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I'm actually "going home" for a couple of days--


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Short story--I moved to Fla. last Sept. from Charlesston where all my friends are, a place I dearly loved, a house I loved, etc. etc. Hubby got a great new job here, so we packed up and here we are.

During the last 12 months here, I have:

1) changed pdocs 3 times

2) admitted myself to the hospital after a great "gesture" involving Klonopin

3) got fired from a job I loved for no reason, except boss wanted to hire her cousin

4) found another job--for about 3 months(which included 2 weeks off for my "nervous breakdown" which happened at work)

and

5) spent almost 4 months recovering from major back surgery, folowing the worse continual, chronic [ain I have ever imagined--which came on really fast

All in all, its been a pretty werid and miserable year. No friends here, now no job--and on and on--

So-tonite, we are leaving for a weekend back in C'ton, staying with my "sister" and seeing lots of very dear people.

And I am so depressed and anxious and sad and just--bottomed out that I cannot even figure out how to throw a pair of jeans in a bag and go.

This makes no sense--I can't do anything but sleep, and sit on the couch. I look horrid, haven't even taken a shower, its pouring rain and thundering (which I love) and I just want to go stand in it. Maybe a lightening bolt will hit me. I should be so happy about seeing the people I love, who have stood by me (even just on e-mail) for the last year. And all I can do is cry and not stop

The depression has been creeping up on me for about 3 days--probably since I knew for sure we were going "home" tonite. But my kids are both having horrible problelms, and here I sit, and I cannot fid a job--no one wil even interview me, and all I have said , to myself only, for a year is "I want to go home". But now I realize its not home, this is--

I hurt so bad--this is NOT what was supposed to happen with the chance to see and spend time with the people I truly love in this world, esp. one who is dying of cancer, and we never thought we would get to see him alive again.

I am such a wreck--

china

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The depression has been creeping up on me for about 3 days--probably since I knew for sure we were going "home" tonite. But my kids are both having horrible problelms, and here I sit, and I cannot fid a job--no one wil even interview me, and all I have said , to myself only, for a year is "I want to go home". But now I realize its not home, this is--
hm. maybe your depression is coming out because you're letting your guard down. You know you're going home to people you love and trust and you can cry on their shoulders all you want.
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I agree with Libby. You've held it together through an unbelievable amount of shit this year, and now you're going back to a place where you (probably) don't have to put a happy face on things. Though I know you'd like to... but remember that if these are true friends who genuinely love and care for you, they'll take you as you come. Nobody in their right mind would expect you to be all sunshine and joy after what you've been through. I'd try to focus on that.. and on the fact that you'll be experiencing some of the unconditional love that you really need. It may no longer feel like home there, but a dose of special people might be just what you need.

Love ya

L

PS thinking about this some more, I'm wondering if part of your pain in getting up and moving is the thought of seeing your seriously ill friend. But at the risk of sounding corny, I think it's a blessing that you ARE going to be able spend time with him, even if it's the last time. If you don't take that opportunity you'll regret it forever. china, I really think this trip will be so good for you. You and I are alike in that we spend way too much time in our own heads analysing and re-analysing everything. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.. just for now, do the little things, like ncc suggested. And I second the thought that you are absolutely entitled to your feelings - they're yours, and you can't put a value on them.

Take care of yourself hon - picture me sitting here in midwinter with 3 pairs of socks on, and enjoy some sun, love and laughter with the people who know you best.

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Heya ChinaOB,

I think Libby and Skittle have it.

Also:

You feel how you feel, no point should-ing all over yourself (a psychiatrist taught me that one way back in med school).

You can analyze yourself later, but don't beat yourself up for having the feelings you have. Feelings aren't wrong. Mistaken, sometimes, but there's no right or wrong way to feel.

Actions, now, well, you need to do some constructive actions. Focus on the practical side. Like the fact you need to get out of your pyjamas. (Or is that me?) The fact you need to pack clean underwear and a toothbrush. Extra shirt and clean socks if you're ambitious.

(Nothing wrong with standing in the rain for a couple minutes but wear rubber-soled shoes and stay away from trees ... it's *kind of* like a shower.)

And you're quite capable of enjoying this weekend! You'll relax a bit I think.

--ncc--

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Ah, isn't it strange how sometimes we just sort of "know" things are gonna fall apart? I call it "depression in advance".

Well. Another long story short. Probably not going to Charleston tonite. Am getting my Fla. Nursing liscense ASAP. Will have to find a job in a hospital or nursing home ASAP. Or maybe just go back to Charleston--work there.

