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So,

I am Bipolar and I dissociate.

Do I go here for questions? Is this where I belong when it comes to talking about what happens to me when I get triggered?

I feel like I need a referral on this site, sometimes.

Go to SI for SI questions, Bipolar pages for those, med pages for med questions...

Can anyone help me if Im not a multiple or dont have DID?

Im dissociated now, for crying out loud.

?

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Do I go here for questions? Is this where I belong when it comes to talking about what happens to me when I get triggered?

I feel like I need a referral on this site, sometimes.

You don't have to be a multiple to post here. And this is a good place to talk about dissociation, there are a couple people around we're just not much of a posting bunch.

So what's up with the dissociation?

Fiona

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I'm new around here and don't know where to put anything either.  But it does say on the banner out front that it's for DID, MPD and other dissociative disorders.  I do have DID, that's why I'm hanging aournd here...

Is there something you wanted to say about the dissociation that you're experiencing right now?  Like Fiona said, it's rather slow in these parts.  We'd be happy to read and help if we can.

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Thanks, guys.

You actually responded pretty quickly.

Well, I learned how to dissociate as a child. My brother beat the shit out of me and locked me in the dark basement- where I think it started- repeatedly.

I dont remember any of the abuse, save for headlocks and some verbal abuse, but my brother said he tortured me.

I actually dont remember much of my childhood. Or my life. My doc thinks I learned to dissociate so well, that its what I did to survive my teen years.

I think I did it automatically whenever anything got too emotionally charged or I was uncomfortable.

So, I started cutting as a teen, as well. I am now 32 and havent cut in 15 years- but now I know why I did. ANd why I want to recently. ANd why I started smoking here and there again.

Anyway- We were poking at some fantasy I have that is pretty hard and poof- I checked out. I had to page him and he had to bring me down.

Im already on an anti-psychotic- abilify- at a very low dose. It seems like the rispedal worked better on keeping me in my body...Im all over the place, sorry...

So, yesterday, I was reading the SI board and a girl's post triggered me really bad. It made me think of the stuff we're talking about in therapy and just catapulted me back to being a teen and why I have this fantasy. I checked out again. I smoked again. Had to call the doc again.

So, I dont really know whay my question is. I had one yesterday, but forgot it.

I guess I just wanted to know where to go to talk about this stuff. Ppl on the BP board dont really know much about it. And when I talk about it elsewhere ppl go, "REALLY"???? like Im an enigma.

Whats more problematic is that when I diss., I dont remember things. That peice of my life is gone. It sucks. It breaks my heart. I checked out half of my life with my daughter.

And what's amazing is that I thought I was normal my whole life. NORMAL. great childhood, no trauma, blah blah blah.

I've only been in therapy since last September! And look at me.

I need to reclaim  my life.

Thanks for reading.

energ

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hey energ,

this is the place for dissociation related questions even if ya don't have DID. I don't but i've been writing about my experiences with dissociation on this forum. i don't usually read the springer threads coz i get so mad at the way some kids get treated and i'm mad enuff already. i'm not surprised that you ended up dissociating so much when you had such scary stuff happen to you. alot of people i know don't remember their childhoods, i'm trying to remember mine so that i can find some answers about wtf is wrong now in the present.

i cut as a teenager as well for a few years, it was the only way to get rid of the anger without being yelled at for being angry. but then my parents found out and i got yelled at for the cutting. my asstard treatment team sure weren't very helpful with their moron ideas about the best way to get me to stop doing it either.

ok so i'm trying to talk about you not me here. maybe you'll remember your question sometime soon. happens to me i forget something, then when i'm not actively trying to remember it pops into my head sometime the next day. well you're on the right board. ooh yeah dissociating can be pretty problematic alright. makes everything blur together into some big heap of nothingness. i hope you start to remember the good bits of your life like the time you've spent with your daughter. it's in your head somewhere the problem is finding it.

i thought my life/childhood was pretty good before age 15 but that was just coz i couldn't remember it. i had to have other people tell me it wasn't to jog my memory. i have vague memories of my parents fighting alot but that's about it. won't repeat it since i bitched enough in my own thread on this board.

hope that didn't come out too jumbled. wanted you to know i read your post and it makes sense to me.

NZer

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energ,

Hey Im new here and Im Bipolar and I dissociate too.  I dont remember a lot of my life like you.  I dont really remember anything before I was 7 years old and the thought of that scares the hell out of me.  I also forget a lot of stuff now too.  I check out a lot too.  I hate it !!  I use to cut all the time from like age 14-22.  I did it a lot when I was a teenager and it slowed down the older I got.  I havent done it that much in the past few years. I am 28 now and I have probably only cut like maybe 6 times this year but I do think about it a lot.  Anyway just wanted to say hi and tell you we have a lot in common.. Take care !

