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Dysphoric States


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Right now, I think I'm in a state of dysphoric mania. I have all the energy of mania, with the pain of depression and lack of inspiration to get anything done. Isn't that a contradiction!

Anyone out there feeling the same?

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Oh man. This is the state I lived in for a long time while on two ADs and nothing else. Right now I am in this state pretty bad partly because of withdrawal from Trileptal. I'm taking Ativan and last night took a Seroquel and it feels like they didn't do a thing. Thankfully I'm going up to 5mg Zyprexa tonight, but I'm not sure if that will do it either. This is getting scary because I don't know what it will take to calm me down.

My skin kind of tingles and I want to jump out of it. I'm depressed but can't relax even though I want to lie down. Hard to get anything done. I can't tell if it's dysphoric hypomania or just bad anxiety. Last night I had bad insomnia which isn't a good sign.

Does an increase in Zyprexa help you with this? I thought you went down or off WB?

How about cognitive therapy or deep breathing. (Ha)

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I'm not mixed right now. But I've spent most of my life after age 12 in a hypomanic/dysthymic mixed state, with multiple major drops into hypomanic/depressed, three drops into just depressed (which I misidentified as 'being fine' because I wasn't anxious), and occasional normal states while on medication.

When I first read the Cyclothymia Collective woman's description of cyclothymic mixed states, I said my god, that describes my personality, that's who I am.

But apparently it isn't "really" my personality. Who knew?

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How about a nice bath or maybe a relaxing walk? ;) KIDDING!

Lack of motivation. Complete indifference to work, other people's problems, and personal hygiene. Perhaps that was oversharing. Irritable and snarky. Exhausted all the time, but can't sleep. God, I'm just so fucking cranky. Happy/snarky/happy/miserable/snarky/apathetic/happy/snarkymcsnarkerton

This sucks and it makes me crabby that it sucks.

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I'm here right now. I've been pacing around my house all day instead of loading the dishwasher or giving my children all but the minimun amount of attention. At the same time I am depressed and cry at the drop of the hat. I found a lump in my breast and find myself hoping it's cancer so I can get some attention and possibly even death. Death would be a relief, but not at my own hands. I think this must be a mixed state from hell.

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I was dysphoric as hell last night - I'm pretty sure mine is related to pre-menstrual brain-swelling and whatever else it does to the body.

Symptoms include hating myself, feeling worthless, mild depression (I'm on Paxil now, otherwise the depression would not be mild) anger, agitation, restlessness that runs through my entire body, and the urge to be self-destructive. Whee! Who wants to hang out? Just kidding.

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I was dysphoric a year or so ago when I was hospitalized. I felt like I was full of unbounded energy which did nothing but fuel the "I hate myself" engines, revving them up higher and higher. At the same time I wanted to crawl out of my skin or better still, leave my entire body. All the while hearing psychotic voices telling me to go to a specific place across country and kill myself in a specific way. When I saw an overpass and didn't know what it was, I knew it was time to tell my therapist that something weird was wrong.

Tommy

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erm, I feel like Noemie, JBella and Mad Genuis. To repeat the exact symptoms would hontest be verbatim what they posted. Yet my pdoc insists my problems are dysthymia, MDD, ADD, and GAD, I am so cofused about this BPII stuff, even after reading AM's pinned articles.

What you guys describe as a *mixed state* is how I have felt my whole life. It's not that I care what they call it, I truly don't. But I'm getting concerned that he's not listening as I have been on Cymbalta (great for awhile) and nothing else for almost a year--even though I went on cymbala coming OUT of an MDD episode that landed me in the nuthouse on suicide watch, and I'm slip sliding my way there again. One step forward, two steps back kinda shit.

When my TEN year old, cartoon clown boy, started showing signs of depression, I went into "everythings okay, and that's that" big time. I had a dissociative split that has gotten milder, but Im still not fully integrated and I'm not sorry. I LIKE this detachment from my emotions, IOW, no emotions for the most part, and that's sad. But I will not perpetuate this illness if I can help it and will not have my children witness this as long as I have the strength not too. I know it's an illusion but I'm gonna milk it til a: I break, or b: I find a new and more competent pdoc. Something tdoc is helping me do.

This does most fucking bite the big one, I'll say that.

Here's to hanging on...whatever that means.

S9

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Not quite. Well, not right now. In January and February, hell yeah. Right now, I'd say I'm in an agitated hypomania. Not bad enough to be called dysphoric, but certainly not euphoric. Sleeping four or five hours a night, getting up at five in the morning because I've got to get stuff done. Oops, I just got distracted from this post for about ten minutes, looking online for library jobs to apply for, and I forgot I was typing a post. I don't even know what made me think of that. I am not physically tired at all but I just get so sick of being awake and I want to turn my brain off because it's always on and I'm always focused on something and I can never relax. Always thinking, always planning, and there's never enough time for all the stuff I want to do. Most of this agitation I manage to keep purely in my head and I don't fidget or anything too much. Well, I'm pretty bad when I have to wait in line, but not the rest of the time. I'm avoiding people because if I'm not around people it doesn't matter so much if the paranoia comes back. If it comes back and it's bad and I start screaming at strangers or I hit someone, well, that'd be really, really bad, and I know how hard it is to fight it without medication, so I just have to try to keep it away. It's going okay. It's been almost two weeks since I was really paranoid.

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Yeah Loon I'm there a lot. Frantic depression. Right now I'm on the flip side and just want to decay in the corner. Entropy.

A good lot of the time I'm frantic and anxious but depressed. The world seems harsh and cruel and I can't eascape it. I think what I'm going through is psychotic dysphoria, Skewed neurotic delusions, hearing voices and stuff, but other wise in a depressed dysphoric state...God, I hope this post makes some sense

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Been there, done that.