Husband has not bothered to pay the IRS for --oh, probably 8 years. I file seperately, no fool. They have caught up with him for 2002--$10.000. Who knows how much he owes for how many other years??

So--he willbe bringing home about $400 every 2 weeks for the next year or so.

I am numb I am so angry--and mainly, I am furious with myself for even letting myself get involved wit him, let alone marry him. All my shit is in my name, and I have filed, seperately, every year. So--I suppose I am safe., except for 13 years of emotional investment.

All those notices that came in the mail, and he just let them sit, when he wasn't trying to blame all this on someone--anyone--else. Its always about him, and he is never to blame for anything. EVER.

So--I will certainly send one and all a change of address (and mindset) once I decide what to do. Right now, I just can't seeem to make my brain work. I can't even seem to care--about him, or me, or really, anything right now.

I just want to sleep. I want to cease to exist--just let there be a small "poof" and I can start on the next incarnation, and maybe not make some of the same mistakes.

Wonder where I will turn up?

china

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Add the betrayal of trust and financial neglect of your husband on your list and you have real reasons to feel like crap this year. All of us would feel like you feel if we had to deal with any of that. Don't be afraid to just let it out.

Are you going to go back to C-town to see your family and friends soon? You probably need them to lean on and they probably need you to be there too during this time. I think that the feeling of mutual love and trust could really help you heal from some of the pain you're in.

Kick your husband's balls. He isn't fulfilling his end of the deal and is harming you and the situation a good deal with his actions and lack of actions. At least your honesty with him and yourself will help you to deal with what is going on in the practical world and in your heart as opposed to denial.

Wouldn't we all like to reincarnate as a cat? I think you would, China, and be the most spoiled cat of them all! ;)

Loon

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Well, decided I am going to C'ton tonite--there are people who I love that I need and want to see. Other than that, I'm kinda on auto-pilot.

Funny--I keep thinking about our wedding-unconvential as it was, there WERE some words about "sickness and health" "good times and bad" , "Better or worse". But I sure as fucking hell don't remember anything about "stupidity and the abject total unending poverty it may cause."

After this weekend, I just don't know. I DO know that I am glad I joined a women's support group at the UU church here, meets Monday afternoons--and also glad I have a pdoc appt. on the 31st. Funny thing--the response from my son, the BP twin of mine, who won't take meds, etc was "You need to call your therapist".

And I am very grateful for both Klonopin and Ritalin right now.

Jesus, I just don't want this to start hurting, and its gonna--like when you stub your toe, and it takes a minute for the signal to get to you brain--you think"this is gonna hurt like hell:

And it is-- just waiting for the crash--

china

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Just wanted to give my support, even though I really don't have anything new to come with. I hope spending some time with good friends will help at least a bit.

Just thought of something also... When did you start Ritalin? When did you start feeling like this? Depression is listed as a side effect. Doesn't seem to be that common, I just know that 2 days after I started Ritalin I ended up in the ER from an overdose of Xanax.

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The ride up was 5 hours of total silence. The weekend, at my dear "sister's" house was amazing--got to see almost everyone, even got extrememly fucked up Sat night and had my first hangover in a year!!

Damn my friend Big Barbara and her penchant for Sharaz--and if its there, why, I believe I will have a glass or 4 or 10.

We had your basic "come to jesus" as we say--he is going to the local IRS office on Fri, his day off, with all his papers from pervious years, and ask if they can help. It will NOT stop the immediate deductions, tho, so we decided I would get my Fla. liscense and go back to nursing , hospital type. Great jobs available, with unreal sign-on bonuses.

Just one tiny problem--I do not have the $212 that I must send in with my applicartion. Maybe in October. But as long as I am on unemployment, we just can't make it. If I go back to nursing, we're in good shape--just puts all our plans on a sort of 2 year delay. But I can't afford the liscense.

Welcome to catch 22

I am not really depressed about all this, cause I got all the frustration out over the weekend. The Ritalin helps me be focused, has not caused any depression--it just doesn't last long enough.

I cannot for the life of me figure out where we can come up with the money for basic things, let alone the liscense.

And I'm too fucking old and fat to go back to dancing--or even waitressing somewhere I'd get good tips.

Nothing left to sell, Only things we can cut out is groceries and or my meds. Lovely--

china, frustrated--not depressed, just fucking frustrated.

