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I hate her


easyrider1984

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;):):cussing:

I realised tonight, and I've know idea why it has struck me like this suddenly and this firmly, but I hate my Mum :wtf: She is so supportive and I feel so shitty for this (I'm such a bastard) but I do, most of the time.

I'm sick of been ignored. "He's my piglet". Well, you can fucking have him then instead of me. I'm sick of her paying more attention to everything but me, unless she is asking if I'm alright, which she never did in the past, ever, and she does too often sometimes now and it can get rather annoying. I hate her eating habits. I hate how she just interrupts everyone, anywhere, , and that's where my 'thing' about that has come from!!. Shut up!! I hate how she doesn't even see what she's doing. She'll just reach across and steal something like one of your snacks and not even bother if you were going to eat it or not, for example. I hate how she won't do anything you ask unless it's convenient for her. I hate how she denies everything, even if it's blatantly obvious she has done it. I hate how she just won't let things go. I hate that she just argues with you all the time over the stupiest little things. I hate the fact that I inherited her clumsiness. I hate what she's done to me. I sometimes think my suckiness with women originates with her, though I'm no psychological analyst or whatever. I hate how she knows everything, supposedly. I hate that her and my sister argued all the time when I was growing up. I hate how she tried to interfere in everything I did, in the past. I hate that she doesn't tell you what she's working (she works shifts). I hate how she takes the piss out of everyone, but can't take it back most of the time.

Argh!! I just hate her. There are more things too. I hate myself for hating her, but I do. It's like the only thing that I would miss is her cooking. She's not a bad person, I just hate her.

Venting.....

Why are you like this Mum?? Why?? What is wrong with you?? I'm the other end of the scale from perfect, but this is about you. Why?

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That was a good thing?

Lets pretend, for the sake of argument, that your mom really sucks. So what? You don't form your own identity by trashing someone else.

Maybe your mom is just human and falible...like everyone else.

Maybe you are just in a really dark place right now and she is a convenient target.

Oh well, better you vent here than start screaming at the person who is keeping a roof over your head and feeding you. THAT would definitely not be good.

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i think its really good that you're articulating everything thats on your mind. i can relate to a lot of your beefs with your mom...unfortunately i too have feelings of strong dislike for my mother, and it makes me feel a little bit better to know that maybe i'm not the only one. maybe that will help you too. i dont think there's anything wrong with disliking your parents. as my therapist always tells me, they're just people. we tend to put them up on pedastals when we're younger, pretending that they're incapable of error or something, when in reality they're just a couple of people who happened to have a kid together. they're not perfect. and it sounds like you're learning that now. keep talking to us. we're here. ;)

...hannah

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I know that young people and their parents often chafe each other, because that's part of Nature's plan for getting the young person out of the house.

If you want to get away from mom, start making plans on how to support yourself and get your own place.

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I could afford to live on my own, but I would slowly eat away at all of my savings and my parents wouldn't approve of me moving out right now anyway. I don't even know where I would go.

I was in an incredibly horrible, bad, shitty mood last night. She does annoy me, making me not like her, though quite a lot. I don't think "hate" was the right word. I'm not really capable of hating her or hating anyone really. I hate myself for feeling this way, but meh, I hate myself anyway so just add it to the list EZ.

Oh, and she's not a convenient target at all WZ. She's not capable of been bullied, abused, affected by abuse or been an easy, convenient target, and if she was I wouldn't abuse her (either on here or in real life) as a result of that because I was an easy, convenient target at school and know how it feels.

"You don't form your own identity by trashing someone else" - when did I do this? I said in my original post that I was far from perfect, but that this wasn't about me necessarily. I know she's only human, but I can't alter how I feel or I fucking would!

Take care!!

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I think it is a normal part of growing up to define what you don't like about your parents and to think about how you want to be diffrent. If all we feel is positive emotions for them at your age, it is too hard to leave. It is similar to the drive that got you on your feet as a toddler.

The thing is this feeling won't last. You have to see it and define it and then you will let it go. In your twenties things will look diffrent.

