Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

"How does it feel to you?


Recommended Posts

For me it's almost like a drug. Manic too much of it. Depression too little of it and jonesing hard!

Mania-A euphoric feeling that at first is a great relief then the feeling builds and builds and before I know it I'm having too much fun. I'm full of great ideas,confident,horny and adventuirous. I don't do anything really crazy just a little

outa the box. Sometimes get into trouble(send "Lawyers,guns and money" R.i.p. Warren Zevon).I get overly friendly, can meet people anywhere,problem is I also think everybody is nice like me and my new "friends" almost always rob,steal and generally fuck me over royally. Just this past x-mas a "friend" just attacked me while I was driving home from a bar after

buying all the beer.He was supposed to work for me in my new landscaping buisness. What did I expect right?

Drink more,smoke more( Ganja! How could da mahn doo such a ting!" Peter Tosh). Sleep 4-5 hours a night,eat once a day(usually a wonderful munchfest with an elaborate and inventive menu. Wake up early 5-530 to watch the sunrise and start the day usually with a beer and a buzz( "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer! The futures uncertain and the

end is always near! R.i.p. Jim Morrison ) I'm not talking about getting smashed,just cruising along enjoying the day!Getting

things done around the house , being creative and just generally grooving on the whole scene.

I've learned to be safe and spend alot of time at home when I've been drinking a little while and I'm over the limit

to drive legally. I've actually learned to alter and limit some behaviors which I know will get me into trouble as I have

learned that being in jail is an inherently unpleasant experience.

Then one day someone in the big power plant in the sky flips a switch and the juice stars fading slowly. I first notice

that I'll take a nap during the day and I will begin to wake up later and later until eventually I start the I don't wanna get out of bed bullshit.

****** This is a truncated version of my mania /hypomania story as after I began writing it I realized that I had alot more to say about this so I will continue this subject in a different area or I shall elaborate at another time.

Depression- A freefall into the abyss of hopelessness and despair. I don't want to go out except the library and the

grocery store and sometimes I'll put those off as long as possible. I generally don't answer the phone and the only person I

talk to is my mother and that is brief and only so that she won't worry that I'm dead. I just don't want to burden anyone with this this pile of negativity i'm tangling with. Suicidal ideation becomes my constant companion and let me tell you it is a SONOFABITCH!!!!!!(I'm sure you do!) I read and watch movies and wear a trail in the carpet from bed to kitchen to couch

and back.(bathroom also)lol I can get up if I have to(court,odd jobs,etc...) Other than that it's a complete "bumapalooza".

People call me and I either don't answer the phone or have an excuse to not do anything.

For me it's a mental and a physical thing. Both when my Depression is at it's worse and only physical when it's kinda

up a little. It's like I know what I should be doing but I don't feel like doing it. Things like getting a job,going outside ,to the gym etc..

What's it feel like to you? Don't hold back! Let's get real up in here!("Yall go make em lose my mind upin here...)

Just cutting up a little because I know this place is real because I've been reading!

So let me/us have it! Take your time and think about it as I have.

Brian C...

*****Future lengthy expressions are possible,Extreme caution is suggested***** ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi spaceman. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Your depression sounds similar to what i've experienced.

Originally, i wasn't going to respond to this since i'm not bipolar, but i see that you havn't gotten any replies yet, so i can at least contribute to the depression part of it. I have no idea what mania or hypomania is like, so i can't touch that subject

depression for me--usually it all starts out with me feeling sad and scared and irritated for reasons i can't explain. I start feeling like something horrible is about to happen. Then, My self Esteem continues to fall. I start feeling real ugly and fat which always triggers my bulimia back up. Plus, i feel like an aweful, guilty, stupid person. I start isolating myself completly. Never going anywhere. Never wanting to see anyone or have anyone see me. The last time i was majorly depressed, this caused me to drop out of school and cut off the few friends i had had. Then I become real suicidal. It's like, it's always on my mind. The subject of death. I plan all different ways to kill myself and set a date. Everything i look at becomes part of my suicidal thinking. for example, if i look at a lamp post outside, i invision myself hanging from it. If i pass by a tall building, i imagine jumping off of it. I see cars driving by and i picture getting smashed by all of them, etc, etc.

Then i want so badly to kill myself, but the only thing keeping me from doing so is my mom. She lives all alone and loves me very very much and i just couldn't do that to her. So instead i just keep wishing i were dead, slit my wrists every night to watch my own blood spill from my body.. eventually i stop talking, like i have gone mute. And start sleeping all day and staying up all night. And I have periods of Catatonia throughout the day: i'll just sit there motionless for 20 or 30 minutes not hardly blinking or anything.

