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I think I lost a friend


saltiest

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I keep telling myself it’s not a big deal, things will pass, all will be worked out…but I am hurting. I am feeling so much confusion, pain, anger, self-doubt, sadness right now I don’t know what to do, how to cope. This has been in me nearly a week and I just need to get it out, so forgive me, this is quite long.

Last weekend my friend, my “partner in crime” as we’ve always said, flew into San Diego. We met in 7th grade, orchestra, second violin, and have remain close all these years, closer after high school. I stood by her when she had a son at age 16, we’ve been there through all the crap, all moves, across country, and now two states from her (she lives in Seattle where I’m originally from).

Usually, we talk every couple days, and this last month we’d been discussing all things we’d do together once she arrived. I have very few friends, only two really close female ones (the other is only a recent one, still growing), so spending time with D was a huuuge deal me.

When she was here last September, one night she met this one guy, and since then she’s talked to him every couple weeks or so. D made it sound like he wasn’t anything special, that she would spend a day, two days max with him, if he was lucky, and probably while I was at work. I was truly looking forward to spending Friday through Tuesday (the 4th) with D, staying in SD, enjoying life, shopping, people watching as we love to do and just enjoying life with my closest friend. I told everyone, I was excited, and I spent the night before she arrived packing, cleaning, and talking to her on the phone until I collapsed three hours before I had to leave for the airport.

Proud of myself, I made it to the airport on time (never been there before), and walked into the terminal as she was walking out of her gate. Perfect. And then L (the guy from last September) stepped from the shadows and proceeded to take over. Well, ok, maybe not quite like that, but I felt that way. As we all walked, got her luggage, walked outside for her smoke, I felt a little sad already. Perhaps I was selfish, but I wanted MY friend to myself. Dammit, we’d been planning this forever it seemed! And yet…when it came time to leave the airport, she completely scratched all previous plans for a hotel and agreed to follow him to his place. WTF?! I tried to shrug it off, figured we’d do our own thing shortly, shoot, it was still early morning, on 10AM, plenty of time. It was D’s vacation, I didn’t want to be petty and whine/complain, nor ruin I for her from day one.

We headed to Coronado, to his place, and while I was trying to remain calm, act as if I didn’t fucking care, I started to panic. D unloaded her suitcase, and not wanting to be the dork, I unloaded mine. Fuck! I was stuck! I wanted to ask her “what about me?” but I just followed them up to his apartment. Disappointed.

Friday we found lunch, had some drinks during the day, and eventually went out that night to a local bar. All day I apparently made a slip up with my words and provided them with something to be made fun of for the next three days. I tried to warn them, let them know I’d been having problems speaking lately…words missing, sentences just not coming out right, but I don’t think they heard me, nor cared. I’m really not quite sure what was so funny, but I tried to laugh it off. I tried. Considering it was regarding water and we were in Coronado, the joke NEVER ended, I swear.

Anyhow, that night, feeling quite disconnected from D while at the bar, as they talked next to me, I turned to the two guys besides me. I had a decent conversation with one, then eventually the other. The second’s fascination with 80’s music helped and I found myself forgetting the fact I was actually there with D, though she was mostly outside smoking throughout the night. Needless to say, we ended up back at L’s place, I brought back my new friend…and the next evening after L & D woke up (bar friend left earlier), all they could do was make fun of the guy. WTF?

Again, I tried to shake it off, kept telling myself it wasn’t a big deal, D was just acting that way because L was that way. Ya know…always funny. Or at least thinking he’s funny. I discovered on the second day in his company that he really wasn’t that funny at all. In fact, most of his stories seemed just that, stories, and so completely exaggerated I eventually didn’t believe a single thing he told us.

Saturday, we did very little since they woke up so late in the evening we had breakfast at 8pm. As we headed out, I snapped at L because he told me to be quiet, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told him to stop talking to me if he wanted me to be quiet! 8:30PM and I’m not going to whisper OUTSIDE. Sheesh. So I stomped into the truck and waited, glaring. I wasn’t thrilled and was glad I finally did something, though not enough I guess. We went then went to a bar, had a few drinks, and crashed back at the apt. I felt dejected, a third wheel, unwanted, and I wanted to go home. I wanted to go around town with D, just driving, laughing, doing our usual thing, but it just wasn’t happening. I had no idea how to get across to D how much I didn’t want to be there, but instead I fell asleep on the couch crying.