Wifezillia, I think this is diffrent than what you are dealing with. I understand you concern and am not discounting it but This young man is working with thoughts and ideas. Remember, noone gets to censor your thoughts, just your actions.

raven

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I know you can't change your feeling right this moment, but I think people in general gain perspective on their parents over time.

And you can break away (which is a normal part of growing up) without hating them. I must admit, parents do make this very difficult at times.

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I think it is a normal part of growing up to define what you don't like about your parents and to think about how you want to be diffrent. If all we feel is positive emotions for them at your age, it is too hard to leave. It is similar to the drive that got you on your feet as a toddler.

The thing is this feeling won't last. You have to see it and define it and then you will let it go. In your twenties things will look diffrent.

Wifezillia, I think this is diffrent than what you are dealing with. I understand you concern and am not discounting it but This young man is working with thoughts and ideas. Remember, noone gets to censor your thoughts, just your actions.

raven

Thank you Raven, for putting that so very diplomatically.

I heard EZ's vent from a mother's POV too. And I wondered if he's my kid... ;)

Without the knowledge of him being from the UK, that could be my own angsty child's venting, and I would hope someone would put the process in context, kindly, for him.

As for what it did for me? <shudder> I am a selfish mother. Depression is a selfish disease. So is single-motherhood, poverty, and all these things that will chip away at our esteem if we let them. I'm sorry VE took down that photo of Frank Zappa with his "Fuck You" finger up his nose and the caption was, "Esteem Yourself".

EZ, you and me go way back...lol...your feelings are appreciated by me as a mother. It has really helped me to understand the alienation I'm feeling and the FLAT OUT tension that is all over this place. My oldest son is going to turn 18 on Wed., I know you're older, but the process of separation is a lifelong one, I think.

My Mom still pushes my buttons like nobody else can. NOBODY.

You are a sweetie pie, and I'm glad you feel safe to vent here. You might want to start a Springer thread, in Springerville, at least for now, it's more of a venting, journaling, "fuck you, this is my house please leave." When you get unnecessary or unwanted or flat out inappropriate comments. Where in this format, where you just open up a thread, anyone can have at you. Springer is, pretty much, a place where you can have a mod request a member to not visit your thread. Privately, without incident.

Think about it. And anytime you wanna bitch about your mom, I'm always up for a chat. PM me, if I'm online, I'll hope over to chat. Helps me be a better mom.

Love,

S9

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My kids are in their 30's now. I finally can look at teenage anger and not take personally. I have seen the turn around. My little dear that was swearing at me when he was 18 calls more often that the other two just to talk and see how I am.

Life is strange.

raven

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Hi, just checking in too.

My mother annoyed the hell out of me for a loooongass time.

Just the way she talked, ate, the way her teeth clicked (they didn't really)

So I would have my secret I hate you thoughts.

Then I got a bit older I mean way older. Now it doesn't matter.

Don't hate yourself for feeling that way. It all passes...

I'd snip at her for no reason really. She said she got used to me being, her euphemism,

"prickly." I'd apologize a lot after I turned 35 or so.

they suck, they are great, all those things.

But later,

just don't hate yourself for your feelings..

Luli

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I understand completely. I have and still am dealing with "issues" surrounding my mother but it has only been in the past year or two that I have come to see her as a human being and not this horrible person I was convinced she was. (And yes, I'm in my twenties ; ) There were times that I did question whether I "really" loved her and whether her "mistakes" were deliberate acts of malice.

And yes, I still vent about her. ; )

Honestly, too, on top of the "usual" angst, you were diagnosed and began receiving treatment for your MI issues not so very long ago, right? I found that a lot of past baggage resurfaced in my mind once I started being treated (for the right thing, anyway, but that's another story) and maybe you are feeling some of that, too. Things that didn't seem so important when you were fighting just to survive take on greater importance once you are making these strides in your health (like showing your parents your scars). Not to diminish the struggles you are still having, of course.

Just some things to think about. I think you got a lot of wisdom in this thread. And I agree, too, that things will ease up once you're out on your own. A little bit of distance never hurts. ; )

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My kids are in their 30's now. I finally can look at teenage anger and not take personally. I have seen the turn around. My little dear that was swearing at me when he was 18 calls more often that the other two just to talk and see how I am.

