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ROMANCE TODAY


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SIMPLY SPEAKING.. I NEVER WAS MADE TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE SPECIAL.. OR

TRULY LOVED. NO WORDS , FLOWERS, MUSHINESS AT ALL IN A LETTER..

CUT AND DRY..HAS ANYONE HAD THAT SPECIAL MAN OPEN UP..

DO GUYS DO IT ANYMORE THESE DAYS...IF THEY DO ....fROSTY ;)

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Ok I read this cheesy-sounding book about "The Five Love Languages" (go ahead, laugh at me ;) ) but the premise is pretty simple- each person has a way they "receive" love the best. For some, it's what you mentioned- cards, flowers, candlelight, traditional "romance." For others, it's acts of service- a good dinner, a backrub. And so on.

A person usu. shows love in the manner they like to receive love, but when someone is partnered with someone whose "language" is different, there is discord. They don't feel fully loved, like someone special as you put it, and chances are, their partner is dissatisfied as well, at least some times.

So my answer is that I think men, and women also, do show their softer sides "today" but it may not be in the traditional sense you're speaking of. It doesn't make it any less valid, but knowing how you give love, and how your partner prefers to receive love, and they knowing what they need to do to show their love for you- those things can be very helpful, if you are both open to learning. And even if your partner is not open to learning about you, that may change once he (or she) feels more "special" by your own efforts.

My husband has opened up to me and made me feel truly loved, but never in the cards and mushiness way. He's gotten me flowers a couple of times but it was never as special to me as something like just being held while watching the snow falling outside the bedroom window. If he'd gone in for the candy and flowers route, I would be unhappy. Takes all kinds, right? Lots of definitions of romance, chances are the ones your guy is using just isn't the same one you are!

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No laughter here.... Good book .. makes a lot of sense.. I guess my only remembered act of love from hub

was holding hands while taking the kids out for holloween.. Thats it's.

Still love conventional romanticism though..Sigh

Frosty

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Holy shit, I think my ex-tdoc read that book before she attempted to therapize my ex-boyfriend and me. *note: I said ex-therapist* She did the whole "Everyone shows love differently" which made me defensive then and even more so now. She basically "suggested" that I completely change the way I showed love because I should recognize and adhere to every way he wanted. And screw how I was brought up and what made me happy. Now, that we've been broken up for almost a year, my anger with her has only increased since I realized that compromising myself for HIM destroyed my sense of identity, gave him license to use my "not changing" against me, and I've lost my ability to understand what I want and deserve. I was never unsure before, and now that's all I am.

And no one has sent me flowers in 5 years. ;)

Moral: If your therapist thinks that you should change yourself for a man, poke her with a fork and scram. And go for the flowers. Or send yourself flowers, so he realizes that if someone is going to be sending you flowers it should be him.

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Holy shit, I think my ex-tdoc read that book before she attempted to therapize my ex-boyfriend and me. *note: I said ex-therapist* She did the whole "Everyone shows love differently" which made me defensive then and even more so now. She basically "suggested" that I completely change the way I showed love because I should recognize and adhere to every way he wanted. And screw how I was brought up and what made me happy. Now, that we've been broken up for almost a year, my anger with her has only increased since I realized that compromising myself for HIM destroyed my sense of identity, gave him license to use my "not changing" against me, and I've lost my ability to understand what I want and deserve. I was never unsure before, and now that's all I am.

And no one has sent me flowers in 5 years. ;)

Moral: If your therapist thinks that you should change yourself for a man, poke her with a fork and scram. And go for the flowers. Or send yourself flowers, so he realizes that if someone is going to be sending you flowers it should be him.

DITTO... YOU NEVER CHANGE FOR ANYBODY.. WHAT A FREAK OF A DOC...I DID GET FLOWERS ONCE..

FROM A CUSTOMER AT THE BANK I was a teller at.. I did not even know who he was until i looked up his deposit slip.. I bring the flowers home and doofus boyfriend says Whatever...love stinks..