I also have schizophrenia, but when im depressed, all the hallucinations and paranoid delusions become 10 times worse and more intense. I get more visual hallucinations when im depressed; shadow figures running across the street, blood on the walls, faces popping out at me from the walls, arms reaching out in the dark, etc. My Delusions get real depressing. One i had in particular was the belief that trees, chairs, steet lamps, etc had come to life and were communicating with me through telepathy. They would tell me how horrible the world is and that it would soon end and such.

When i get this depressed and psychotc, im constantly in and out of the psych ward and in all kinds of day treatment programs and therapy.

Oh, i too never answer the phone when im depressed. Actually, even when im not depressed, i almost never answer the phone unless it's my mother or my boyfriend. I hate phones and always have. They make me paranoid.

I also get physically sick when my depression is real bad. I think it's also from the anxiety. I get lots of stomach aches along with diarreha (sorry) And sometimes my stomach cramps up so bad that i can't even sit up straight.

Sunlight and heat piss the fucking hell out of me when im depressed. I keep all the blinds closed and the. For some reason though, artificial lights dont bother me as long as they aren't too bright.I'll wear sunglasses if i have to be anywhere near the sun. I feel like i just want to kill the sun and wish it would always be dark or gloomy outside. And heat is really bad too. If it's summer, i feel especially pissed off and uncomfortable.

..something strange. The last time i was really depressed, my eyes started doing weird things. I would blink uncontrollably, or my eyes would move around all over the place and not be able to focus on things to well. Kind've scary.

ok, now i feel like people are going to think im throwing a "pitty party" so i'll stop. I think that's about it anyways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mania for me--not really manic, just iritable, and really thinking fast and things not falling into place, and really anxious. Sometimes even shaking, pacing, not realy happy, tho, thats for sure--Lots of fear, lots of anxiety, wringing my hands--constantly wringing my hands, or it I am sitting, rubbing the tops of my legs, lots of repetitive movements

Depression--Blackbunny, you sound like me. I will lie on the couch for hours, not moving or even thinking, alternating withcrying so hard that my soul hurts. And feeling completely worthless and hopeless. Then, most times, comes the "blanks" as I call them. I am up, walking, doing the stuff I am supposed to do, but have no feeling at all, like a robot or something. Moving slowly, methodically. Just want to sleep--will do anythingm or take anything that will make me number or sleepy or anything that will make me "high"--like 3 or 4 Klonopin at a time, which sure stops the crying.

Keep in mind, please, that prior to getting on the "right" treatment/cocktail--I was going from one of these states to the other as often as 8-10 times in a 12 hour period. Rapid cycling I would not wish on my worst enemy

a very depressed china--more money problems, more everything--awful day--

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know when I'm hypomanic when I rent tons of books at the library or buy more books than I can afford.

I know when I'm hypomanic when I start at least 15 projects around the house and can't finish one of them.

I know when I'm hypomanic when I clean out the files on my computers.

I know when I'm manic when I'm starting to get really, really confused.

I know when it's turning into psychosis when I find too many synchronicities in things (or is that just being spiritual?)

I know when it starts getting dangerous when I get messages from the TV or radio or signs.

I know when I'm depressed when I cry a lot and wallow in self pity and isolate even more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reading these (and the other thread ella pointed out) I've gotta wonder what the diference is between anxiety and agitation anyway. I've felt a whole lot like some of the less plesent descriptions of hypo given here, a kind of frantic anxiety that makes you want to pull yout teeth out with pliers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lmnop thanx for the previous thread tip lots of interesting stuff there. i can identify with alot of those stories.

i'm glad mine are always happy that dysphoria sounds like a real bummer.

anyone else tend to dress differently?

I get to wearing all black with belts i make with stuff i need on them and sometimes a cape. my police a.k.a is

batman. i didn't say that the cops did and now its a part of my permanent record in washington i guess. i have actually gone out wearing tights cape etc. somehow thinking i am asserting my right to nonconformity this past time when someone called the cops just because they were freaked out(i really didn't break the law or accost anyone as i wasn't arrested) but i was

hassled. i was going down to the police station in full regalia getting reports and filing complaints with the chief of police.

stuff like that really gets me going then and i feel like i am being persecuted for expressing my first amendment rights

so i will do it even more.

it is an interesting sociological case study in how if you are different it seems to bring out the persecutors and

haters that just seem to want to cause trouble. i've had people call 911 and say i was in their yard when i am miles away

with a solid alibi. i had a new friend( he's bipolar too) call the ppolice and say i had molested his daughter. i was never alone with his kids nor would i ever be with anyones. this was investigated and proven to be completely false. this guy as it turns out has a history of false reports to the police which was lucky for me. that and the fact that when the girls were questioned

they totally denied any wrongdoing on my part. I had another guy at a bar call the police and tell them that i told him that i was a C.I.A. assassin! really! at the time i had come from the gym and i had on an american flag warmup suit(cotton,just flag print )and and a santa clause hat. these cops were serious they had their guns drawn and everything. searched me

asked me "are you a C.I.A. assassin? No! "have you ever been a C.I.A. assassin? NO " did you tell anyone that you are a C.