Life is strange.

raven

My mom and I talked about this over lunch today. EZ's post and the thread in general really hit me since I feel like Big E hates my guts. I remember what a caustic, bitch I was at his age at home. But my homelife was different. It was a warzone. That's hard to discuss with Mom, I see her face get pinched, but like I said to her, "we had it better than you and your sibs (outrageous abuse and neglect in her generation); my kids and their cousins have it better than I and my brothers did; and so on. It takes generations to heal abusive families. Not that that's what we were talking about on this thread, guess I jacked it.

Hearing you say this though Raven gives me hope that all is following it's natural order, and particularly since my children have NEVER been abused, that I know of. Though they would answer differently, as they think being told no to a request for money is abusive! Makes me giddy with joy that that is their notion of abuse.

Life is indeed strange.

/tjack

S9

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Hello!!

(First of all, no threadjacking! ;):) )

Wait, woah! No! I don't hate you, saturnine, at all. I must say I'm surprised my thread had an impact on anyone, not just you, enough to talk about it in real life, but I guess you're looking at it from a mother's point of view and it's an issue that you feel is personal to you too, though on the other end of it. I'm really glad you appreciate my feelings.

It's nice to hear from "mothers" and what 'their' perspective is on this issue. I've assumed that you're all women and have children, so I apologise to those that aren't if you have posted.

The way I see it is that my Mum annoys me, every day at some point, and. I've never really got along with her. My sister used to even less, but she moved out a year ago and she gets along with my Mum better now. At least that may give me some hope for the future. But it was always me who heard it. Then my Mum would go running to my Dad when he got home. It was the same with my Mum and Dad arguing. My sister was at Uni. I've always got the blunt end of it. My Mum almost worships my sister when she sees her, yet my sister has treated her like shit over the years sometimes. Why? Do you not love me as much or something? I tend to appreciate her more when she's been away for a few days or more. The damage is quite set though in our relationship. It will never be the same as a child and mother that have got on well and loved each-other. My Mum never shows me love. She does love me, but she never shows it. I have hardly ever hugged her and I've never told her "I love you" (a phrase that I've never told anyone actually). I've never kissed her. We're just so distant, as is my family when it comes to feelings. I'm 21! At what age should I be before I start to think "well, I don't hate her really"? Because I have a lot of resentment in me for what's happened over the years and it doesn't seem like these feelings will ever go away. I just want to scream at her and ask her why she can't see what she is doing!! I re-live things over and over again. She won't ever change. Neither will I because my backwards, twisted, pathetic personality is set. By the way, I have read all the posts in this thread, I'm just been pessimistic because it's so easy and feels so true.

EZ, you and me go way back...lol...your feelings are appreciated by me as a mother. It has really helped me to understand the alienation I'm feeling and the FLAT OUT tension that is all over this place. My oldest son is going to turn 18 on Wed., I know you're older, but the process of separation is a lifelong one, I think.
We do go way back :cussing: I'm glad my feelings have helped you to understand things better for yourself though.

You are a sweetie pie, and I'm glad you feel safe to vent here.
Awww.... :cussing: Thanks. That made me smile for the first time in about three days.

Honestly, too, on top of the "usual" angst, you were diagnosed and began receiving treatment for your MI issues not so very long ago, right? I found that a lot of past baggage resurfaced in my mind once I started being treated (for the right thing, anyway, but that's another story) and maybe you are feeling some of that, too. Things that didn't seem so important when you were fighting just to survive take on greater importance once you are making these strides in your health (like showing your parents your scars). Not to diminish the struggles you are still having, of course.
I was diagnosed about 8 weeks ago. Maybe 9. I can't remember when exactly. Things have re-surfaced over time, but these silent issues with my Mum have come to the forefront recently. I tend to go through different issues at different times. Like my "missed out" feeling. It hasn't occured for a while, until last night when I went to watch some fireworks and in front of me was a group of happy friends and to the left of me was a late-teens boy and girl lying in the grass together, her lying on him. It re-surfaced those feelings that I still have today. Anyway, I guess my point is that I go in cycles of different feelings been at the surface at different times. It all just sucks ass. I've felt resentment for my Mum for years though, just in all kinds of different ways, deeper down, and not as strong I guess.

