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just cos I like writing about myself


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Hello... I know I'm not the most popular person on the boards and I doubt I'll ever get into the springer thing but I'm going to break my current state of general inertia by rambling about myself here. Don't feel like you have to read this - I do have good friends who know me pretty well and can offer advice. Let's say I'm simply a failed writer working off the frustration..

OK first entry, say up until the age of 18.

Childhood memories are confusing. Not sure I enjoyed it or didn't enjoy it. Still I come from a stable middle-class background and had friends and stuff. I do remember feeling very angry at people for not recognising my worth somehow. Aged about 6 I had fantasies of generating red glowing eyes to scare people who doubted or contradicted me and I had no doubt that if there was a float-up-to-the-ceiling contest to see who was the most intelligent in the classroom I would rise higher than anyone else. I was very shy and bullied at first school for being wimpy. I had only had one friend there who I used to hang around with the entire time. Later on we both went on to the same high school and got bullied cos people thought we were gay for always hanging round together. Let's see what other badness I can pull out of childhood: memories of parents hitting me a lot for acting up; memory of dreaming about my Grandfather's death (and my own) the night before he had his freak heart attack and died; memories of generaly being scared of the harder kids; and I couldn't tell the time or even understand the concept of time until the age of nine, which set me back loads in maths. There was a general feeling of frustration, of not being paid attention to and abused by the world. But that could be exagerating - homelife was generally pretty normal and I got taken on amazing holidays and stuff.

High school was a mixture of easy academic success and social hell. Girls weren't allowed until the sixth form (age 17/18) which probably did no good for later life. I believe the seeds of my deep-rooted laziness were sown in high school because suddenly I started to do very well academically finding every subject remarkably easy. I didn't revise for exams, I just walked into the room, finished before everyone else, left and then beat everyone else. Friends thought I was a genius and relatives were all so proud of me. But I was the laziest kid in school. I didn't do any of the activities associated with school like sport or climbing or chess or whatever and I couldn't even be bothered to socialise, partly 'cos I despised most of my peers and partly cos I was so nervous. I just withdrew into myself, ignoring people to appear cool while secretly wishing I could be like the handful of cool kids who went out and did drugs and wore cool clothes and were confident and got girls etc. Despite appearing to my family as a successful responsible youngster my obsession with drugs started in high school. Seemed like everyone cool took drugs and they could make me cool. This notion continued into university when I actually came accross drugs and things went very wrong.. Anyway I had a lot of obsessions. I'd just wander round on my own obsessing - weird-ass music like the velvet underground, French poetry, girls of course. I had a series of realy hardcore painfully obsessional crushes on a series of young women and I used to imagine what they thought of me and was never very much. I thought of myself as entirely unlikeable and had a perverse tendency to throw off anyone who was concearned at my obviously addled state, like I wanted to be the outsider.

Aged 15 I got a mega-crush on this girl (whom I still keep in contact with and knows about the history - we laugh about it now) which caused me to go into a fairly intense depression. I took to mumbling my words, standing still and laughing to myself on the football pitch, missing the school bus, fucking up homework by putting deliberatley stupid answers and twists to stories/science writeups. I also started writing a diary as a result of this crush, cause I wanted to keep the fucked up emotions forever I guess. I wrote religiously everyday, 500-1000 words. I started to live my life for the diary. Everything I did and observed became dialogue for the evening's write-up. It was an excersise in total honesty and literary "authenticity" and it took over my life for two years. Then at 17 I got a new crush on some stuck-up bitch who made me feel even more worthless (and looking back she was such a superficial prima-donna little witch..I'd never go near her type these days). I decided she'd hate my record collection and some of my more "interesting" books - books on the occult (I learned to draw up birth charts and read tarot aged 13) and decadent French Poetry. So I gave away all my CDs and some very cool books. I decided she wouldn't approve of my diaries either so, and this is one of the things I regret most in my life, I dumped them in a bin in the park and never saw them again. The crush didn't even last that long..

So, up to 18. By 18 I really had no friends, but I finished high school with the expected amazing grades although I didn't go straight to university. I decided that the subjects I'd finished doing - Maths, Physics and Chemistry, just weren't me and I had to do something else to be true to myself. So I do an extra year at a different high school doing French and Spanish and things get a little better. The atmosphere is more informal with no uniform and kids from lots of different backgrounds. My classmates take more interest in me than before. But here I believe the first hints of real mental illness start. I keep having these manic attacks where I feel delirious, spaced out and jumpy. I learn to drive and learn to throw the backend out of corners and gerally act revved up. I start dancing on my own and talking to myself.

I dunno. I haven't hit any of the properly crazy stuff yet. All the above might seem normal to someone else. I'll prolly continue later or tomorrow

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