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Discussing Sex with the TDoc


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Hiya-

As I've said, I have a rather attractive younger tdoc. I can get over that part. He is a medical professional so I can drop the shy factor.

However, how do I get up the guts to talk about "oh yeah, I can't have an orgasm with a partner, but it is easy by myself, how can I correct this?". I would turn 900 shades of purple just beginning to stutter out those words!

That is simply the problem. For years, for 10 years, I've been faking orgasms wiht my lovers to get them to be happy and not want to have sex anymore. i get bored. I do not get into it. At first I do, but then it feels like a boring chore. I'm not sure why. This is all tdoc territory, but this tdoc is used to treating little kids and is now treating adults. I don't want to put him on the spot or terrify him, but I'm also concerned that I'm going to be the one terrified!

What should I do?

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Heya Loon,

OK, I'll put on the Dr ncc hat for this one :)

Well, for me it's the guys who don't know how to ask. Mostly with them it starts with them saying:

Guy (usually in his 50s): Oh, by the way, doctor.

Me: Mmm?

Guy: (averting eyes) umm, well, I have this new girlfriend, you know, since the divorce ...

Me: (knowing *exactly* what he's trying to ask me) Mmm?

Guy: (flushing furiously) and, you know, she's only 34 ...

Me: (Cocking head and blinking eyes encouragingly) ...

Guy: Um, how would I go about, you know, getting me some of that there, ummm ...

Me: (cruelly waiting to make him SAY it) ...

Guy: (now just about melted into the floor) Vi ... Vi ... (softly) agra?

Women are generally more direct but blush just as furiously.

*Particulary* when they need to say "orgasm." "Masturbation" is another hard word to say and frankly I often say it for them (unlike "Viagra." I make the guys say "Viagra." Other words I'll say for them.).

There is *nothing* wrong with the blushing/melting/stammering/some women even have tears in their eyes b/c they've been *so* frustrated for *so* long.

Listen, this is this therapist's *job.* Approach this topic in the easiest way for *you.* I think the way you presented it to us is honest and direct. There are ways to deal with your (*so* serious and frustrating) problem and your therapist has the tools -- or can get out the Big Book of Female Sexual Dysfunction and *learn* the tools.

(These are not *necessarily* the same "tools" you can get at Good For Her.)

;)

Generally our (professionals') potential embarassment evaporates once we know the problem. Then it's easy enough to kick into "professional" mode and talk about masturbation, orgasm, emotions and sex, ... it's professional.

The probs you describe -- where the orgasm works just not with a partner -- are for sure best dealt with openly with therapy. The fact that orgasm *works* means the *connections* are all there, and mostly you need to deal with some therapy stuff like communication, resolving your anxieties/etc for which I generally refer people to ... therapists.

I've not experienced this from the patient perspective but someone here likely has better tips for you than I do.

--ncc--

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Maybe print out these posts and either send it to him ahead of time, bring it with you, or leave it with him at the end of your next visit and ask him to please read it before you see him again? Or maybe you could write something else, and not mention how cute he is! Lol!!

I had one therapist who was an asshole about reading things, but others have been o.k. with it and seem glad for the chance to see what you're really feeling and thinking and unable to start a conversation about.

I had the same problem for many years and finally seem to have gotten rid of it, at least in my last relationship which was a few years ago. I started doing what I suspect the boys do anyways - once we got down to the hands which would get me off, I quit thinking about my partner altogether and concentrated on the fantasies I think of while doing myself. It seemed to work, and my boyfriend never knew anything about it. Luckily he was a gentleman so was happy to finish last.

I don't think I could have done it earlier as I was too self-concious of what my partner was thinking and whether or not he was getting off. The trick to make it work seemed to be the concentration and pretending for the moment that the partner's actions were just like my own hands or a vibrator. This assumes the basic compentence of your partner, but most seem to be able to be taught where the right spot is. Being self-centered is sometimes a really good thing!

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Honestly, I think you should just bring it up. You're not even close to the only woman with this problem. Your tdoc is a professional, and if you don't bring your concerns up with him, then a half dozen other women will/already have.

You could always try my favorite technique; just blurt it out. Then you've said it, he's heard it, and it can be dealt with.

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When I have to bring up sex with my youngish female therapist, I just do it (and turn 900 shades of pruple, and some reds too). She knows I,m shy and considers far more inmportant that I want to talk about it than the color of my face and the level of my embarassment.

Tommy

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Loon,

I don't blame you if you don't want to discuss it with t-doc. I had a male therapist and I wouldn't go into detail about sex at all. It just didn't feel right.

Anyway, there are a lot of helpful books on the subject. Go to the SEX section of any bookstore or library and start reading.

(You should also take into consideration that your meds might be interfering with your "O".)

One last word, or rule of thumb: Don't have sex unless you really, really want to. Don't do it to please a guy if you're not gonna be into it. I've been there. That little rule of thumb can make all the difference.

Good luck, and have fun! Sex is supposed to be fun. :) - MG

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Believe me, most docs have heard some crazy stuff involving sex. I know mine has, because I tell him everything. Erm, actually not about having sex, because I hate having sex. Can't orgasm or anything either. Just gender issues and such. Somehow I find it easier to talk to a male about it than a female, not sure why...