Sunday, D and I actually went to San Diego, had dinner/drinks at a place we went last year. We walked the beach awhile, and for a few hours I was very happy. She mentioned to him that she told L the night before why I snapped, that I “needed some girl time”. I wanted to scream “hell yeah, it’d be nice to spend time with my friend” but couldn’t. It seems that whenever I state my feeling abruptly around people they think I’m overreacting or haven’t taken my meds. So I told her, yeah…and that it was nice to be with just her. Afterwards, I was trying to get her to go to different clubs in SD but no matter what, she wanted to head back to Coronado. Gah. So back we went, myself nearly having a panic attack driving over that damn bridge.

Sadly, all we did was head out to another bar (argh!) and then drink, laugh at me (yeah!), and drink some more. I did manage to meet the most beautiful woman in the world (classic beauty is so hard to find), and she was the highlight of my night. We hit a late night diner after the bar, then crashed…again.

Monday morning, my second day off from work, I woke up at 11AM. I puttered around the place, talked online, tried to wake the two up, do whatever I could to NOT be by myself. A day off I took to spend with my friend and nothing, nadda, she was with someone else. At 2PM I took a shower, got ready, and started packing up all my stuff. Suitcase, camera, everything but my laptop; I eventually grew tired and took a nap. When I woke at 4pm to no sounds, no others awake, I packed up my laptop, left a note “D – I’ll see you around, I suppose – A” and left.

I do not suggest driving north on the 5 while crying. Very difficult to see the cars and road. But I did. D called me once but I can’t answer cell calls while on the freeway as I just can’t handle the tasks together. A little while later I called her, hoping she’d answer, but ended up leaving a message “give me a call if you’d like to do something”.

I haven’t heard from her since. She's leaving the 10th.

I keep telling myself her phone died (it was beeping before I left), but then I know she could find me easily online, through others. I called her Tuesday, left the same message, waited until Thursday, called again. This time, I added something different said “I thought you had come to visit me, but I guess I was wrong. Call me if you’d still like to do something.” Hurt, I tried to shrug it off, kept telling myself it’s nothing, she’ll call, I did the right thing.

I feel like crap. I KNOW I did the right thing in leaving, as I was NOT happy there. I did what was good for me, yet I can’t help but feel awful, wondering if I did something wrong for D to not call me back. I suppose I should’ve communicated my feelings earlier, told her how uncomfortable I was, but I didn’t want to be the bummer of a vacation.

What I don’t get is how this one guy she’d only met before (completely drunk during that time as well) and yet he had so much more weight than I did. She’s never been like this before in all the years we’ve known each other (we’re both 29, so….17 now I think). Guys have never trumped each one of us and she’s never been one to make fun of me, unless I started it first, very rarely continuing it.

I posting this because I need to get it out, though I have no idea what I’m expecting from anyone here. I would like feedback, but a part of me doesn’t really care what others think. I want my friend back and I feel so lost without her. I’ve had my heart broken by men numerous times over the years, but this…this heartbreak is by far the worst.

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Well I'll tell ya right now. D may be your best friend from high school, but it sounds like somewhere along the line you grew up and she's still in high school.

She obviously is the one at fault here and you need to stop wondering if her phone is broken and start getting angry. She flew there to be with you! Obviously you didn't make those plans to go to San Diego by yourself. And she is so inconsiderate that she didn't bother to tell you she'd made other plans.

See him "every couple of days if he's lucky" ;) My ass.

I think that D got away from her environment and did what so many young immature women do. She went nuts. No kid. No responsibility. No consideration for your feelings. Just thinking about herself and getting laid. Lovely.

If you feel you can't share your real feelings without getting angry, then I'd investigate that with a therapist, because I think you have every right to be angry.

Let her call you. She will. When she gets back to Seattle and her world of responsibility, she'll eventually, maybe realize what a jerk she is being. It may take a couple years. Sounds like you grew up faster than she did.

