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I'm losing my mind


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I can't stop pacing, checking my email, ignoring my dishes and my kids, moving my leg, I can't take this. No one calls me back when I leave messages. I feel like this new house I am in is trying to eat my soul. It's also haunted with two little girls, a man, and a sour old lady. They turn the tv on and off regularly. Maybe that's why I feel so insane. Maybe I need to smudge the house. Maybe I need to sprinkle salt around the house. Dont' think this is crazy, it's part of my religion. (Pagan with a twitch of Buddhism).

It's a mixed state, I know. I ran out of Abilfy last week. I take Lamictal 400mg. I am not suicidal but hoping I have cancer so I can get lots of attention then die. I know that sounds really selfish. But I"m sick of this. When I get in this state, my husband can call his parents or whomever and whine about how hard his life is with me like this.. And then they treat me differently. Or at least I can tell they think of me differently when i look in their eyes. And it's not about him. It's about ME. ME! For once in my goddamned life it's about ME.

I am here in the afternoon with children. I resent the hell out of them. I just want to get smashingly drunk and smoke some weed. I am not fit to be a mother. I am good with babies but then they turn into toddlers. I'm good with school aged and teenagers too. It's just this 2 to 7 year old age that I can't stand.

I have seven children. The youngest three live with me. They are all under the age of 6. I am a stay at home mom. I am good to them but it makes me crazy to live this tedious life. My husband is supportive but he doesn't understand when I get this way. He suffers from anxiety and depression but his Lex takes care of it. Lex made me manic. So did Prozac. Prozac was the worst. I wish there was a magic drug for us like there is for people who are just depressed and/or anxious.

I just moved. Out of my house of 12 years and my 12 and 10 year old went to live with their dad. I miss them so much every morning that I can barely get out of bed. They are my babies. I feel like part of me has died. Damn him for making things this way.. All my husband had to do was be nice to my daughters and we'd still be in the house and I'd still be with my children. I hate him for this.

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Try a small dose of benzo - xanax or klonopin.

You should definetely get some counseling for the fact that you say you resent the hell out of your toddlers. They totally depend on you, they are innocent, there is no way a toddler could DO something to make you resent them. Please don't take your anger out on your kids, or you are going to raise some fucked-up, angry children that will have issues for the rest of their lives.

You say you're not fit to be a mother, but the truth is, you HAVE kids, and you are responsible for them. Please take care of yourself, seek out some help. Counseling can help you to see where your resentment is coming from, and to help you learn other outlets for your anger instead of harming your children.

Kids need love, lots and lots of love. It is neglectful, abusive and ultimately damaging to deny them that.

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I don't abuse my children. They are fed, clothed, hugged and loved. It's just deep down inside that I wish my life was differnt. I feel so bogged down. I'm sorry that I made it sound like I acted angrily towards my children. I love them. I'm just having a nervous breakdown right now.

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Hi Waterfall

I was a stay at home mom of toddlers and I know how cagey and weird and crazy and angry and just GRRR ARRGH it can get. I'm BP, too, and nothing, no nothing is like being a stay at home mom with toddlers when you have BP. You have my sympathy, you have my respect and my heart totally goes out to you.

I know you're not abusing them, I know you're not neglecting them. I know what you're talking about. I know those feelings.

You need to find a way to get some Mom time. Out of the house. Away from your darlings. I know this can be hard. But brainstorm...think...can anyone help out? Relatives? A friend you can trade with? The YMCA? I don't know...I'm reaching...but something...some time to breathe for you. For your sanity.

Toddlers are nonstop, I need, I need, I need, I need. And they make a lot of noise. And they get into things. It's like they are on a mission to kill themselves and it's your job, all the live long day, to keep them from certain death. This is STRESSFUL. Admit it to yourself and let this be okay.

Now, the meds. If you need the Abilify, get it and don't let it lapse.

