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Trigger for long self-loathing post


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I'm new to posting here, but i've been lurking for some time. I'm really struggling with depression recently. I thought I was doing great for a long time, after coming off of a manic phase. I got the right med combo and everything seemed great. I was content and doing well. I could get my school work done, do other work, go out with friends etc.. Now I'm at the point where the smallest things seem to make me have a melt down and I bawl over it. I'm coming close to graduating from college after a very difficult time struggling with MI. I'm struggling over what I am going to do after I graduate, what kind of job i'm going to get, if I'll get a job, wondering about money, how the hell i'm going to pay off student loans that are the equivalent of a house mortgage, other debts from going crazy, legal issues and a slew of other what seem like minor problems that are exploding into massive issues in my mind. Although my problems seem miniscule in comparison to all of you guys here, I'm really struggling with them.

I want to isolate myself from the world right now. I want to stay away from doctors, therapists, friends, classes...basically I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out. Some days I just feel life isn't worth living anymore. I'm a burden on everyone, my parents, my friends, and the pain from my own burden seems to be overwhelming. I'm trying to avoid self-injuring, but the feelings seem to be creeping back and intruding on my thoughts to a point where that's all I think about. I feel like a failure. Everyone had such high expectations for me, then I got ill, and now I'm just a burden on everyone else. A financial and emotional drain to my family, an emotional drain on my friends when I divulge my problems, and I am drained myself. I'm just tired of everything and everyone. Although I have no specific plans of suicide, I can't help but think about how easy it would be just to end it all. Then I wouldn't be a burden on anyone and my pain would end. But when I'm thinking about it, I can't help to think about my parents picking on my remains, my life, my body, and I envision their faces and tears in their eyes. The prospects of what their faces would look like is etched in my brain and I cannot ignore it. And I cry over that. I feel stuck. I'm hurting them for being sick, but I would hurt them for ending it all. I just don't know anymore.

I tried various anti-depressents and had various effects. My last trial with an anti-depressent was Cymbalta after a lengthy bout of crushing depression. It launched me into manic hell, where I was two steps away from wearing all white and sleeping in a padded room. I was then put on lamictal, seroquel, and klonopin. Although my dosage of lamictal is only at 100mg--half of the theraputic dosage, I was feeling stable for quite sometime and it was agreed there was no need to increase my dosage. Now I'm wondering if I should seek another anti-depressent trial, or raise the lamictal. I know I need close guidane by a doctor for med readjustment, but right now I want to hide from my doctor and therapist and ease away from them. Thinking this is just another mood that'll pass and I just need to pull myself up by my boot-straps and figure things out on my own. I don't know anymore. Everything is a contradiction. I better stop before I write a book about "my oh not so difficult self loathing life". Just a vent.

Thanks.

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Oh the bootstrap method! The one I use til a friend says, hey, call the pdoc!

Actually, your post explained things quite well. Print it out and take it in to pdoc?

Yeah, change is scary and puts us back in old not-so-helpful behaviors. but it seems to happen consistently. Yeah maybe pdoc could up lamictal a tad...after all these changes, if you've been ok before on a med regimen, you probably will again.

Feels like the pits I bet,

Wish you well,

Luli

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I'm wondering if you're sufficiently stressed by your upcoming graduation and the big changes that will mean that you got pushed over the edge. Hoping a change to your meds will enable you to cope. Make sure you go and see your tdoc and pdoc. If you can't do anything else, at least do that. But if you can do other things, try to get outside. Even if you can't really cope with people, don't stay in your room and get cabin fever.

Your current perceptions are being filtered by depression in a bad way.

Don't think your problems are miniscule. If they bother you this much, they're real problems. If the inside of your head is what's messed up (temporarily, I hope), that's not a trivial thing, so don't feel bad if you can't magically shrug it off. Get help for that, as you need it, until you're feeling better.

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