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Nah, I wouldn't endorse changing oneself, just increasing the knowledge base and available options. But I will make sure to start packing a fork in my purse just in case. ;)

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A person usu. shows love in the manner they like to receive love, but when someone is partnered with someone whose "language" is different, there is discord. They don't feel fully loved, like someone special as you put it, and chances are, their partner is dissatisfied as well, at least some times.

OMG I TOTALLY GET THIS!!!

This pretty much explains my last relationship. Except perhaps that my ex didn't show his love - like at all. His idea of love was "I have so much to do, you should be thankful for what little time I have to spend w/ you!" Yeah, I don't think so.

Everything is so clear to me now!

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There a lot of guys out there that are Mushy, Romantic and Sweet................

When I think, that there isn't Something wonderful happens.

I know these Lines sound chessy to some but they were great to me.

1. Him: When we are in a crowded place, it seems like everyone is in Black and White and you are the only one in color.

2. We went out to The Castaway's Rest. (The one owned by the captian on Gilligans Island)

Me: I hoped you liked my dress last night

(he actually bought all the things I like to eat and made me breakfast in bed ;) )

Him: And the funny thing was you were prettier in bed and absolutely gorgeous in pink when you left.

I Know these sound chessy, but there are guy's out there that want Romance just as much as we Do.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't know about romance, but I do try to show, (and tell) my s.o. that I think she's great. Probably works best when listening hard enough so that I end up doing something that most people don't like but that she does. How many women would get all gushy about a big bug exoskeleton? I was pretty nervous about it, but I was also pretty sure she'd like it. And she did. I think people like to be "seen". Also find myself finding silly ways to say I enjoy her company.

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Hiya Frosty,

I don't know about the romance stuff either. I've sat there, like you, and wondered if times have just changed and if my standards are either out-dated or too high, or if I'm picking the wrong guys, or worse, if I'm not worthy of such treatment. Then I look around me and OTHER WOMEN seem to be getting treated the old-style way, so why aren't I? (I'm a month shy of 28, and I wonder if manners are different at different age groups. I date men of many ages).

About the varius love-styles, I think I just like thoughtfulness. Whether it is making sure I can get my car out of the driveway in the morning in the winter, or sending me flowers "just because", or being a gentleman and holding the door, I like it when a guy actually uses his brain and predetermines how he will treat me. Don't get me wrong, those spontaneous actions are often the best and come from the heart, but what I'm saying is that I want to know he sits there and considers me, and who I am and what I like, and will come up with a plan on how to approach the situation. A bit on the intellectual/thoughtful/perhaps unromantic to some side, but that's what's romantic to me.

Do I get this? NO NO NO!!!

It just is surprising to me that I can be so thoughtful to a guy and he doesn't do it in return. I think they're lazy until prodded. I think they need to be told that this or that would really make me feel special, so could you please do this or that?

I mean, it does take some of the POINT out of it (that he cared to do it by himself), but it will get him into the practice and hopefully it will stick. At least, this is the theory I just concocted and will put into practice starting now.

Romantic Highlights of the Love Life of the Loon? (you'd think it would be better considering my boyfriend resume but it is, sadly, a bit lacking)...

I was in college and I was dating a guy who lived overseas. i was flooded with gifts, cards, phone calls, even plane tickets and visits from him. i saw more of him than some family members who live in my city.

another college boyfriend actually bought me roses. what was so special was that we were poor college students, and just affording roses must have been really tough for him. it was really special to me. i took him to dinner, got a migraine while we were there, couldn't drive home (and he didn't have a license), and then barfed on the side of the road. Not so romantic! but for awhile it was anyway. and he did hold me while i was barfing. so i guess it was romantic, even during that part.

a guy i was seeing in one city understood that i had to move back to my home city, but that i didn't have the money to do it. he gave me the money to do it, even though it meant us parting ways. he really loved me.