But I agree with mad_genius. If you really don't want to talk to him about it, there are tons of books on the subject ;)

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  • 3 weeks later...

River- that is SO weird! What, is it like we all have a tough time visualizing our parents and/or grandparents "in the moment" and really don't want to be traumatized by that??? How weird!

Dr ncc- thank you for going into professional mode to kinda give me an idea of what it must be like to deal with sexual dysfunction in y our work. yeah, I can see that you already know where that conversation is going to go, but you're not going to just whip out the script pad and start writing up some Viagra for him until he talks about it first! I'd just love to see that. Dr. Ncc just hands Mr. shy a script while he's in the process of becoming purple.

I personally love hypnotism. I just love it. So I went to my hypnotist and asked her to use a script to help me let go and enjoy sex and be able to be with my partner in a mutually loving way. The script was really nice and I think it has helped somewhat, but I still have a lot of trouble, total trouble, with a partner. Now it is even worse, because nature won't even allow the juices to flow so to speak. Now I'm a candidate for really thick lubricants! I love the generic stuff because it is the thickest and actually feels the best in my opinion.

Anyway-

About managing to bring up the S word to my tdoc. I have talked to him about childhood sexual abuse. I could use that as a nice branch into my adult sex life and the various issues I come across (like not being able to even get into it whatsoever sometimes).

That's another good point- to only have sex when I'm really into it and i really want to!! too often i just do it because he wants to and i'm bored. not a total receipe for female sexual enjoyment.

loon

Maybe a change of partner(s)? Maybe I should drop them all, and just be boyfriend-less until the right guy comes along. That sounds so scary, but like a good idea, but so scary. I can't do that (quite yet)!

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snip

However, how do I get up the guts to talk about "oh yeah, I can't have an orgasm with a partner, but it is easy by myself, how can I correct this?". I would turn 900 shades of purple just beginning to stutter out those words!

You could do a lot worse than saying the above or even just handing him a note. Whatever it takes. Maybe find the "Dictionary of Slang and Euphemism" and find some private place to read it out loud for 10 minutes every day as practice dealing with embarassing stuff. However, I'm not sure it's a medicatable problem since you seem to have normal orgasms sometimes. (Not that I'm an expert.) Might be more of a tdoc thing.

That is simply the problem. For years, for 10 years, I've been faking orgasms wiht my lovers to get them to be happy and not want to have sex anymore. i get bored. I do not get into it. At first I do, but then it feels like a boring chore. I'm not sure why. This is all tdoc territory, but this tdoc is used to treating little kids and is now treating adults. I don't want to put him on the spot or terrify him, but I'm also concerned that I'm going to be the one terrified!

What should I do?

Do you tell your boyfriends exactly what you need to get off? It really helps if you can say things like "A little to the left", "faster" or whatever. Any boyfriend worth his salt should be willing to use his hands (or, in a really committed relationship, his tongue, but then make sure there's something around to wash his beard) to give you a fun time, if that's what it takes. He should also be willing to spend a long time, if that's what it takes. Like, an hour or carpal tunnel symptoms, whichever is first. I've heard that many women just don't get off from regular intercourse. Apparently that problem is more physiological than psychological. I've only had intercourse with one woman who could get off that way, tho I suppose that could be an indictment of my technique.... Also hope you are comfortable enough with a boyfriend to mess around and try various silly things. Certainly, each of my partners has liked some different way of getting off. With my ex, it took years to find our respective favorite things. And you may find something your boyfriend likes so much he'll do almost anything to get you off. Try funny stuff in the shower, etc. Maybe some day ask to start by having him do whatever you think of (within reason) for half an hour, whether that's feeding you little chocolates, rubbing your back, or anything that makes you feel good. If you've been on your feet all day, you may find that after he rubs them you're going to feel much better about fooling around with him;. Or not, in which case it still feels good. Or, at least, so I surmise based on some pretty specific experience.. If you have trouble coming up with stuff, ask around, but don't make it an official agenda as you may find something else even better while you're at it. There's nothing dignified about sex.

In any case, be sure to ask for what you want. I know that's not easy, but you do want to be happy, don't you? I can tell you that it's much more fun to be with someone who asks for what they want directly. And says things like "that's very good" when I get it right.

I suspect that faking orgasms is putting distance between you and your boyfriends. And I wonder if they don't know, at least on some level, that something's wrong.

Hope this is helpful and that you are not turning purple just reading it. Once again I'm thankful that I had a tdoc early on who helped me be less embarassed about this stuff.

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i have trouble talking to my therapist about this kind of embarrassing stuff, and worse. he's a middle aged man and i'm a young woman. it's just so embarrassing. sorry i can't be more helpful but i completely empathise with the situation you're in.

mel xx

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Any boyfriend worth his salt should be willing to use his hands (or, in a really committed relationship, his tongue, but then make sure there's something around to wash his beard) to give you a fun time, if that's what it takes.

