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Hi all,

I got a question. just tell me what u all think.  I think my bf is gay.  I know he is bi, but more and more he seems to only like guys and only get really excited about guys.  He likes me and gets all turned on by me, but i think i am the only girl he does.  I mean we are open about stuff like that.  Always have been.  We would see a hot girl or guy and be like yeh she is hot, I would do her...  I dunno, now he never seems to notice girls even...  I mean he does me, but we do a lot of roleplay fantasy crap where i am a guy, and whatever....  I mean it doesnt bother me and sometimes i think its sorta hot, but how do u know if he is actually gay?  I dont wanna be making him stay or shit because if he is gay, i think he should go for it.  but i do love him so i dont wanna lose him.  I dunno.  Fuck.  Just tell me what u think.  I dont got time to write all the shit now and dont really care to but i'll add more later if i can. 

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First off, if he's turned on, etc.,  by you, does it matter whether the other people he's attracted to are male or female?

Myself, I used to get turned on by way more men than women, but most of all by my wife. (Unfortunately, these days, with meds and all, I don't much get turned on at all, but that's another story.) And I only ever acted on the attraction to guys once, and that was long ago. And, also long ago, my pdoc told me, and I believe it, that if fantasies help, and it's in the aid of love. . .???

And have you tried talking to him about it?

tom

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i say i'm bi, but i'm definitely on the lesbian end of the spectrum.  until about a year ago, i'd only ever dated women before.  my sex drive is pretty low to begin with, and very few men seem attractive to me.  then i met my current bf.  he's straight, but he's effeminate enough to be attractive to me and he's been pretty connected to the queer community. 

all that's to say that there's no reason your bf might be mostly attracted to guys but also attracted to you.  as long as he's content with you and doesn't feel the need/desire to be with other men, then i wouldn't worry about it.  more than anything, gay and bi are just labels to approximately describe our sexuality.  it's more important that you both are getting what you both currently want/need in your lives.  have you talked with him about this stuff?

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yeh i try talking to him about it a lot.  thing is he says that he get turned on the most  by me, but i can tell the difference.  he is WAY more turned on by guys then by me.  I mean when you been together a long time you know the difference.  And if i am "a guy" he is way more turned on.  I know he loves me and stuff, but he just seems way more excited by guys, and half the time when we are having sex, he is imagining i am some hot guy from earlier or something.  i just would like to be me sometimes. 

I am bi too, that is part of how we met, so i get the whole liking both, and for the most part i like girls more, but since him, he is the only one that turns me on like that, and i dont want anyone else, male of female, but it just seems different with him.

I think in a commited relationship you should just see each other.  i am always finding out about some guy, and he doesnt think its cheating because its a guy not a girl, and i dont care who it is, if he wants to be in a committed relationship with me, i dont think he should have sex with anyone else. 

He says it is ok for me to have sex with other girls, but i just know how i feel about him, and i dunno, i just dont wanna have sex with anyone other then him...  i dunno    ;)

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I think in a commited relationship you should just see each other.  i am always finding out about some guy, and he doesnt think its cheating because its a guy not a girl, and i dont care who it is, if he wants to be in a committed relationship with me, i dont think he should have sex with anyone else. 

He says it is ok for me to have sex with other girls, but i just know how i feel about him, and i dunno, i just dont wanna have sex with anyone other then him...  i dunno    ;)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

it's possible that he isn't being honest about his feelings for you.  it's also possible that he has brief but strong feelings for men - that he has lots of sexual attraction but wouldn't want a committed relationship with a man.  and it's also possible that he will swing back and forth between which is stronger, attraction to men or women.  you can't know what's happening for sure until he figures it out and is willing to tell you.  all of these possibilities are things i've seen among the bi community.

however...  it sounds like the big issue now may be about monogamy vs polyamory.  are you really okay with him having sex with guys?  is it enough for you to want to end the relationship?  is he willing to be monogamous if that's what you want?  dealing with poly issues is complicated and the only times i've seen it work well is when both people are clear about and agree to what is and isn't okay.  for example, is it okay never or occasionally and how often?  are there safety issues?  or can sex once be okay but not an actual "relationship"?  or is a relationship okay but not casual sex?  does he need a brief period of time to just date men and, if he hasn't before, to know what he's missing, or if he has, to satisfy the urge and then go back to being monogamous?

it's hard to discuss this stuff and be honest about it when there are lots of tangled up feelings, probably on both sides.  but if it still feels unresolved, then it sounds like the discussion isn't done yet. 

~johanna

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I think in a commited relationship you should just see each other.  i am always finding out about some guy, and he doesnt think its cheating because its a guy not a girl, and i dont care who it is, if he wants to be in a committed relationship with me, i dont think he should have sex with anyone else. 

He says it is ok for me to have sex with other girls, but i just know how i feel about him, and i dunno, i just dont wanna have sex with anyone other then him...  i dunno    ;)

It sounds like this is the problem here: not so much whether he's gay or bi, but who he's having sex with besides you. And I do hope very much that you're using lots of protection during sex!

You need to decide what you want out of the relationship and what you're willing to agree to/tolerate. You seem to want monogamy, and he seems to have a bit of a loose definition of it. I think you two need to talk about this and your relationship -- is it satisfying for both of you? Are either of you willing to compromise or change to strengthen it? And how?

This must be a tough position, I hope it works out well for you.

Fiona

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