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It's alarming to discover that something happened and you don't remember, isn't it? The first time I realized there were things that I had forgotten not just because people forget things, but because I had dissociated it my world tilted sideways.

I have trouble dissociating into the bad past. So if my therapist and I've been talking about my having been raped, he has to talk me back into the present because I get caught in that past incredibly unsafe moment and then I can't move at all. Unfortunately, the same thing happens when trying to actually have sex with my wonderful partner -- I get caught in that past and can't separate it from today. There are other things that catch me that way, but that is by far the worst.

The only way out of this stuff seems to be through. And that's not always the easiest path. I hope you'll be able to reunite with more of the wonderful memories of your daughter -- would it help, do you think, if she tried to remind you? Or you looked at photos together?

Fiona

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Just wanted to say thanks real quick for letting non DID people post here.

I go into "dream states" at least once a day, but I never could tell if I was dissociated or was just daydreaming.

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Thanks Fiona, for that suggestion about looking at photos.

My daughter is only 3- not even- and she is growing up so fast. I dont want to keep losing my time with her while she is young and sweet and wants to sit on my lap.

I had to page my doc again Wednesday. DIssociated again. Got so agitated I was shaking.

Didnt SI again, though until last night, and I was only poking myself with a pin.

Anyway, it helps to know I have somewhere to go. People like me.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a disorder because I feel liek there are 2 or 3 of me- who dont keep in touch with eachother.

But we wont go there right now....

thanks again. WIll let you know how my appt goes today.

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I'm BP and I don't know if I dissociate.  I know that I 'zone out' sometimes, and people have thought that I was have a seizure of some kind because I stare blankly ahead and don't respond to anything.  I don't always remember what happens when I'm like that.  It happens randomly too.  Moreso if I haven't taken my meds and I'm feeling irritable, edgy and unstable.  But I'll chat up with anyone about it, even though I don't really have much knowledge about the disorder itself.

~rachael

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Hi,

I dissociat a lot, w/o having DID. I just feel removed from the real world. I always feel like not there, not the old me. I feel drugged, so drugged, all the time. I can easily loose memory, orientation, especially when I go on and out of a place. I can't get used to it. It scares me. I search a med who could bring me back to earth sometimes. ;) (

Been 2 years like that, and I don't know how much time will I endure feeling lost like that. It's not a life.

DPmom

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Hi Energ.

I am on Paxil 20 mg since more than a month (maybe 2) and Klonopin, 0,5 mg a day, sometimes more. I also take zopiclone to sleep and clam emergency.

I am diagnosed Major depression, PSSD (delivery), GAD and DP disorder.

It's since my delivery, since 2 years. I got a cesarean and I kind of lost myself and my memory.

I feel like something is missing in my brain, horrible. I don't work for now, take care of my child, but I feel hopeless. I feel like I really lost my memory and I have time lapses, and sometimes I just feel I will loose it. The derealization is so hard, like when you are on the pot. I feel stoned, really. I was like that before meds, right at the delivery. It started.

I am with you,

Dpmom

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DP mom,

I also was triggered by the delivery of my daughter. I am Bi polar and my delivery triggered a MAJOR episode of fluctuating mania and depression that lasted 2.5 years.

I have only been in therapy for...8 months and on meds for 6. I think i've tried...hmm...10 meds? and am on 5 simultaneously.

where am I going with this? Well, I was dissociating regularly until I got on an antipsychotic. Risperdal worked great, but made me lactate (again:)) and now im on abilify.

Without that, I dont know what I wuld do. that med makes me feel more normal than any of the others. What are the others?

Effexor

trazodone

neurontin

inderol

I dont know what anyone else has to say about meds, but that one little med seems to ahve given me my life back.

And more importantly- given me my life with my daughter. I am able to enjoy her more...and feel happy for her when she does amazing things...and really experience the love I feel for her.

So, at the risk of sounding patronizing, and I am NOT THE voice of experience, I hope you are seing a psychiatrist for your meds and have told him/her about your derealization and how you feel. Paxil isnt going to fix that.

hang in there, take it easy on yourself and know that were here.

energ

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Dissociation is a defense mechanism that helps us to escape extreme pain be it phyiscal, mental, emotional while it is occuring. During a trauma, or a traumatic experience, dissociation allows you to get through the ordeal by by-passing a fully conscious state. So, dissociation can be very helpful. When you are reminded of a trauma, have a flashback, or in therapy working on some trauma, you may have periods of dissociation, again it is a form of protection to keep your conscious mind from being overwhelmed. The memories that caused you to dissosciate in the first place may bring about dissociation when you are trying to deal with them in therapy, but they can also be overcome with good theraputic work. Like Fiona said, the only way out is through.

