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Still Freaking Out!


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Hiya-

This is boring, I know, but I wanted to share.

My heart beats out of my chest and my body clenches, and out comes the onslaught of raging anger, hopelessness, fear, and pain. I see it fresh in my vision, in my mind's eye, in my heart.

At first, I acted on autopilot, just to plan the whole activity. And I set up his service, wrote the eulogy, everything. It was just a dissociation- nothing in me participated. I just did what the voices told me to do.

(i wasn't on an antipsychotic at the time).

The pain has come, the wound has opened wide for all the blood to gush out and all the insects to eat at it. There are so many insects- meaning "what if" things that run through my mind, unchecked. I feel powerless over my own mind.

So for you dad

No rain can wash away my tears, no wind can sooth my pain...

loon

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Hiya-

This is boring, I know, but I wanted to share.

My heart beats out of my chest and my body clenches, and out comes the onslaught of raging anger, hopelessness, fear, and pain. I see it fresh in my vision, in my mind's eye, in my heart.

At first, I acted on autopilot, just to plan the whole activity. And I set up his service, wrote the eulogy, everything. It was just a dissociation- nothing in me participated. I just did what the voices told me to do.

(i wasn't on an antipsychotic at the time).

The pain has come, the wound has opened wide for all the blood to gush out and all the insects to eat at it. There are so many insects- meaning "what if" things that run through my mind, unchecked. I feel powerless over my own mind.

So for you dad

No rain can wash away my tears, no wind can sooth my pain...

loon

You are one tough cookie and I hurt for you. You should get a mod to move this to your letter to Dad in the grief and dying (not that PTSD isn't part and parcel) for continuity sake. I say this because you write such poignant letters to and about him. To have them all in one place, where we can reflect on the entirely of your written experience.

This is ONLY a suggestion, that you move it, you can tell me to shove it up my arse.

But your notes to dad have been inspiring me to start a thread similiar to it on the grieving experience I've had am having for my husband.

In either case, I can't say "I know what you feel like" I can however comisserate in having a huge hole in my heart that is taking a long time to heal. For me it's been 5 years in October since Bradley died of cancer.

Stay Strong,

S9

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