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Mixed States Hell


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Started off yesterday fairly well, for a Monday. I seem to have depression every Monday, actually it starts on Sunday night.

Yesterday afternoon my boss did that thing well he insults me but doesn't realize he's doing that, if that makes any sense. That seemed to trigger a full mixed states episode. I sat in my office on the verge of tears and I wanted to hit people, hard. I sat there thinking about my mother and how much I hate what she did to me. I'm sure she's BP, although she'd never admit it, and she unleashed her fury on me and my sisters throughout our childhood and on in the teens. Then I just kept getting ruminations and I felt like I was going to explode.

Once I was in my own vehicle driving home, I cried all the way home, and then had a meltdown at home.  Had a glass of wine and felt numb. Many suicidal thoughts.

Today is looking like a sequel of yesterday. I don't know how much longer I can keep this facade up.

I've been on Lamictal for a month now. It really has helped me, despite yesterday. I've had some rapid cycling, but was able to deal with it. I am better than how I was before taking it. I also take 75mg Seroquel, 80mg Strattera, and 10mg Ambien.

The only thing that seems to get me through this job is vacation days, sick days, holidays. I'm taking next Tues and Wed off and that's all I'm looking forward to right now. And then the week after that we have July 4th off. I know it's bad when I yell at my daughter. I hate it, it's me being my fucking mother. Here come the tears again.

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I'm on lamictal 300 mg and seroquel- 250 mg. Maybe you need to go up on both the lamictal and seroquel. It has helped me tremendoulsy. YMMV and all , and I am not a pdoc, but I think you should call your pdoc and see about some med increases. I hope you are feeling better soon. Love,mel

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Thanks, Rainbow, thanks, Mel. I think the most difficult aspect of this is having to pretend that nothing is wrong (at work).

I have to wait another 8 days before titrating up to 100mg on the Lamictal. I've read numerous posts about how mood problems until finally reaching mood stabilization. I've been through so many mood stabilizers and have had the best results with Lamictal. God, I just need to get through this period of time.

Thanks for your thoughts...

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Ugh!  With you on the mixed states.  Absolutely insane!

I've been hitting mania and medicating with more Seroquel for over a week.  Then i have o couple of days where I'm so depressed I can't move.

I don't get the euphoria others experience.  Last week on my way to the pdoc, I was rising with agitation and rapid thoughts I couldn't follow.  I tried singing to myself to try to concentrate.  Wanted to get to the doc so he could "see" me and knew he'd have something to calm me.  then this thought just stopped my brain.  It said (not an outside voice) "If you push someone in front of an oncoming train, you will feel better".  I ran home and took the seroquel which knocked me out for about 12 hours.  I can't tell you how scary it was to have that thought.  Now I know why a few yrs back, this homeless guy hit a woman over the head with a brick and responded when asked why, "I had to."

I've been having these rises nearly every day.  The doc did give me 25 mg pills of seroquel, so I can try those without the complete coma.  I swear when I take it at night, I don't think I could arouse myself if there was a fire in the building.

A very intelligent and sensible friend I have pointed out that it's prolly best that I don't have the euphoria which might distract me from how bad it was getting.  It was very astute.

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