I.A. assassin?" NO why would i do something like that! what finally saved me was the bartender came out and said i wasn't doing anything and the guy who called was a little off. Is that crazy or what? i call it my SANTASSIN story. see every year around x-mas the C.I.A. sends out squads of covert undercover assassins to clean off the books before new years!

I have had weird stuff like that happen to me numerous times. I'm gonna write all this stuff down one day and put it in a book. I'll be a bestseller!

Anybody else have a weird story to tell ? Keep em coming I find this very enlightening!

brian

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, since I am rapidly cycling through dysphoric mania, depression, and agitated mixed states, I guess I can describe. BTW, VE- IMHO, anxiety is ruminating negative thoughts, unfounded and unrelenting irrational fears, panic attacks where you feel like you are losing your mind, sudden terrifying thoughts about something bad happening, impending doom. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Agitation is when you feel like you want to crawl out of your skin, you are so irritable that you cringe at any sensory input, you feel like banging your head against the wall, you lose control and start screaming at innocent people who don't deserve it and slamming doors so much and so hard that you break the door, You feel like you or your head are going to just explode, your brain feels like it's burning.

I guess that sums up the type of mania I experience. I don't get the getting lots of things done mania. I can't get anything done because I am so keyed up.

Depression-

I don't ever ever want to get out of bed. I don't want to talk to anyone, especially not on the phone. I completely withdraw from everyone and everything. I have absolutely no energy. I look forward to bedtime because then I will be asleep and won't have to feel this way. I only shower every other day(I do brush my teeth :) ). I can't even cry most of the time because I feel too empty. I just don't care about anything. I have suicidal thoughts until I tell my thoughts to shut the hell up.

wow. I'm so glad I responded to this post ;)

mel

Link to comment
Share on other sites

****anxiety is ruminating negative thoughts, unfounded and unrelenting irrational fears, panic attacks where you feel like you are losing your mind, sudden terrifying thoughts about something bad happening, impending doom. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture.

***Agitation is when you feel like you want to crawl out of your skin, you are so irritable that you cringe at any sensory input, you feel like banging your head against the wall, you lose control and start screaming at innocent people who don't deserve it and slamming doors so much and so hard that you break the door, You feel like you or your head are going to just explode, your brain feels like it's burning.

****I don't get the getting lots of things done mania. I can't get anything done because I am so keyed up.

Hi Mel1. "Mel" (my nickname) here, too.

That is the best description of what anxiety vs. agitation feels that I think I've ever heard. Will you email my husband and explain that to him? (Just kidding, but maybe I'm not). I only get agitation nowdays when doing necessary med changes (like the last coupla weeks).

Agitation also feels to me like I want to itch the inside of my skin, all over my body. I guess that is close to feeling like crawling out of your skin..? I want to LITERALLY crawl up the walls like you see those ghouls do in horror flicks, and crawl on the ceiling. I want to turn my skin inside out and dig into it with my fingernails. Yeah.

Once in a while I feel the hypomania of having to get a lot of stuff done. But it always turns out that I have at least 15 projects going at the same time. I go from one to another when I feel that kind of hypomania.

Do you ever feel euphoric hypomania? I love that part. That's the best part of being Bipolar. I feel it a little bit sometimes now, but not very often. I think that is the part that meds kill off first. Unfortunately. ;) Unless I'm on Zoloft, which I can't afford right now.

What embarrasses me is PRESSURED SPEECH. I get that with euphoric hypomania. Or most any hypomania.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i have actually gone out wearing tights cape etc. somehow thinking i am asserting my right to nonconformity this past time when someone called the cops just because they were freaked out(i really didn't break the law or accost anyone as i wasn't arrested) but i was hassled. i was going down to the police station in full regalia getting reports and filing complaints with the chief of police....

I had another guy at a bar call the police and tell them that i told him that i was a C.I.A. assassin! really! at the time i had come from the gym and i had on an american flag warmup suit(cotton,just flag print )and and a santa clause hat.

