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The long bleak summer


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I guess i jsut kinda faded out of the blue here but i started getting really depressed and inverted and could barely make myself get up in the morning let alone turn on the computor. School finished and ahead lies a long, bleak summer of nothing. I tried to get involved in things, sports, a job all of it. Nothing seems to be workingg. I got my hopes up really high for this one job becuse they seemed to love me at the interview and loved my resume and told me id make such a positive influence to their work force and all of that crap. Two days later they call me back and decide that im just not for them, later that dayy i found out that they hired 5 kids from my school who are high 24/7. I just cant see how these kids would be better at this job then me, stoners !? gahh i dont know what happened i kinda just fell apart the few days following that deciding that i was odviously not good enough for them and couldnt do ne thing right becuse no one ever wants me = ( . I made several attempts at cutting but then just gave up and burned my hips with a hair straightener ... sigh. Then my report card comes, i know i did fairly well (all marks over 85 % ended up with an average of 89%) and gave it over to my mom, she looks at it then sighs all dissapointed liek im liek what what did i do now !? i thought i did well , she just gives me the "im dissapointed in yu look" and says yu couldve done so much better yu diddnt even tryy, next years going to be different blah blah blah. Wtf s her problem im not a frigging genius like she expects me to achieve some like 96 % average gahh i just cant do it. Home is so hard to deal with they all constantly rag on me. I dont do enough around the house, im always in my room i dont participate in the family. The biggest set off was when i finially decided to come down and eat dinner with them my sister looks at me and is like "why are yu here, i dont want to sit at the dinner table with yu" she gets up and leaves. My mom just lets her walk away doesnt even make her sayy sorry. My mom doesnt understand how she makes me feel, always calling me fat, stupid ugly, misfit dissapointment. I cant do ne thing to please them or myself. im jst sickk of never be right, or good or special or something that some one can be proud of. I guess this is just a rant but im sickk of never being good enough , i miss the loved feeling they used to give me, i jsut want out becuse im suffocating here :'(

im sorry.

-xx

i just feel liek hurting and hurting and hurting until there is notihng left to be , nothing left for me to hurt. Nothing left for them to see, fade away into nothing, for good. -sigh-

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;) Is there something you would like to volunteer for? Getting out and volunteering until you find a job you like will give you a sense of purpose. It is also a chance for you to gain independence and pride in your identity

And unfortunately you will always feel inadequate when you try to please other people. You are not a failure just because your family wants you to be what they want you to be. How would your mom or sister feel if they had to constantly please you and nothing they did was good enough for YOU. They would be trying to live their lives thru you like you seem to be doing for them. Its your life not theirs and its time they accepted you for the unique, creative, one of a kind person that you are. Is it fair to a human being to try and bend and mold themselves into what others want them to be? You feel like a disappointment because you are being made to feel as if there is something wrong with you. I would have a talk with your sister about the nasty names she calls you, and also its HER problem that she jumps up from the table when her own sibling comes down to dinner.

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I dont thinkk that my mom and sister would ever feel not good enough for me, becuse that are already so much better then me. I am a dissapointement becuse there is something wrong with me. there is no denying that. its hard to change and love yurself when yuve hated the person who yu are for 16 years. forever being made feel liek the mistake in the family (which i have been told over and over again) mom always wanted two children ... not three, and i came at the "wrong time in her life" bahh. She treats my sister like she is the queen of our family, always getitng what she wants getting to do what she wants to do, almost as if im invisible and only seen to be poked fun at -sigh-.

todayy was bull, sister had a friend over decided to go through my room finding all of my personal items then use them to tattle on me and make fun of me ;) i think she enjoys making me cryy, then calling me a pussy. she is probably right im just a big depressed babyy who is sickk of breathing.

maybe im just being a pushover not standing up for myself and fighting back but i cant,

i cant wait until im out ...

:)

I recently started volunteering at this blood pressure clinic thing that goes around to all the local festivals and fairs to taking peoples blood pressure. I just kinda invite ppl in and explain to themwhats going to happen and all of that. its not great fun but it gets me out of the house

grr i feel like hurting myself

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You really should beat her ass for going in your things. Cant you put a lock on your door? Is it possible for you to move in with a relative?? Your family is abusive and they have brainwashed you into believing that you are a loser. You should go to your sister and tell her to back off, and would she like it if you rifled through her things. Where is the father of the family. You are a sensitive young lady who has a bright world ahead of her !

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I can relate to the sibling issues with my sister going through my stuff and tattling over my personal writings and other hidden things. Except my sister and I were particular violent towards one another. We came to a mutual understanding once she hit the teen years that I would beat the hell out of her and engage in an all out brawl with her if she invaded my privacy. We fought like two boys for the longest time. I finally got sick of it and moved out and now I'm in college and don't have to deal with it anymore. I can symathize with parents being verbally abusive as well. For the longest time I was told how dumb I was and how fat I was. I wasn't fat at the time, but perhaps dumb. They would joke about how much I ate and told me to run away and stick my finger down my throat. I knew their intentions were just joking in manner, but deep down, it really ate at me. And I don't think they know how much it hurt me inside when they would make comments to disestablish my self-esteem. I just chalked it up as my parents were as dumb as I was and eventually developed a thick skin superficially but my inside churned. Eventually it all exploded into a crushing depression. I'm still dependent on them for help with medical expenses and the like, but I'm always intimidated and too proud to ask for their financial help. I know they love me and would do anything for me, but I developed a nasty sense of independence from their comments to me when I was younger. Although they usually tried to keep my sister and I equal, I can't help but to believe they favored my sister more. I'm the oldest, so I should be more responsible than she is. I'm also the failure in the family for being sick. So I guess I understand their favoritism towards her. This is turning into a thread hijack so i'm going to stop. I just wish you luck and my only advice is stand firm with your sister and don't put up with her bullshit. I'm sure you are stronger than you think. Stand firm, you don't necessarily have to resort to violence like I did with my sister. But stand firm with your boundaries and don't put up with her shit.

Good luck.

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SHe says my mom gave her permission to go in there and get a magazine or whatever, she just likes to hurt and annoy me. and believe me we have gotten violent towards eachother before, she'll go into my room and onto my computor and start reading emails and whatnot and ill throw her out but it usually works out into a full out brawl with my mom and dad involved and me getting the worst of it. shes about 3 years younger 3 inches taller. I cant compete with her, she is everything and more then my mom could want in adaughter, my sister knows this and enjoys being the favourite. She laps up all the attention. My relatives feel the same as my mom, im no good. I rarely ever get invited to family outings or dinners or ne thing like that and when i do they call me there just to tell me what else ive failed on in life and how im growing up to be no one and notihng.

You are a sensitive young lady who has a bright world ahead of her ! - thankk yu sensation, but if yu really knew me yu wouldnt sayy that.

((((((((((((needsleep)))))))))))) im sorry to hear that yu had a hard ime growing up too. The things yu said i can relate to completly , i too am the oldest and get treated like i dont have a right to be in this family. If yu can even call it a family.

luckily todayy everyone has gone out and left me alone, i only hope their good moods keep.

-xx

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