Incidentally (in light of recent events, at least), it involved much mentioning of sand and vaginas. And c*nts. After I got fired from my job in Baltimore, last November.

It was enough of a personality change from my normal linguistic puritanism that I nearly got kicked out of the house in which I lived at the time. Not that my disposition was that bad in and of itself, more that I'd gone from one pole to the other (surprise!).

Lamictal managed to bring me down from that, fortunately...

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Oops, I just got distracted from this post for about ten minutes, looking online for library jobs to apply for, and I forgot I was typing a post.

ask Her Tommy about libraries, as he is a librarian.

and everyone, what we experience is so common in some ways and in other ways not. personally, i'm not sure if my anxiety causes the dysphoria or if it is the other way around. i'm not sure where one or the other comes from. forget housework! forget work period (i'm jobless right now). forget it all!

but i do have a tdoc appointment today. maybe that will help. my pdoc will see me on monday. maybe we'll get another lovely med change!

(yes, i do see them often, they keep a very very close eye on me).

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Oh yes, so many here saying the stuff that's going on just about every day. Can't work, anxiety (social anxiety says pdoc) guilt, shame over everything I say to someone- like saying something, feeling guilty, trying to fix it, feel guilty for that, end up just feeling like a stupid shit. And that's not mentioning the depression coming and going,sometimes very agitated, irritable, restlesss, sometimes just blank and frozen. And yes- saying that if I got cancer I would not try to treat it- let it take me away. and getting attenion? My favorite it amnesia. Lots of attention but I wouldn't have to know myself.

But I actually think that Lamictal is helping- sometimes these things don't last as long and sleep is better.

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Ah, forgot to mention one??? more thing:

Anger, rage, disappointment sliding down the rabit hole to helplessness, grief-seems endless. I don't know if this is dysphoric or what. Can't work on it with tdoc, that's for sure. Her diagrams don't make it for me.

and "distorted thinking" that I used to think was being psychic (still do, sometimes) and I have to say- I am VERY confused!

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Okay-here's one:

Yesterday we ran out of TP and we had a roll of paper towels in the RR for use until someone could get their lazy unmotivated ass to the store. My son did a BM and he is 6. 6 yr. olds are notorious for being a little overzealous in the TP department. As he was yesterday. I went into the bathroom to flush because he has this problem w/ flushing potties(so does my daughter-4). What I find is my son used a LOT of paper towels. I flushed the toilet and the water started to rise almost all the way to the top. My heart dropped to the floor and i ran out of the bathroom.

See, I have a deep, pathological fear of overflowing toilets. I have had this intense fear my whole life. I don't know why. Maybe a childhood toilet-related trauma of some kind. I don't know.

My dh got out the plunger, which I will not go near. Plungers are evil. ;) It seemed to fix the problem.

Until the next morning when I was taking a shower.

I was in the middle of taking a shower when the toilet started making these loud gurgling noises. I looked out the shower curtain and the toilet was bubbling over. Instant panic attack. Toilet water drained into the shower. I tried to rinse off so fast, I got soap in my nose and mouth and then had an increase in my panic attack because I felt like i was drowning and I couldn't breathe. I finally got the hell out of the RR and walked quickly out of the bathroom wet and naked-on laminate floors- slipped, fell-OUCH!

My kids are peaking over the couch at me giggling(Mommy's crazy-hee hee). My dh looked at me like I finally lost it.

I had to take 2 xanax to calm down, while scrubbling my feet and legs that were in toilet water0ooohhh gggrrrooosssssssss!!

This is a fine example of my little world of dysphoric mania.

Does anyone else have a fear of overflowing toilets. It always sends me into a gut-wrenching panic attack. Don't know why. Mel

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^ No, but I just watched an episode of Frasier which centred around an overflowing toilet.

About two weeks ago I was trying to get Cap'n Crunch cereal out of the toilet so it would flush correctly, and there aren't even any children living with me.

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Wonder-??? yOu really must tell me about the Cap'n Crunch. I wish I had some. That sounds really good. I like peanut butter CC. mel

Oh yeah- what was the Frazier episode about?

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Wonder-??? yOu really must tell me about the Cap'n Crunch. I wish I had some. That sounds really good. I like peanut butter CC.

It's not much of a story. My brother poured himself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, but when he started to eat it he found out it had gone bad, so he wanted to get rid of it. He didn't really want to pour it in the garbage because then it would smell really bad (there was milk on it) and our garbage is only collected every two weeks, and he didn't feel like dumping it somewhere outside the house, so I suggested he flush it. Only I suggested he flush it a little bit at a time, but he tried to flush it half a bowl at a time, so it didn't really work. I helped him clean it up 'cause I felt kind of bad for suggesting he flush it in the first place and not really elaborating what I meant by "a little bit at a time."

Oh yeah- what was the Frazier episode about?

The toilet is broken and Frasier and Niles try to fix it, but that only makes it overflow. They call a plumber, and when he comes, he turns out to be the guy who bullied Niles in junior high and Niles is really upset about it. When the plumber calls for backup, the other plumber who comes is his older brother, who used to bully Frasier. SPOILER: Don't read this next part if you don't want to know what happens. The first plumber has grown up to be a fairly decent guy and he and Niles have a meaningful conversation about junior high, and Niles, being Niles, is treating this like a doctor-patient relationship (the bully discovers he bullied people because he wanted approval from his father). However, the older brother is still a jerk, so Frasier pushes the older brother's head in the toilet. The end.

Then the news came on and the girl who bullied me in junior high was one of the newscasters, so I turned it off.

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