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I got a problem.

My bf and I broke up after being together on and off for 5 years. Mabye I'm on the rebound or something. I've been a little giddy lately, and have been chatting it up with everybody around me. Mabye a little manic. Anyway, I met this wonderful guy. He's like everything I ever wanted in a man. Just seems perfect...except he's HIV positive. I have the biggest crush on him and it's totally stupid. We have talked for hours on end, but never anything sexual. I just got tested and to my HUGE relief I was negative, just last week. I'm too scared to even kiss this guy, but I really want to. It's really messing with my head. I really want this guy, I don't want a disease, and I feel like I'm not giving him a fair chance because he's positive. I know you can have safe sex and have low risks of transmission, but I just can't take that risk. Not after I just found out I'm negative. I guess I just need some reinforcement that not doing anything with him is the right decision. He's not pressuring me or anything, and completely understands if I just want to be friends. But I want more than that! See my problem? He's the sweetest, nicest, and cutest guy I've met in a LONG time. I'm all tore up. I'm crushing on this guy like crazy, thinking of the possibility of a great relationship that can never happen. I'm so frustrated I just gotta vent. I'm manic or rapid cycling or some sort of hell, which means more drugs which means more sedation. UGH. And just like that I start spiraling downward into depression. Then I think of him, up again, HIV, down again. I'm tired of medication, I'm tired of being bipolar, I'm tired of being terrified of a disease I don't have. I don't want to call the RN, I don't want to explain my situation to her. I want to sit up all night and chain smoke and dream about drinking. Most of all I want to be with this guy. God, I read back over this post and realize how crazy I feel. It's 3 a.m., guess it's time for more zyprexa. The 10mg I took earlier hasn't even phased me. Mabye I should cross-post this in the bipolar forum.

Anyway, I gotta wrap this up sometime, does anybody have any advice, suggestions?  I'm at a total loss right now, completely torn, and crazy.

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Okay, whoa.

YourEvilYou-who-has-not-put-his-avatar-back-up-much-to-my-irritation, I think you pegged it in your first, and perhaps also third, line.  Rebound city.  Probably manictown as well.  It is very common for people coping with a recent breakup to start flinging a net around hoping to catch something to fill the painful void the SO used to occupy.  If you're also manic (clue: "I've been a little giddy lately") that's going to make this harder to contain, and I think you're showing a great deal of self-possession in being able to recognize this possibility at all.

1)  He ain't perfect.  Nobody is.

2)  He has a disease that you've made yourself sick with fear of for ages.  Don't judge him for being Pos, but realize you will never be completely safe from transmission.  You're probably not in a good place to go back there right now.

3)  Friendship-without-sex is just dandy, and by all accounts should come before friendship-with-sex anyway.

4)  Condoms.

5)  Not doing anything with him is the right thing.  If something develops over a reasonable amount of time (no, half an hour is not a "reasonable amount of time") then so be it, but these long fascinating conversations sound very worthwhile even if you don't so much as play footies under the table.  Now, if you can get off doing that, more power to you.

6)  Condoms.

7)  Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your BF without jumping into something else.  Spend time with non-coital friends.

8)  Economy-size box of condoms.  Don't make me come over there and dope-slap you.

Just be easy on yourself, friend.  Things will get better.  And in the meantime, there's always something to be said for "self-love".  And if you ever need any help with that -- oh, never mind.  *sigh*  ;)


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Thank you for your reply Cerberus, you make things alot clearer for me. You're way better than my therapist :) I guess it also helps that I'm all doped up on zyprexa now, so I got the mania calmed down quite a bit. Your list is dead-on. It's amazing to me how you could get all that from my crazy post in the middle of the night. You're right. I don't think I can go back to worrying about being hiv positive again, not when I'm trying to stay stable. Manic and rebounding is a sucky combo ;) I need to give myself a 2 month no sex (with anybody else) rule and see how that works. I don't want to stop talking with this guy, but I know I can refrain from sex. If anything happened it would DEFINATELY be with condoms, no doubts there at all. I vow to never have unprotected sex with anyone again, that's easy after the scare I had. I guess now I just wait to level out and hope this crush fades or something. Now I just need some non-coital friends to pass the time with. Anyways, thanks for your reply.

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