As for the other girls, I don't know. I read the story on another thread and it's a heartbreak. I wish I knew what to say about it. Counseling may help. Is there a way to increase their time with you? Is there a way that you can sit down with the girls alone and talk things over? Maybe come to better terms with them? Or is is just a done deal? Sometimes young girls get really emotional and make rash decisions. My daughter is thirteen and boy, is she a ball of emotions. And her relationship with her dad, who she doesn't live with, is a toughie. We have to talk about emotional situations all the time and she changes all the time.

I'm rambling, I guess.

I do want you to know, though, that I totally hear you about being home all the time and feeling stir crazy and resentful. It's normal. Moms at home get resentful and angry. No one can be "on" all the time. Back in the old days, moms had grandmas and aunties around to share the load. This mom all alone with little kiddies at home is h-a-r-d even for someone without the load of BP.

Take care. PM me anytime if you want to vent or anything.

~Cat

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"This mom all alone with little kiddies at home is h-a-r-d even for someone without the load of BP"

Cheshire sure got that right. (I had my boys only 16 months apart.)

And I totally understand you are not abusing the kids. And it is good that you are expressing your feelings even if they sounds crappy. It is natural to feel trapped when your have toddlers depending on you all the time.

I agree that finding some "Mommy time" things to do can help.

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I just joined a babysitting co-op. Im hoping that will help. I also got out of the house last night. I went to a friends house and floated around in his pool. It was such a relief to get out of the house for some r and r. If money wasnt su ch and issue and if I didnt just find a lump in my breast, I may not be flippiiiing out quite so badly. Thanks everyone!

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Waterfall, I have a 4 and 6 yr. old and I was a stay-at-home undiagnosed unmedicated BP mom when they were toddlers. I really understand how you feel. I have days when I feel resentful towards my kids and I don't even know why and then I feel so guilty. I know when I recognized myself screaming at my kids and laying on the couch all day and not sleeping all night, and when my 2 yr. old daughter asked my, "Mommy sick?" and then almost died(she's fine now) I decided to get help. Meds, therapy, help from family. I know how it feels to grow up w/ someone who is screaming at you and full of rage and I don't ever want my children to have to go w/ that.

I know somethings wrong when I start screaming at my kids and resenting them and feeling indifferent towards them. I know it's time for a pdoc & tdoc visit pronto. Somthing is not right. This is also a big signal that I need some time to myself. It's hard but you have to find a way when and however you can. Don't be too hard on yourself and get to pdoc. Klonopin could be a big help and it has a long half-life. mel

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This may seem totally like a stupid comparason or thing to say, but I know from having a PUPPY just how terrible it can be...

I never abused the puppy, gave it a lot of love and attention, however resented it and wished with my whole heart and soul that my cousin would move into her new place and take the dog away!!!

I can't imagine toddlers running around. I can't imagine even being pregnant!

It is good that you signed up for the co-op. just have some klonopin on hand for when it is your turn to watch the little monsters!

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I have a prn prescription for Klonpin, thank goodness. I am feeling a bit better today. My older kids are here which makes me feel better. I miss them so much when they aren't here. I also got out last night and will be getting out tonight too. That really is key. Thanks everyone for the suport.

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So glad to hear you got time out. That is KEY!

Don't ever let yourself believe that you don't somehow deserve that time. You need it. Like I said, for your sanity. It's true for all us moms. Hell, my two kids are 13 and 14, and I *still* need it.

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better. Sorry to hear about the lump. Yikes. Hope that turns out to be nothing...

~Cat

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This may seem totally like a stupid comparason or thing to say, but I know from having a PUPPY just how terrible it can be...

I never abused the puppy, gave it a lot of love and attention, however resented it and wished with my whole heart and soul that my cousin would move into her new place and take the dog away!!!

I can't imagine toddlers running around. I can't imagine even being pregnant!

It is good that you signed up for the co-op. just have some klonopin on hand for when it is your turn to watch the little monsters!

Exactly. Sometimes I find the responsibility of the dog to be overwhelming. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be bipolar with children.

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