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So I've been unmedicated for a few months now, and of course I've dropped back into my former self. I don't experience depression so much as sadness and suicidal idealation, as much as extreme irritability and violence. I can't bear to be around people in general, and the littlest things send me over the edge.

Now usually this would come and go while on meds, and it wouldn't really last more than a day or two. But this time, it's been the best part of the last 2 months, and absolutely nothing helps. I used to find smoking made me easier to get along with, but right now, nothing. Ativan sometimes mellowed me out, but it's relatively useless now.

I don't really have a problem with being bitchy per se, but it's so hard to keep any sort of relationship from tanking. I think the only reason my family puts up with it is just that, because they're family. Friends are a lot less forgiving.

Any suggestions on how not to completely isolate myself? I simply cannot quash my hostility. I'm supposed to see my pdoc on wednesday, but I doubt he'll give me medication (It's kind of complicated).

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Make sure you talk to at least one person each day. Whether its at the grocery store or laundry mat clerk, etc. Go sit in the library for an hour or two and read a magazine. Just try to get out each day for an hour or two. Try and disect out what causes the hostility and eliminate it from your life. traffic is bad in my area so I started driving during nonpeak hours to cut down on my road rage...

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Well, I hope you can get meds. But if not, there are things.

First off, you have to take care of yourself so you don't have some bad feeling making you more cranky. That means, if you can, trying to get regular sleep. Also, balanced meals. No carbo binging, or any other binging. I'm not saying go on a diet, I'm saying don't eat past your appetite, and don't try to get by with way too little either, or with just one meal a day. Basic idea is to keep your blood sugar and energy from bouncing up and down.

Then, and I recommend this a lot for a lot of things, exercise. For a long time, not just smacking a punching bag (unless you can keep it up for 40 minutes) or lifting. Walks are good. The other day I swam with my s.o. in cool water for maybe 25 minutes. Amazing how much more relaxed I felt after.

If you feel like you're going to lose it and say something damaging, get out. With some people, you may want to tell them that you are going out to put your head back together for a few minutes and will be back. Then take a walk and try to think about things with less vitriol.

My s.o. says it helps, when I'm feeling like this, to make clear that my irritation doesn't have anything to do with her. At the time, it feels a bit hypocritical, since she insists on continuing with the molecular clanks (i.e. quieter than a pin dropping, but not zero), not reading my mind, etc. But it turns out to be honest when I get a bit of a grip.

Some people can find a bit of relief in writing, but they can also crank themselves up that way.

SOme people get good results with meditation.

Hope you find something that works.

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