That rocks. Go you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

BP1 always includes psychosis= believing that i am so superhuman that everything i do is grand and glorious. i can party all night and all day, as if on drugs, for days and even months at a time. i do not pay bills. i think everything is free. i've gotten weird looks from cashiers and stopped by store police after just trying to walk out of stores with stuff wtihout paying. i kind of stare at them like they're from space and say "but why would i have to actually pay for anything?!". they get the hint i'm just crazy and i pay and it is good. but i always feel ripped off that i had to pay, like they misunderstood and i did a great deed by making them feel better.

i get wild, uninhibited, and pregnant. since i don't believe anything can hurt me, i have LOTS of unprotected sex (thank the goddess i've never had a social disease) and get pregnant (twice now), and have an abortion for health reasons (mania and being on meds is a huge medical reason).

I see things that aren't there, have conversations wtih imaginary people and random things, and believe i can create things that are beings and will help me control my life. there is a fine line between my religious faith (Wicca) and being psychotic. Generally, when I am well, i can look at the things i believe as a wiccan and rule out those extras i thought when i was psycho.

mixed= all the darkness of my darkest thoughts with the energy of mania to actually pull off self-destruction. i do things to hurt myself- like hurting people and relationships, jsut to prove i can do it. weird, weird stuff. i am so irritable and i shake, can't sleep, and feel like i drank gallons of coffee.

depression= why me? why this life? suicide is the answer! i should be wtih my dad! i love my dad and want him back! why me? lying on my futon staring at the ceiling for hours. no, the ceiling doesn't move as it would in BP1 psychosis. but sometimes i do see things that aren't there, if it is a bad depression. i count up my pills, do research on if i could pull off suicide with the meds on hand, and sit there with it all in front of me and a calm, disconcerting permission to myself.

at that point, some kind of reality sets in and i admit myself to the hospital. 5 times in my life. 4 in 2 years since dad completed suicide. i know how dangerous my meds can be if abused and seeing them, all counted out and lined up, shows me just how frail life is.

my depressions give me a new respect for the medications and wellness attained by proper adherance to my medical plan. i've only attempted twice, and both times was found in enough time to save my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Loon-interesting thought about our "old rel;igion" and being a bit psychotic. Never thought of that. There aree those (we both know!) who think that any kind of majick--or thinking you can do majick--is psychotic, we believe (and know) its not.

Never tried to summon up/create any being to help me along, but I do practicxe in my own eclectic way(Intent is everything). I do notice, tho, that when I am terribly depressed, and/or anxious--like now--I really tend to do very little, spiritually. Maybe I should work on that--gosh is that cognitive behavior? Eeek!

Seriously, I am gonna give that some thought--I just realized the connection betweeen the depression and anxiety and the lack of majick in my life--hmmmmm

Thanks, sister!

china

P.S. If you are freaked by this and thik Loon and I are worshiping the devil, would you please just leave us alone? We already know that--but you can't "worship" what you dont' believe in--

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reading these (and the other thread ella pointed out) I've gotta wonder what the diference is between anxiety and agitation anyway. I've felt a whole lot like some of the less plesent descriptions of hypo given here, a kind of frantic anxiety that makes you want to pull yout teeth out with pliers.

another perspective:

for me, the difference is anxiety, you're worried, nervous and have a feeling of dread.

agitation is extreme restlessness, sometimes a piercing hunger, fire. i, for example, just want to swallow the world whole. i have a painful yearning that...leaping off a cliff might assuage. (not as suicide but as embrace with the vastness i crave) or leading a revolution. basically have to dream up things that have to get done fast, furious, and FUN. but if my hands are tied for some reason, i will be painfully restless.

i used to confuse the two too.

7

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hypomania: Need a little less sleep, things are more interesting than usual, I want to buy things, I feel like I am smarter and funnier than other people.

Mania: massive drinking binges, stay up all night, call people at inappropriate times, do inappropriate things and generally just act like an ass.

Depression: don't want to get out of bed, can't move, want to sleep all the time, don't want anyone to talk to me, my skin crawls, I think about death obsessively and even about suicide sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, true China. I generally even avoid talking about my religion when dealing with my medical team. They won't understand that I do not spend my life in a psychotic state. There is magick in Christian faiths (the Communion being a big one), but our practices are psychotic. Strange!

But as to how my moods feel- right now I'm in an anxious depression, I guess disphoric (sp) hypomania or something. the clasifications are weird and the lines blurred. Thank you DSM for clearing it all up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Loon--

My greatest t/pdoc was a woman in Charleston who was, indeed, a practicing pagan. Can you imagine how wonderful it was to be able to discuss things with her in that context?

Love, china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

anyone else tend to dress differently?

Yeah, I dress up all sexy-like when I'm manic. Hey we degenerated into talking about "manifestations" rather than "how it feels." :embarassed:

Anyway, I loved the cape and tights one!

P.S. I'm in a major med change and am agitated. I cannot focus to read the long posts. Sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...