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And the hits just keep on coming--

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I have been dealing with some of the worst, deepest, darkest depression I have ever known, due in part to no money, can't go back to work, husband unhappy with new job that brought us sown here, etcv.

It al came out this AM after I cried--screaming, really--for a good hour, and we both just hugged and said"Its my fault" , "no, itsmine". I finaly was able to tell him just how lost and hopeless I felt--I do nothing all day long, even tho I have "projects" I could be working on. I don't even take showers much any more, cause I never go out. Bless him, he understands, and just want me to "feel better and be well"--and he knows this is more than my back.

And then after he had gone off to work, and I had promised him I would try to do ONE thing today, just one, that was "fun"--I get an e-mail from my former boss, saying that they can no longer hold open for me the job I left before my back surgery, so I am now officially totally unemployed. I am terrified, and crying again, and basically hystgerical and unable to even get to the grocery store that I had carefully planned to do.

I know this is a huge whine, but I am just not able to get around all this. He wants to move, we can't afford to do that, I am horribly lonely, but thats because I just can't go out of the house and go places I could meet people (the local UU church, a pagan group I found, etc) I make the plans, then I just cannot go. I can't even get myself to the beach. I have gained 15 pound since the surgery--whcih is disgusting.

And now, no job, and not even a bad job waiting on the back burner, just n case.

Jesus, I just want to die--I am absolutely no good to anyone and just can't imagine living like this any longer

I dont' have any "plans" or any of that, but I just can't even begin to see my way out of this. I am faithfully taking all my meds, cant imagine where I would be if I wasn't. I almost wish I could summon up a good ole hypomanic thingy--even an old-fashioned anxiety attack would help.

Thank you, guys, for being my cyber -family--I am so lost.


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Damn China,

You have taken more than your share of crap this past year.

And now the depression is also keeping you captive in your own home.

I know money is an issue, but do you have pdoc or tdoc access? If not, what about a clinic that charges on a sliding scale?

You need some extra help girl, and have more than earned the right wave the white flag and get some assistance.

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oh...i hate to hear bad news. i fret so much for other's happiness.

i wish i could figure out the best way to help. unfortunately, there is no one way.

all i can say is that i believe we are only handed these obstacles in order to make

us stronger.

ok, cliche:

everything happens for a reason. ( i hate cliches, but this is so true) i believe this. there is a purpose out there and one day it will be known to us. and we will know that we were not being punished, we will be strong enough and prepared for whatever challenge faces us. and that challenge will be a good thing. something that you were meant to handle. something that will help others.

you are so allowed to worry. it is such a daunting thing. you just can't let the worrying consume you. it will only make it harder to make the right decisions. it will stall your growth.

you're still on the plus side. no more back pain. if you can live with that kind of pain, you will surely be able to come to the right conclusions.

hope this helped. i know it is easier said than done, but it can be done. don't give up hope. you've come a long way baby!

have a smiley kind of day!


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Heya China,

Ah crap. This just.sucks.

I missed you while I was away and I'm so sad to hear what's happening.


Your relationship with your husband is very positive. You're able to be honest and he understands that on top of *everything* you're also depressed.

There must be some kind of (however crappy) free care around. Just a phone number?? Someone to talk to in real time.

Sounds dumb/self-evident but get some sunshine. Here it's 41 degrees (that's ... I dunno, but a *lot* in Fahrenheit) but the mood from the sun is more than worth the crankiness from the humidity ... if that makes any sense.

I wonder about the employer thing. Is that legal?? Not sure. I would say think about that later when you can get up and sit in a chair and drink ginger ale and think. But I'd think about that at some point.

Keep up the honesty and openness with your husband and you two can make it, you can.

We're here.


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China, you are soooo lucky to have such a caring, understanding, and supportive husband. WoW! I don't think a lot of us MI's can claim the same spousal support. So, you've got that on your side. About the job:

I got fired from my last 2 teaching jobs in 2 yrs. I thought there was no way that I would be able to get another job. Thank the Universe and God, I actually got a job in what seems like it will be a pleasant work environment and it pays more!

For a teacher to get fired (contract non-renewed) 2 yrs. in a row is really bad. Didn't want you to think the odds weren't up against me. Have you thought about substitute teaching? I did that before I started teaching and I got paid 80$ / day(I know you're in the same state as me, so maybe it's the same). It's really good, because if you are having a really bad day, you don't have to work. And if the kids are bad, all you have to do is tell yourself( 34 more min., 27 more min. , well...you get the picture) And there is very little responsibility involved. You are more like a babystitter.

I don't know what to say except, it always eventually gets better. Hope you feel betterer soon, mel

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Took a shower, got meds refilled, and---made an emergency appt, with pdoc for next Tuesday.

So we shall see how the weekend goes--

thanks, guys--china

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Sounds dumb/self-evident but get some sunshine. Here it's 41 degrees (that's ... I dunno, but a *lot* in Fahrenheit) but the mood from the sun is more than worth the crankiness from the humidity ... if that makes any sense.

104.8F, a good 8 to 10C hotter than the Orlando forecast, and the humidity is pretty low - down around 50-60%

(But it's not in the 20-30% "look at all smoke from the brushfires" range)

So, wherever YOU are, it's Way Too Damn Hot.

Sunscreen time kids!

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Oh,you all count for so much--especially since the "wonderful understanding husband" in a matter of 3 hours truned into a nasty, mean, selfcentered, SOB all because I decided to go to the grocery store today, not yesterday. Never mind that I applied for unemployment (wehich took an hour) paid bills, took a shower, and started the laundry--oh, and made an emergency apt. with pdoc for Tuesday. And made sure he had a couple of choices for his 9"30 PM dinner. It was like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde--I have no idea what happened, but this AM he is still so pissed at me he won't even speak.

Its true what we learned in 3rd grade --"BOYS ARE DUMB"

So I am running around like a chicken today, getting the house clean, groceries, sheets changed, etc. and will try to do something "fun" that he can actually see so I will have accomplished "something" Maybe his goal was to piss me off to get me moving--but I can tell him, there are better ways to accomplish that goal, and which would NOT involve me not even wanting to be in the same room with him, not to mention the same BED.

I swear to fucking god, I do not understand. I just keep taking my meds and trying to plan out my week so I am accomplishing somethings. But I can tell you, if this mood prevails, it won't be good enough.

Damn, even when I was cycling every 20 minutes I didn't change THAT fast--

P.S. Just a technical note--my laptop is so old that the letters are wearing off the keys, and I am a lousy, look and peck typer, which makes it allthe harder, and leads to a miraid of weird typing, like the use of "m" for a comma--they are right next together, but the lettering is gone! Thanks for being able to read this shit--

love china, at a total loss for what to do or try to do next. (except running away, which I cannot afford)


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