And don't let ANYONE make fun of your MI. That part just really pissed me off. Word finding due to medication or whatever is annoying and that your best friend made fun of that is inexcusable. She should be sentenced to looking up proper spellings for the rest of her life. :)

I think she'll come crawling back and want to be friends again. And I'm not saying dump a long term friendship because they are rare. But I'd either write to her or find a way to let her know all of what she did and how it hurt you. Otherwise it's going to be tough to go on being friends. Keep what you wrote here and use that as a start.

Good luck. I know how much this stuff hurts. I have a best friend I've known since we were in the womb. And we have 20 years on you guys. We've had ups and downs and "growing pains" - but we always come back together. You will too.

Once she gets her head out of her butt.

Breeze

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Well, this is how mature I am:

At the airport when Mr. Smartypants crept from the shadows? I'd done a ;) right there. I'm not going along for this ride, uh uh, no way. But I have been where you are, and unlike Breeze, my best friend (2 time different women) broke my heart and things were NOT repaired. I've tried with my latest BGF (best gF) and it just isn't working. Primarily because she doesn't *get* my MI, and has a "snap out of it" attitude toward it. But that was after an emotionally catastrophic series of events that broke us up 2 years ago when she got married. I won't get into the betrayals, but they were numerous, deeply wounding (for me) and worse, when I confronted her, her answer is, "I don't know what your problem was back then, you were really fucked up." In other words, she was not ONLY not open to my pain but said I was fucked up on top of it for feeling it. Like your friend, she stayed drunk for the 5 days that was her wedding extravaganza and was just a raving lunatic bitch, Leona Helmsly, "do this, do that, come here, DONT come here (where her new in-laws to be were--she married UP, as they say, and I honestly felt she didn't want the family meeting me and a few others as she was ashamed of where we come from). My drama...sorry, but I can relate.

Tread carefully with any reparation attempts with your so called best friend. She fucked up on so many levels, I don't think you're even dealing with the same woman you used to know. And any woman who dumps her best friend for a guy....grrrr.

Listen to Breeze's advice, I'm probably not a good one for advice at all, because my feeling is "fuck her, cultivate your new friendship and don't give the old gf any more opportunities to hurt you anymore."

Definitely let her come to you. I'm glad you left and took care of yourself, Jesus that just sounds horrible. NO excuse would be acceptable to me, but I've been accused of being hard core and a bitch, but I take care of my feelings these days and fuck what everyone else thinks. The more defensive the get, the more guilt they feel, and want a place to put it so they put it on you. I call this a shit sandwich and I hand it back to them politely and say, "no thanks, I don't eat shit sandwiches anymore."

Gah. I'm rambling, I hope it makes sense, but don't even for a minute second guess that you weren't fed a triple decker shit sandwich, that you had no way of knowing it was coming and you did a good job taking care of yourself. That they made fun of you makes me very angry too, and I love Breeze's punishment. Only SHE would think of something that medieval.

Well, I don't know you well, but we're here for you, please rant away, process this as much as you have to here.

Hugs if ya want 'em,

S9

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Sigh. I think I've spent so much time in my head last weekend defending D that I didn't want to face the reality. For a while I kept saying "she doesn't know what she's doing" but really, days later, i don't care. It's like the years I spent with my ex and the "I didnt mean to do that"...it doesn't matter what someone intends to do, it's the outcome.

Thank you for telling me how it is. Pride is a sucky thing sometimes when you don't know what to do with it.

I sat here reading, and a part of me knows why I just couldn't hang around anymore, and that's because I HAVE changed over the years. I'm not self-conscious like I used to be (even though I'm still nowhere near skinny), I am proud of myself, I know how to be around people I don't know, and I don't feel I have to rely on her to feel comfortable.

I remember driving away, thinking "people underestimate me".

I haven't called her. I want to, but can't. I look at the pictures taken the first few days and how happy I was. Dammit, this just sucks.

I spent all day yesterday in bed, unsure of the reasons, just knowing the world seemed ugly and I didn't want to face it. Today, I am going to attempt to face it.

Thank you for being brutally honest. Sometimes this stubborn Viking needs it more than anything.

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It's like the years I spent with my ex and the "I didnt mean to do that"...it doesn't matter what someone intends to do, it's the outcome.
after many years of therapy and letting people treat me badly I have adopted a new commandment for myself:

"Don't listen to what people say, listen to what they do." Because words don't mean shit unless they are backup with consistent action. And I have no mercy for a liar.

