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i've struggled with depression for yrs and have all sorts of unhealthy coping mechanisms... cutting is a more recent one, but that self-destructive streak has always been strong. ive tried to substitute "healthy" coping mechanisms, but they never work. apparently, nothing will satisfy that self-destructive impulse..

that impulse is something i have always wondered about. i want to hurt myself, whereas "normal" people have that "self-preservation" drive. where did i screw up? did i miss that day? or is my version of that gene just defective? i dunno...

i had a relevation a few months ago, my tdoc actually pointed it out, that "overwhelming" is a bad feeling for me. when i get overwhelmed is when i turn to the unhealthy coping mechanisms. its good that i know that but its so hard to explain to others.

i tackled the hurdle of explaining the MI and SI to my new SO and he took it pretty well.  he didnt notice the scars but i couldnt handle the wondering so i told him where they came from--me. later when he noticed the scars he called me a retard--which i expected. his way of telling me thats the WRONG way to cope, which is something i know but... the thing is, for the most part, i'm doing really well right now, school is over for the summer, our relationship is going great, my two best friends are close by and super supportive... and yet, i'm doing so well that its overwhelming and i want to cut... but cutting is negative. the problem is, its a coping mechanism for when i feel overwhelmed and things are going so well that THAT is overwhelming. i feel good and that scares me--how fucked up is that? but its true, life is good for once and i'm scared shitless and i want to cut. i've managed to abstain for now, but the possibility scares me. how on earth am i gonna explain to the great people in my life who have been so good to me that its cuz i feel so good that i want to cut? i'm gonna try my darnedest NOT to cut, but what if it happens? then i'll feel guilty not only for cutting, or for letting down those i love, but also for making them feel bad cuz cutting is bad and if i'm doing it thats bad and they've done something wrong (i'm not sure if that makes sense to any of you, but it makes sense in my head).

i'm sorry, i'm rambling. i'm struggling and just dont know what to do. obviously, DONT CUT is the first part. but HOW do i do that? and if i'm not strong enough to not, how do i explain it to those i love? i dunno...

thanks for giving me a safe place to vent... best wishes all... haley

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... and yet, i'm doing so well that its overwhelming and i want to cut... but cutting is negative. the problem is, its a coping mechanism for when i feel overwhelmed and things are going so well that THAT is overwhelming. i feel good and that scares me--how fucked up is that? but its true, life is good for once and i'm scared shitless and i want to cut. i've managed to abstain for now, but the possibility scares me.

This makes perfect sense to me.  I also tend to SI when I'm overwhelmed, be it in a bad way or a good way.  Sure SI is not a healty way of coping with overwhelming feelings, but the reason why we do that is because we were never taught how to deal with them.  That doesn't make us fucked up.  If anyone is fucked up it's the people who were supposed to teach us how to cope in a healthy manner.  We are the ones who have to deal with the fallout and that's why we tend to think we're the fucked up ones.

That being said...I'm not a great one to give advice on healty coping skills, for I don't think I have any.  My answer to shield people away from my "stuff" is to hide it when I can, which leads to more feelings of guilt because I'm basically lying to people when I wear the I'm-doing-fine-and-great mask.  When I can't hide it I isolate.  But I don't have an SO anymore (thanks to the SI, et. al.) and now I can be as lonely as I want to. ;)

It's a difficult situation to deal with.  Not many "normal" people can understand how feeling so good can be so scarry.  I just wanted you to know that I does make sense to me.

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SI is a major adiction, in my 22 years of life I have beaten so many adictions but the SI is the one which I find so hard and the hardest to 'kick' 

I once explained to someone that with SI its just as much an adiction as drink is to a alcholic, smoking is to a smoker, etc.......

I could write pages on si and how it becomes an adiction as a way to cope,

if ever you want to vent im always listening

x

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Haley,

I am a recent SIer too, in the past year or so.  I found none of the coping effects helped me much.  What did help me was someone telling me please try to stop because when you cut I feel like you cut me too.  I guess if you find what you need that's what helps.  Not much help I know.

I cut for 2 reasons.  The first was depersonalization.  It was a check for myself to prove I exsisted.  The second was to punish myself for what I thought was inappropriate anger.

Someone on this board, explained to me that if you research SI you will find that there are experts who consider SI a suicide preventative.  I can't say I'm impressed with your SO.  I don't see how calling you a "retard" is supportive.  This freaks a lot of people out.  If he cares about you, you might suggest that he educate himself on the subject.  Maybe his support would help you kick the habit.

My SO just chooses to ignore it.  He can't handle the idea of it, but he neither condems or supports me in it.  If he can't cope with it, thats okay, but don't call me names when you don't know what you are talking about.

Take care and PM me if you ever think it will help.

Deb

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