Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Digging up Memories


Recommended Posts

Hiya-

Today, over 2 years after his suicide, i had to go through boxes and boxes of my dad's personal papers and documents to decide what is important to keep and what need to go in the circular file.

It caused major flashbacks. I just cried and cried, had no access to my Klonopin, so had psychotic conversations with my dad and totally wigged out. then my mom asked if i was "ok". NO I"M NOT!

do you have issues looking at old things, or bringing up memories that remind you of what you've lost, either a person or anything? we've all had losses that i'm sure contribute to our pain. what kinds of situations have you found yourselves in, and what can we do to help ourselves (besides not forgetting the Klonopin at home)?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have somehow systematically destroyed most all of my memorabilia during many (undiagnosed) manic episodes throughout my life. Every once in awhile, I would just suddenly find myself stuffing garbage bags with old drawings, unfinished songs, screenplay ideas, photos, letters from people, movie ticket stubs, etc. I've done this since childhood, so there ain't much left, maybe one file box with some stuff, and I never really go in and look at it.

I have a giant box of photos that I absolutely cannot look at without being filled with regret and reminders of childhood suffering. That box is EVIL...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

there is a massive pile of boxes in the corner of my living room filled with my aunt's and cousin's things. (he died in december from SUDEP (epilepsy) and she killed herself on valentine's day.)

every day i say i'm going to go through them and decide what to do with things.

i'm scared. the stuff is lurking. i don't even like going in the living room, which is one reason why i really need to go through it and store stuff. but i have all of my cousin's journals. all of my aunt's jewelery. photos. artwork. special tchockies.

i'll remember to take my xanax before i go through it all.

if i can muster the strength.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow, mad_genius! I have done that too. I have only a few photos and things left. At times I regret this, but for the most part I don't because nearly every reminder of my childhood is too hard for me to deal with. I do regret throwing out art work though. I've stopped keeping journals entirely because they very accurately portray how sick I am and how unable I am to see it at the time. I guess I prefer not having these reminders.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah, and never forget our own lives! most of us became messed up in childhood (according to several t and p docs anyway), so it makes sense that during an episode we'd get rid of stuff that reminds us of the past.

the weird thing about me tossing dad's unneeded stuff is that my mom is a garbage saver and will likely go through what i threw out and decide to rescue half of it. now, why make me go through that trama if unnecessary? she's the one with the brain disorder (well she is BP1).

maybe one of these days during a mania i'll toss the things that remind me of the past that i don't need, and focus on the future instead (or on the NOW, since that is all we really have).

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well yes. I've had two different people be with me as I went thru stuff to sort. I cried anyway but having a kindly presence got me thru it. Only did a little at the time. For five years the entire perimeter of my living/dining room and the six foot dining table, under and on it, were piles of unsorted shit. It is gone now but I am accumulating more. It's very hard to go thru stuff as I would get allcaught up in a photo that was lovely or one that was so sad I'd just give in to tears.

Good luck, have someone with you, it helps

Luli

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I found my old photos. It freaked me out, so I took them and burned them, and then I put the ashes in a little urn. ...I guess that sounds kinda weird, huh? ;) But whenever I look at it, I think "The past is dead." and it makes me feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

....

do you have issues looking at old things, or bringing up memories that remind you of what you've lost, either a person or anything? we've all had losses that i'm sure contribute to our pain. what kinds of situations have you found yourselves in, and what can we do to help ourselves (besides not forgetting the Klonopin at home)?

Loon,

I hate my boxes!!! I've got boxes from 6 moves over 20 years, plus a few boxes which amount to my father's estate - probably 40 or so in all. I find it extremely painful to even open them. Even boxes from the last move (4 years ago) make me uncomfortable at best.

I went through a big round of box processing 2 years ago when I cleaned up my tax problem. I had 19 years of unfiled tax returns (12 on the federal side since they had caught up with me once, and 19 on the state side). I went through 16 of my boxes finding the raw material for the taxes (mostly W-2s and 1099s), and I couldn't have done it without support. My therapist was encouraging, but the critical part for me was my AA program. A woman in the program got me to commit to at least opening the first box, and with her as my sponsor I waded through the rest. I committed to action, I reported my progress to my sponsor and in meetings, and in the end it got so hard that I needed to say the Serenity Prayer every time I touched a single piece of paper from those boxes.

After I finished with the tax project, I didn't touch any of those boxes again until last week when I finally set up a computer of my own at my desk and I needed to find cables and such. Talk about digging through the wreckage of the past :embarassed: .

I need to begin diggin into the rest of the boxes again, but I'm not really anxious to jump in there. The only thing that makes me at all interested in the idea is the fact that I want to update my resume and I know my resume stuff is hidden in those boxes.

J.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I cannot look at old stuff. throws me right into hell. I have boxes of stuff and pictures etc that sometimes I have to go through when I move but otherwise I don't touch them. My Mom has been gone ten years and I still lose it if I look at anything of hers. I always have someone with me when I have to do that kind of stuff so they can tell me when to stop it or they can look at the stuff and just tell me what it is and I'll say whether or not it can be thrown out.

lilie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you guys are brave, nix and lilie and others, for looking at your old boxes. i know the pain you're in first hand. especially suicide boxes, because those are my boxes. like boxes of compartments of my own life.

but those other boxes, like tax boxes, are parts of YOUR life. they require the prayers and the serenity that any other box would. it is up to us to keep ourselves intact when we finally manage to go near those full boxes.

they sit there, maybe for years, and we get to them. with our without our benzos, we have to open them sometime...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...