I used to dissociate all day long and not only not remember what I did but then suddenly "wake up" and wonder what I did all day long. I would walk around in a fog and no work would get done. My dissocaition was tied to PTSD experiences but once I began dealing whith these traumatic experiences in therapy I started to dissociate less and less.

I do still have periods of depersonalization and derealization even though I take an AP. At these times it is more of a psychological than a psychiatric problem. Meaning, that there are issues brought about stress and they captivate my thinking rather than it being an actual bio-chemical./phsyiological reaction (not saying that dissociation can not create a certain phsyiological reaction in the brain). I still have these periods of derealization when I am on AP meds but I know it is something I have to work out therapeutically. I believe being on an AP can help, but I have no idea if APs or any other med can keep one from dissocaiting. The best thing to do is to try to notice the triggers that bring on the dissocaition and to work on recognizing as soon as you begin to dissociate. This helps to get to the root of the problem. Easier said then done, I know.

Erika

Erika

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Dissociation is a defense mechanism that helps us to escape extreme pain be it phyiscal, mental, emotional while it is occuring. During a trauma, or a traumatic experience, dissociation allows you to get through the ordeal by by-passing a fully conscious state. So, dissociation can be very helpful. When you are reminded of a trauma, have a flashback, or in therapy working on some trauma, you may have periods of dissociation, again it is a form of protection to keep your conscious mind from being overwhelmed. The memories that caused you to dissosciate in the first place may bring about dissociation when you are trying to deal with them in therapy, but they can also be overcome with good theraputic work. Like Fiona said, the only way out is through.

I used to dissociate all day long and not only not remember what I did but then suddenly "wake up" and wonder what I did all day long. I would walk around in a fog and no work would get done. My dissocaition was tied to PTSD experiences but once I began dealing whith these traumatic experiences in therapy I started to dissociate less and less.

I do still have periods of depersonalization and derealization even though I take an AP. At these times it is more of a psychological than a psychiatric problem. Meaning, that there are issues brought about stress and they captivate my thinking rather than it being an actual bio-chemical./phsyiological reaction (not saying that dissociation can not create a certain phsyiological reaction in the brain). I still have these periods of derealization when I am on AP meds but I know it is something I have to work out therapeutically. I believe being on an AP can help, but I have no idea if APs or any other med can keep one from dissocaiting. The best thing to do is to try to notice the triggers that bring on the dissocaition and to work on recognizing as soon as you begin to dissociate. This helps to get to the root of the problem. Easier said then done, I know.

Erika

Erika

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Erika,

Which AP are you on? I just started Lamictal, if it doesn't work, will try AP.

I am also on therapy since 2 years.

Thanks!!!

dpmom

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Thanks Erika,

that was sooo amazingly helpful for me to read. Especially:

I do still have periods of depersonalization and derealization even though I take an AP. At these times it is more of a psychological than a psychiatric problem. Meaning, that there are issues brought about stress and they captivate my thinking rather than it being an actual bio-chemical./phsyiological reaction (not saying that dissociation can not create a certain phsyiological reaction in the brain). I still have these periods of derealization when I am on AP meds but I know it is something I have to work out therapeutically.

That does still happen to me alot- especially as I am dealing with some heady stuff in therapy. I think sometimes I shut down as my unconcious mind starts to work something out by itself. I often wonder which of my thoughts are related to those inner workings.

In fact, I feel totally out of body right now as we speak.

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Hi Erika,

Which AP are you on? I just started Lamictal, if it doesn't work, will try AP.

I am also on therapy since 2 years.Thanks!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I take Zyprexa it seems to work best for me but I have only tried one other AP, Abilify and that was a disaster. I have taken Zyprexa on and off for years anywhere from 5-20mg and alawys short term. I have been on Zyprexa 10mg since the beginning of this year. The longest time I have ever taken it. My thoughts were so disorganized that I welcomed, and still do, being on the Zyprexa even given some weight gain problems. I have been lucky that I have been able to keep my Zyprexa weight gain under 10lbs.

I also take Lamictal 400mg, klonopin 2-3mg a day, Trileptal 300mg, and synthroid due to lithium induced hypothyroidism (stopped the Lithium but the thyroid hasn't returned to normal.)

Erika

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That does still happen to me alot- especially as I am dealing with some heady stuff in therapy. I think sometimes I shut down as my unconcious mind starts to work something out by itself. I often wonder which of my thoughts are related to those inner workings.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

energ,

it happens to me when I am under a lot of stress too. I think letting your unconscious work on things is a good idea. But I have also had times when my rumination and anxiety increase and then my cogntion goes to crap when I am brewing on something in my unconscious and it is getting the better of me. My pdoc has tried to get me to try to stop and try to record, or remember, what problem I may be working on or what is bothering me at the moment when I begin to ruminate etc.

Erika

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