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I have NO pride, and wouldn't hesitate--but the only family I have is 2 very broke adult kids, and my "family

(i.e. long-term friends who are my family) are all as broke as we are. I have one cousin, who is like a brother, who is pretty well off--but I just don't know. It seems like a lot of money-- My husband has no family at all, except a son, who may or maynot be in Iraq, but at the tender age of 20, has managed to father TWO children with TWO different women, both named Amanda. Can't keep it in his pants, that boy--

And the basic issue is still that what we are bringing in is quite a bit less than even our basic bills--electricity, rent, phone, etc.

I'll give that some thought, tho, Loon--I don't mind asking for a loan, but I loathe having to tell "the world" that I married (and dearly love--who knew??) one of the world's stupidest people, who apparently though he was above everything. If it was my fuck-up, I'd own up to it, and find the money somewhere.

But, oddly enough, I realy hate having him look really bad in the eyes of my family.

Stupid pride, or whatever it is--

china, who turned down a good job interview today, becaue I was going to work as a nurse. The call came before I realized how fucking broke we are--DUH--

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China Cat,

Before your dummy husband hands over his life to the IRS, he should know that you NEVER PAY BACK EVERYTHING YOU OWE. You just don't. You bargain with them. If you owe them $40K and you're poor, you agree to pay them $10K over the next 5 years or whatever.

Don't let him agree to paying it all back 'cause NOBODY does that.

I know someone who didn't pay income taxes for 12 or 13 years. He owed them $110K. He paid them back $30K. They're happy to get part of it, because there are scofflaws who don't pay back anything.

Anyway, I hope things get better for you. I follow your story here at CB, and I'm rooting for you. If you don't borrow anything else, borrow the money for your nursing license. You need to take care of you, and nursing definitely pays well.

olga

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I'll give that some thought, tho, Loon--I don't mind asking for a loan, but I loathe having to tell "the world" that I married (and dearly love--who knew??) one of the world's stupidest people, who apparently though he was above everything. If it was my fuck-up, I'd own up to it, and find the money somewhere.

welcome back hon

Not sure what to suggest, other than that his screwups are not yours, even though they affect you so directly. I know about the pride thing, but if swallowing it and feeling grotty for a bit gets you to where you need to be (the nursing licence), then go for it. You're certainly not weak and you're not the source of his financial fuckup. You take WAY WAY too much on your own shoulders.

Love L

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Yeah, I know you can "deal " with them--but usually you are more successful at that if you have an IRS Atty, who knows all the tricks. Can't aford that

Other issue is that once you settle for a reduced sum, they often expect it paid rather quickly. Which of course is impossible for us.

I ave decided to call one of my two EXTREMELY WEALTHY brother/cousins--both came from nothing and made fortunes by their hard work and shrewd business abiity. One is already helping my daughter find a new job, so that just leaves JC (NO not jesus, Jimmy)

For what its worth, my dear hubby has seen the errors of his ways,and what it is and will cost us. I think reality has finally dawned on him that he's not some special person that can like make himself invisible if he chooses. And that we are trying to live a STABLE life here, something that was a bit new to him when we met. I believe he finally understands that he is 55 and just can't live that life any more--neither of us can, tho we sure as hell miss it, there comes a time to settle a bit and act (even a bit) like those horrid, straigh-ass yuppies we used to throw things at as we rode by them. Or as we shafted them in the bar. And-0oh, BTW==we don't HAVE $200 for you to buy an eight of crank, sorry charlie.

You know whats funny? I have to have money to make money to get us out of this--catch 22, anyone?

Off to get my $80 of Rx's filled-- no Ernesto yet, but rain and wind are a-coming

china, who hates the fuck out of growing up.HATES IT!! I want to be 35 again--but thats another story--

P.D. Did I mention that I CANNOT mention my back in anyway if I am to get a job in a hospital? Oh, yeah, no old gimmpy nurses who haven't worked in a hospital in 10 years need apply.

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Well, I did it--emailed cousin Jimmy and basically begged for money. It was an awful experience, truely one of the many bottom points of my life. I feel like he will come thru for me, but god, that was the worst.

But--I have run out of resourcves and choices--

So, pray to the diety of your choice, light candles, slaughter sheep, whatever is your own ritual for suppication to the universe for good things to happen. I am an equal-opportunity receiver of prayers, rituals, supplications, etc.

china

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Man, Redog, that was some fucking goat!! (or sheep, or both--I know some great sheep jokes, but that's for later) I already heard back from my cousin, who is mailing me a check today--"don't worry about paying anything back till you're on your feet."

I have cried because I was depressed, and anxious, but I am absolutely wiped out by his generosity and kindness--and by the people on this board.