I'm sure you know you're grieving, roll with it.

She doesn't deserve you as a friend, really. Not to say she isn't lovable and a wonderful person on some level(s) and if she's really in love with Mr. Coronado, love does render us self-centered and oblivious to the pain of other, BUT, if she was not fucked up on some level(s) you would have known what was going down before arriving. She didn't give you a choice in advance, and I think that was on purpose. Because she KNEW you would have not wanted to hang through that. She wanted it all, HIM and YOU. Well cool, but inform ME, please.

Oh well, I rant too much. I just hate to see people in this particular kind of pain, it pushes a bunch of my buttons, can you tell?

Be good to you, sounds like you are.

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you're not at fault for anything here. that was insanley rude of your friend to not be clear about the situation ahead of time. i have no advice on how to handle this, i'm going to second S9 and say listen to breeze on this one.

i'm sorry this happened. but it doesn't reflect on you. hormones are stupid things. your friend fucked up, but not because you aren't a great person. she just fucked up hardcore.

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Ditto on everything already said.

I haven't called her. I want to, but can't. I look at the pictures taken the first few days and how happy I was. Dammit, this just sucks.

Yes, yes it does. I would recommend making every effort to resolve this, instead of just letting it go. Write an honest email, tell her that you are upset that you guys didn't spend more time together, that you were really looking forward to it - all while trying your damnedest not to be hostile. Don't just let this go if you really want to keep the friendship. If she doesn't respond... well, then she is just lame. Sorry to say so. The ideal situation probably would have been to say something last weekend, but I understand why you didn't. Don't make excuses for her though. Let her make them.

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I'm kinda confused. When you went to Coronado, had you intended to stay in a hotel with your friend? And that's why you brought your suitcase? And then you went instead to this dude's apartment? And you slept on the couch or something while they were going at it in the bedroom?

How freaking awkward!!

If this is all the case, then I agree that your friend was being a jerk. I think that she intended to spend most of her time with him, BUT she didn't want to hurt your feelings, so she never told you that. It would have been so much cleaner and neater if she had simply said that she wanted to spend most of her week with him, and would spend one day with you. It would have hurt you, I'm sure, but it would have been the grownup way to handle it.

And, having the boyfriend AND you pick her up at the airport? What is up with that? Did you each come in your own vehicles to pick her up? So, how did you all end up in the same vehicle? She should have told ONE of you that the other was picking her up. She sounds like she just can't say, "No," and doesn't want to make waves. But by not saying no, she created a hugely awkward and painful situation for you.

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I'm kinda confused. When you went to Coronado, had you intended to stay in a hotel with your friend? And that's why you brought your suitcase? And then you went instead to this dude's apartment? And you slept on the couch or something while they were going at it in the bedroom?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, though it's not like I could hear them...but still. Same room same bed, me on the couch. Not fun.

So...it's been over a week since I left, and two days since D has returned to Seattle. I've seen her Myspace page updated, so she made it ok. No calls from her, even though I called her Monday to wish her a good flight and asked if she could just let me know she got home safe.

I made one last call, told her I'd like to talk, that I don't know what happened, wish I did. And...that's it. Not going to call anymore. I'm back to anger again. Sigh. I need to need take the time and write her a letter, do the snail mail, knowing it gets to her and don't want to be crass by doing it via email. I'll send it off and that'll be it. If no reply, then I guess it's over. Sure would be nice to be proven wrong in this situation.

I went to the gym today...usually spend an hour and a half...spent over two. I just kept going...and going...had to. Anger, frustration, questions...I just resisted and made it through. Sure going to feel it the next couple days lol, but at least I will sleep well tonight.

Thank you all for listening...I'll keep ya posted if anything changes. The hardest part is everyone asking me how the time with D went and I have to decide if I tell them "all fucked up" or "we had some good times" (which I had...some). It's like someone asking how your ex-boyfriend is without knowing you're not together anymore. Beyond akward. I dread when my mom asks...

Meanwhile...I'm actually pretty damn happy right now. My daughter will be home next month, work is going good (albite very busy), and my libido has kicked in again, so I'm walking around with smiles, lol.

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