Why the distinction of a really committed relationship for the oral sex, ldo? Does the inverse apply? Like no oral sex for you either unless it's a really committed relationship? Just wondering.

Do guys dislike giving oral sex in general? They sure like receiving it.

Libby the Wonderer

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Well, with chocolate, probably 99% like it, and 1% don't.

When I was a str8 girl, oral sex was required if they wanted to get any further. It's really lame if a guy doesn't want to do that, imo. Especially since guys expect that women will give oral sex to them. And because plain intercourse doesn't do "it" for a lot of women.

Thinkin' I'm glad I'm gay. ;)

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Any boyfriend worth his salt should be willing to use his hands (or, in a really committed relationship, his tongue, but then make sure there's something around to wash his beard) to give you a fun time, if that's what it takes.

Why the distinction of a really committed relationship for the oral sex, ldo? Does the inverse apply? Like no oral sex for you either unless it's a really committed relationship? Just wondering.

Do guys dislike giving oral sex in general? They sure like receiving it.

Libby the Wonderer

STD's, I'm afraid. They really mess things up, don't they? Inverse applies, of course. I'm just way skeptical of those tricks with dental dams and Saran wrap, tho I haven't tried them. I wonder what 100 years of no STD's and really good birth control would do to people's attitudes about sex. Not saying I've always observed this stuff properly, but so far have gotten away with it.

Well, there's the occasional not breathing thing when things get exciting. Then there's the variable and not always pleasant taste. And I'm sure some guys are squeamish. On the other hand, there's no gagging. (Yes, I've done both.) As to the general attitude of guys, I haven't taken a poll and suspect it depends which group of guys you ask. And you'd better make it a genderless paper poll, because the identity and appearance of the questioner will skew the answer. Personally, I like it at times.

P.S. Shortly after going down on female for first time, was given peach cookie thing which was all slippery and had very similar texture. I think I must have turned beet red.

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Any boyfriend worth his salt should be willing to use his hands (or, in a really committed relationship, his tongue, but then make sure there's something around to wash his beard) to give you a fun time, if that's what it takes.

Do guys dislike giving oral sex in general? They sure like receiving it.

Libby the Wonderer

I've often wondered about this myself. I've been with my husband for about 25 years, so I'm really out of the loop. Personally, I couldn't be with a man (or woman) who didn't use his or her mouth. I'm very spoiled.

dianebea

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As far as talking about sex with your therapist, it can be hard. I've known mine a long time, and I trust him absolutely and implicitly, but it can still be a hard topic. I think some of it is that in my background (yes, American) we didn't talk too much about sex. I don't remember specifically learning about it, aside from school (Catholic school, the learning was a bit biased), but I know I could always ask my mom various questions. That's still not the same as discussing the matter.

I can think of two ways, one is to write it down and then give it to your therapist to read. The other is to talk about it, but with your eyes closed or looking at something (anything!) else in the room. I've various used all of these -- sometimes all at once. As hard as it is, try to stay relaxed. Your therapist wants to help you with this.

As for making your therapist uncomfortable -- that's not your job to worry about. That's his problem. You are there to deal with your issues, not his. He should be professional enough to deal with whatever you bring out, and to remain focused on you.

It sounds like you need to talk about this to heal. So talk, if you trust your therapist enough to talk about things, you can trust him enough to tell you when he's out of his depth as well.

Fiona

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talking about sex with my therapist would involve a diagram to keep track of the different boyfriends. #1 won't do anything i ask for and think he's the end-all and be-all, so i obviously enjoy it, and #2 is willing but just not talented, and #3 has actually shown me things about my body that I never knew before, and I've shown him what I like and he's a good student.

i really want to be able to have better sex with boyfriend #1, so i guess i don't even need to confuse him with the other 2. we can just talk about the one i've been with for 4 years. sex can only stay the same way for 4 years before it sucks. it sucks.

should i just tell my therapist that my sex life sucks, and that my boyfriend thinks he knows everything about my body and he has no idea, and how can i get him to actually learn?

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on second thought, my issues with talking to my tdoc about sex go deeper than actual sex. sure, i want to be able to have actual orgasms with my lovers. but why do i need multiple lovers? and why do i feel like i must do things i don't want to do? and why am i content with what isn't right for me? those are questions that have come up recently, in my head and in other threads, that really are things my poor tdoc needs to hear. when i finally do talk to him about sex, i'm going to have to have it organized in an outline so we can discuss it and not get lost, and devote at least an entire session to at least covering the basics. sschew. long discussion. and i know i'll be 1,000 shades of purple, which is why i discuss it with you guys and not with him. i discuss childhood trauma with him but not how i feel like i have to have sex with my boyfriends, even if i don't feel like it or even if i have issues or it makes me feel x, y, or z. and giving oral sex all the time. for the first time in my life (i think for the first time), i actually said no to an oral sex request the other day. slow but steady progress. i know my tdoc can help, i just need to stop being a ninny and say something.

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(i think for the first time), i actually said no to an oral sex request the other day. slow but steady progress.
Right on! You don't exist to "service" your boyfriends. I assume that they have a right hand that works just fine.

Your latest thoughts about talking to your therapist are right on.

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