one of my boyfriends after i came back to my home city was a general all-around total sweetheart. he took me dancing, paid for everything, even took me in with him and his roommates when i had no power in my apartment (mania=no pay bills), and gave me money for food when i didn't have any, and paid my rent when i was going to get evicted. he wasn't rich at all. he made about $12/hr and my lifestyle at the time was much more expensive than what could be afforded on that money. i was spending what i had been making before (delusions). we dated for two months when he proposed. i had to ask him for more time, and we ended up dating longer but breaking up, ironically, because HE was suicidal and I couldn't handle it! talk about horse calling the kettle! we dated a few years later and he still had it for me, and i was a bitch again.

i was with a really great guy when my dad suicided. my boyfriend was there with me through the whole thing, and drove as the lead car in the procession to the gravesite. I'm good friends with him to this day and we buy each other drinks and dance still, as friends.

i was with my best friend, who is male, and the line of our relationship between friendship and a love relationship is very, very blurry. we were walking in the football field of where he went to high school, at night, and he asked me outright if i would like to be his wife. we had to talk about further issues and decided to be friends at this point, but that was very, very romantic of him. i still consider his proposal and would ditch my swing'n lifestyle for married life with him.

One of my boyfriends was a total cheap dork in almost every way, but he did do something that qualifies him to be in this romantic list. i was a counter girl at a cosmetics counter in a department store, and i got "graded" based on how much stuff i sold. my boyfriend came in and bought buttloads of expensive skin products. he let me put makeup on him and make him look like a girl. it was nice of him to buy the stuff and funny to dress him up.

i was chatting with a fellow nutcase at the mental health center i go to. i mentioned that i needed to get my hair cut but didn't have any money. the guy i was talking to gave me $40, even though he really didn't have it either. it didn't come out of any kind of disordered behavior or to woo me, he was just a rare, good-hearted person. he also has some deep wounds (MDD) and is someone I currently see.

That's my current list. The weird thing is that there is a guy I've been seeing for four years who DIDN'T make the list! I could think of NOTHING, and I was really liberal in what i was considering for him. i wanted to list him but couldn't. i listed my best friend and mr. cheap dork (who cheated on me with an ugly fat whore, making him an ugly fat whore too), but anyway...

my tangent is over

loon

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I'll bet if you asked a bunch of older women, many of them, especially the ones worth listening to, would say it's worth sacrificing some of the old "romantic" behavior in order to be treated more equally. It's still within living memory (barely) that women in the United States were given the vote. Many parts of the glass ceiling are still intact. So being wined and dined and given piles of roses may have a price. I would very much like to have known what my mother's life would have been like in a more equal world.

On the other hand, I'm a general advocate of people in relationships listening and paying attention to each other, and of small acts of generosity.

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Ido- that is interesting. i see that the wine and dine concept traditionally puts the man in charge of the relationship. with our equalities, it is the case that perhaps men would think we'd be insulted by these gestures, or that they'd feel sexist doing it. or maybe silly! macho macho man! lol

we want men who are secure enough to realize that we have the right to vote AND receive candy. is that too much to ask? ;)

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"Please love me. I need to be loved. I need a woman to make me feel special. Make me feel attractive, make me feel loved. My whole life will revolve around you, so I need your whole life to revolve around me. Oh and I need to be the center of your attention all the time, because I'm very insecure." Is that soft enough for you? Women want guys with a soft side?? I don't think so! ;)

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Ido- that is interesting. i see that the wine and dine concept traditionally puts the man in charge of the relationship. with our equalities, it is the case that perhaps men would think we'd be insulted by these gestures, or that they'd feel sexist doing it. or maybe silly! macho macho man! lol

we want men who are secure enough to realize that we have the right to vote AND receive candy. is that too much to ask? ;)

Well, I do try to have at least one little bit of dark chocolate (the type that's not as sweet) around when my s.o. is going to be here, since that's the type she likes.

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