Thank you for your wise words, ravenonice. There is a lot of wisdon in this thread, but I like the way you wrote and explained your thoughts on this issue for me.

I can't not hate myself for these feelings. It really is horrible of me..... :wtf: She's not a bad person, I just.... dunno. I really don't like her quite a lot. I should punish myself for all this.

Take care all!

Love you all lots.... :embarassed:

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Hi EZ

I just read through the thread here and I'm not going to go on and on...

I'm just here to respond to one of the last things you said: "I really don't like her quite a lot. I should punish myself for all this."

NO. No, no, no. Do not punish yourself for this. We don't get to choose our family members. It's a fucking lottery system and we just get who we get. And there are no guarantees that we are going to LIKE who we get. We don't have to like them. We should be civil, we should be decent, we should be fair and we should be responsible.

But under no circumstances are we required, by anyone, to LIKE our family members.

Do not...I mean this, EZ...do not punish yourself. Okay? Be civil to your mum, be decent to her. But you need not like her. She may not be likeable...or she may not be likeable in your opinion at this moment in time...maybe some day in the future, things will change.

No punishing of yourself. Promise?

Take care, sweetie,

~Cat

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I speak form personal experience. Between 18 and 22 I lived at home and was an awful person. My poor mother was 60 the year I turned 18. She should have been a beloved grandma. Instead she had me in full hormonal rage. I remember screaming obscenites at her. I could hate myself about it but we did have a good relationship after I moved out. She has been gone for 20 years now. Hateing myself won't help either of us. It did give me some perspective when my kids were going thru it.

And if I can help anyone here, it's good.

I have been a teacher of troubled teenagers and have read lots and lots of develpomental psyc books.

raven

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What Cheshire said....

No punishing yourself.

Often relatives are NOT people we would chose to associate with if we just met them on the street or at work.

And I had some pretty nasty teen years starting with my mom having a car accident and almost dying, then my parents divorcing, then me having to turn over my money to pay for the heating bill because dad did not send child support, finding nasty images sent in the mail to my mom by my dad's girlfriend, dad trashing my mom, mom dating a 24 year old when I was 17, dad never bothering to come to my high school graduation...need I go on?

Anyway...if I met either of my parents just as people, I doubt we would be best buds.

It was about....oh...26...when I stopped being pissed off at them.

I would just hate to have you waste a bunch of energy being mad at your mom. It hurts you more than it would hurt her.

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Hello!!

OK, no punishing myself, I promise. I can't punish myself physically anyway until we get back off holiday (12th August). Mentally, I can't help it - feeling guilty, horrible, shitty for it. I hope one day my opinion and feelings do change, for the better. But I dunno.

Thanks for all your help and support everyone. It's made me feel a bit better about this situation. I like the way you put it, CheshireCat. That was nice. I think she is a likeable person, just not to me right now, or at various times in the past. Then again, I am part of her family, and her son, so it's different I guess. She can come off a bit strange and loud to "normal" people though.

"full hormonal rage" - This phrase is a good description. I mean, just the way it sounds. Thank you ravenonice for your perspective and help.

Wifezilla, feel free to go on. Venting is always good. It does take quite a bit of mental energy to really dislike her sometimes, but I just can do it.

Can I ask a question?

What does it feel like when your children tell you that they hate you?

I'm sorry if this question is personal to some people. I'd like you to ignore it if it upsets you, please, because I don't want that. I am just curious.

Take care!!

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"What does it feel like when your children tell you that they hate you?"

Well, it really hurts. But if you are a MATURE parent, you will understand this is an outburst born from anger, frustration, whatever and most likely not about you (unless you are a sucky parent that is). You kind of have to step back from the moment and see the whole picture...put aside your feelings and do your job as a mom.

My oldest once told me he hated me. I was in a very level headed mood when he said that (thank goodness!) and simply told him this:

"It's not my job to make you like me. It's my job to teach you what you need to know to become a responsible adult no matter how much it pisses you off."

He got this really puzzled look on his face...went and hid in his room for a couple of hours....and then he was suddenly back to the happy kid he usually was....LOL

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