on the study) after the depression goes away.

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