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my ED hell


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i am addicted to my eating disorder. i cant give it up. my new p-doc will be so pissed at me when i go to see him on friday because he gave me zyprexa to "try" even though i "tried" it once with my old doc. it just makes me hungary. hungary=binging=self induced vomiting=cutting. so i am stopping the med tonight.

i would much rather have my conversations with dead people, be paranoid, and do all the other nasty psychotic symptoms then be FAT.

i look at the latest pics of nicole richie and YES i am so jealous, i would love to be that disciplined that i could be that skinny. i know you will say she looks gross. but i'd rather her body then mine.

even though i am in the healthy weight range. i have an ugly body. no one would ever look twice at me.

anyway, this is becoming a poor me rant. i just am so caught up in this and now i am refusing meds again. logic tells me this is no good, but my emotions are in total control.

i have had this eating disorder for 8yrs at least, and i am in my early twenties so its been a good while. i dont know how i will defeat this with out meds, but i cant beat it by getting fat. i will never be happy and fat, its like chalk and cheese it just doesnt go.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Damn, I know the feeling of pouring out your soul in a post and obsessively waiting for someone, anyone to respond to it. Since you read and responded to the recent post by ;) at the top, it sounds like things are as ok as they can be. I suffer from my own breed of eating dysfunction, so in some ways I can definitely empathize. I try to recognize that for me, being crazy fucks everything up and that's the thing that I need to deal with first and foremost. I figure that once I'm sane, I can deal with all the other shit, like the weight issues because I'll have a clear mind. That being said, I have thus far refused to take remeron, despite my pdoc's urging because I'm terrified that it would make me balloon. I hope you and your pdoc have already found a med that'll deal with the crazy and make the issue of purging less overwhelming to treat.

Not sure if this helps much, but just wanted to let you know that we are out here and dealing with the same sorts of issues. Good luck with the med changes. They're always hell, but it's generally worth it when you do find that med that just fits.

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I didn't see this post before, otherwise I would have replied.

What about instead of getting "fat" you get muscular and toned? Just an option I'm throwing out there.

I know what it's like to hate my body - I've actually got a BMI of 32 (damn meds, but I binge when I'm not taking them, so I guess it's better this way) -- anyway I've hated it all growing up. I hate the compulsions that I get for looking at "thinspiration sites" because I know they're bad. The magazines are all bad for us too.

Think of your diet and whether or not you eat healthy. Think of the foods. I know it's hard not to purge, but if you eat lo-cal foods then maybe you can convince yourself to not purge because it's not that high of calories that you consumed. Take your weight and add a zero to it (since you're at a healthy weight as you say) and that should be about the amount of calories you eat a day to maintain that weight (I don't know if this is exactly true, but generally, I think it works) Like I'm 190, so 1900 calories will sustain me at a lo calorie diet. You don't want to dip below this otherwise you can be sick. ...anyway, enough ranting.

Feel free to PM me or IM me - superchar42 on all

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thanks for your replies, i was just having a "grumpy" day when i replied to my own email.

u know the days when no one cares for you, well thats what your head is telling you anyways!

anyways today i dont hate the world, and i dont think everyone in the world hates me. So thank you for taking the time to reply even though i am sure u all have a lot going on in your own lives.

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thanks for your replies, i was just having a "grumpy" day when i replied to my own email.

u know the days when no one cares for you, well thats what your head is telling you anyways!

anyways today i dont hate the world, and i dont think everyone in the world hates me. So thank you for taking the time to reply even though i am sure u all have a lot going on in your own lives.

I think we all get those, especially here.

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