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All last week I was doing really well. In fact, the last couple of weeks I really believed I was on the mend and the depression was beginning to wane. I'm still taking my 40mg Paxil every night. My Topamax has done wonders for my migraines. I had 13 last month and thus far I've had 2 this month.

Everything hasn't been rosy, I'll admit. My therapist told me that she is moving. That was a big let down. I've had the usual job stress and daily life stuff too. Yet, I was happy...or as close to happy as I've been in quite some time.

Now everything sucks again. All I really want to do is go home and go to sleep. Instead I've got tons of work to do and meetings to attend. Then I have to go home and put on a fake attitude that the world isn't collapsing upon itself. Rinse and repeat...throw in a trip to the in-laws.

I'm tired of it. Why the tease of a two good weeks? During that time every little problem seemed managable, now they seem like cataclysmic events.

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Oh I so hate those teasers!  Yay!  Rose tint my world for a couple of weeks!  Then shit on me!  Why?  That never-ending question.  Why?  Why me?

I haven't noticed the difference in the migraines with the topamax.  I still get them. Hmmm....

Anyway...when I'm depressed, or they "up" my dosage on my meds, I tend to always want to sleep.  I also have these bouts with "I'm bored...so EAT!!!"  Since I have this weight issue, it really bothers me.  I'll try to drink lots of water (have to anyway because it's doctor's orders because of the topamax and kidney disease).  Now that I'm manic, I'm dealing with I'm so tired, but my mind is too awake to sleep.  I'll take these cat naps....and when I do sleep, it's only for two to four hours a night.

Stress will also make you extremely tired and it will effect your moods.  But I'm sure you knew that already.  With your therapist leaving, I'm sure that's adding some serious stress in your world.

Hang in there, Mack.  I'm on your side!

Elizabeth

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Thanks Elizabeth.

You know if this is life, then I just don't see the point anymore. I swear I feel like a damned automaton watching my body go through the motions. It really fooled me this time. I wasn't expecting it to get this bad, this quickly again.

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Hi, Mack,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've crashed back into depressionland. My experience has been that when I'm doing okay, but not great, that bad events in life can easily bring back full blown depression almost instantly. Losing a trusted therapist more than qualifies as a bad event.

From the sound of your posts your current treatment is helping but not bringing about a full remission of depression. Please talk to your doc about this. When you have a partial reduction in symptoms, the falls through the floor can be brutal.

We'll all hang in together. There are a lot of us not doing so hot right now.

Greeny

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One of many hard things about a short breakthrough is that, when it's gone, you can hardly remember it, and it seems to have gone in a second. But depression always feels like it will go on for ever. brrrruyccchhh And the whole thing is, in itself, pretty damn depressing.

In my case, when the depression is starting to break up, the improvement's never linear. I get little short interludes of feeling better. Then, gradually and unpredictably, they come more often and stay longer. So far, this has always meant that I'd have at least a couple of months without any major depression.

I sure hope/wish that that will be the case with you,.

tom

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My experience has been that when I'm doing okay, but not great, that bad events in life can easily bring back full blown depression almost instantly.

That's how it works for me, too.  Like hanging onto the edge of the cliff as opposed to tumbling over it, but at any second a light breeze could send you toppling right back down.

It's a shame we can't be more stress-resistant.  I know my inability to maintain a partial remission/dysthymic state sometimes makes me feel like a mental weakling  ;) But that's just how it goes.

:::Hugs:::, Mack, and anyone else who's temporarily lost their grip.

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Thanks all,

I'm just really struggling. Lots of suicidal thoughts today. I'm just tired of the pain. I don't really have much to look forward to either. Work is tough, home feels like as much of a chore as work. I think driving in my car would be my favorite time if it weren't for the traffic.

Ah well.

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Mack, hang on!  I'm in the same place you are and we need to stay strong until we find the meds that work.  What you're feeling now is the depression, but underneath the depression is a YOU that can once again enjoy your life.  It is really hard to keep going at times like this, but we just have to, there is no other choice. There are people who are counting on us being here, and we need to stay alive and do the things necessary to get better, until one day we can WANT our lives again.  Have you called your pdoc to tell him/her about this slide?  If not, you need to do that.  What about therapy, have you gotten a referral from your therapist?  I think it is important that you start looking for another therapist right away.  Certainly the news that your therapist is moving could have contributed to this crash - I know it would for me.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the things you can do for now. 

mahina

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Mack, hang in there, please...

Lots of us are going through some tough times now--our own private little hells.

One step at a time, ok? Sometimes I have to take life ten minutes at a time to just exist, let alone feel good/ have a measure of peace. It's been good before and it will be again.

Keep talking and sharing and try to love yourself just a wee bit--or let us love you until you can.

We love ya anyway...we are in the same boat, mate.

Spike

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Thanks very much, you all are the best.

I'm still trudging on, like Spike said 10 minutes at a time. The less I think about the future, the better really. It is like carrying a load of bricks on your back and someone keeps coming along and adding more weight, you know?

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Mack,

If you are having a lot of suicidal thoughts you need to call your doc. Maybe you need to go up on the paxil. this is serious. go back and read Bobby's thread from the begining to see what suicide does to children.

Call your doc, ok?

Raven

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Hi Mack

Can you pick me up along the way into or out of depressionland thanks.

No, I know what you mean I am desperately seeking a way out of this damn world too.  Not that I recommend that for anyone but just letting you know that it happens to all of us.

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mack, buddy.

hold those horses. you're a smart guy. you know depression. part of you knows that it is the depression talking. i know it doesn't feel like it right now. and believe me i know how you feel.

if you are seriously considering suicide get your ass in your car and go to emergency. seriouly. get your ass in your car and get to emerg.

grouse

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Ok I found you...Mack have you seen your doc yet? I am here for you Mack..Pm me if you like. I would love to ponder the mysteries of the pit with you..I would really like to be a support to you..Goodness knows you have been there for me numerous times..

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Thanks very much, you all are the best.

I'm still trudging on, like Spike said 10 minutes at a time. The less I think about the future, the better really. It is like carrying a load of bricks on your back and someone keeps coming along and adding more weight, you know?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Mack, I'm so happy that you are trudging along...sometimes that is all we can do. and I understand about the "thinking about the future." The more I stay out of it, the better I can handle those ten minutes. Easy to say, hard to do...

but I cannot allow myself the luxury of thinking I can script what is going to happen--either it's too good or too bad, there is no middle ground for me.

This will sound weird, but when I feel like another brick is being added, I try to visualize popping one out...doesn't matter which one goes as long as it goes. It works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. For me, the important thing is that I am trying to lessen the load of those bricks...that I'm not just accepting them but actively trying to block/drop one. It's the perceived action that keeps me from feeling like a brick receptacle with no choices.

Oh, does that even make sense? I'm trying to say that if there is even one itty bitty thing I can do to feel some control, I have some hope.

Spike

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spike,

that's an awesome mental model. you know i think that might just work for me. does it work for you mack?

grouse

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks, grouse...

and I hope it works for Mack!

it came about from listening to one of those sucky "postive thinking" tapes ;)   but the phrase, "Garbage In, Garbage Out" (GIGO, for short) stuck with me.  It gave me that little tiny sense of not having to take everything that was thrown at me and accept it as truth.

On really bad days, GI-GO is a litany for me. Sometimes it's garbage others are dumping on me, many times it's my own crap that I'm fighting...but it gives me a bit of positive mental action to take instead of feeling helpless.

Spike

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