Now--can I get my fingerprints done tomorrow during the "faux hurricane"??? Honestly this place has gone crazy. My husband says he stayed thru Hugo, and anything else is a "pussy hurricane " and we're not going anywhere. Oh, I did take down the wind chimes and bring in the porch chairs. Guess that will do--

Love to you all--and don't forget your necessary hurricane supplies--a bag of ice, a shotgun and a joint.

And since that afvice came from my friend, Big Barbara, add a big ole bottle of Sharaz.

china--hoping Jim Cantore doesn't show up here--the man's a jinx!!!!

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that was some fucking goat!! (or sheep, or both

that was some fucking goat!! (or sheep, or both

I AM NOT!!!! oh, you weren't using fuck as a verb, oh ok i understand now.

so, where's the sheep jokes?

(ps, i think maybe the tide is turning for you...maybe it's your turn to be outside with the big bowl when it rains gravy)

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I already heard back from my cousin, who is mailing me a check today--"don't worry about paying anything back till you're on your feet."

I'm SO glad to hear this... I hope it's just the first sign that things are taking a turn for the better. You bloody well deserve it!

As far as the hurricane goes... er.. stay safe? Haven't a clue what the right thing to do in one is, other than that they sweep through leaving major disaster areas. Hope your husband is right and it's just a "pussy" one.

Love L

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Heya ChinaOB,

1. DH is an idiot, except for marrying you. All you can do is tell him what makes sense, and know you've got a separate account.

2. Family, when it works, works well. Do the best you can with your family's support and they'll be rewarded. Really. Obviously JC thinks well of you.

3. I hope this hurricane thing leaves you out of it. Best case, I hope you get a good storm out of it.

--ncc--

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Well, once again, I am doing all the work--I called the IRS today, to set up an apt. Was told by a VERY rude woman the office here only helps file returns, and that we have to go by there, to make an appt. to go there/. Yes. hubby said"Oh, you are going with me, right?"

So--we have to find a tax atty. I keep asking him what all he has--get no straight answes, so I go in his room/office this afternoon and find there are W-2's that have never even been opened. No W-02's for 2004, when, according to the Social Security startement, he made about $48,000. NO W-2's prior to 1998. He doesn't know when he lastfiled, cause "I didn't keep any copies of anything.""

I got them in order, and found a tax atty here who will take questions by E-Mail.

Do you have any idea exactly what sort of unspeakable rage I am in right now?? I could kill him, and no one would do anything but applaud.

Had pdoc appt this AM--he told me he could tell how "well" I am doing, and switched me to Adderral wgich apparently was the plan, he sorta wanted me to work my way up.

They can't touch my unemployment, and as soon as the nursing liscense comes thru, I WILL have a seperate account. Not that that will help--I will still have to work for years so he can pay this shit off. All our plans--including our trip for C'mas--are on "hold". Well, guess what? I am going to see my kids at C'mas and he can sit here and rot. I was going to retire next year--

And he just doesn't get it--keeps telling me how much he loves me, blah blah blah. What a complete idiot.

There is no way this won't cost me out the ass--

Does he have even the remotetest idea how ugly and mean I can get? He is "fixin" to find out. Some things are, as Dr. Phil says, "deal breakers" I believe this may be one of those. But jesus. I don't want to go thru another divorce, and moving, and all that shit. I thought this time I had it right, that this one would work.

WHY didn't he at least tell me?? Or, worse, why didn't I ask, cause I had a good idea he wasn't filing.

I am sick, and sad, and infuriated, and feel betrayed--Oh yeah, lets "Grow Old Together" like it says inside our wedding rings, etc. Except I have to pay for everything again--all my fucking life I have worked my damn ass off to pay for no-good, lazy, stupid men. ALL MY LIFE--I have worked 50-60 hours a week sometimes, and I am tired, and I don't want to do this any more.

Jesus, this hurts so fucking bad, I can't stand it. I just want it to stop.

china

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Be careful what you wish for--we met with a tax guy, total disaster, I stormed out of the office and actually threw things.

Bottom line--gfuess once I get my liscense and a job, I am on my own again.

I am exhausted, and angry, and so sad I could just die--I feel like a total failure. This is my third strike, folks, and I am definately out.

I have no place to go, no way to get there, no place or way to move my stuff, and--for the time being--no job.

This was supposed to be the person I grew old with, my refuge, my soulmate, the right person at the right time.

All gone now--

Everything is gone,

I tried to cut my wrists earlier--can't find a shrp enough blade (I seem to have tough skin)

Last night I took 5 Klonopin--nothing--

So I guess I live with someone who has already told me to leave, has told me all this is my fault--which its not--has told me I am lazy and self-centered and that I never have ever cared about him, ever--I was lonly looking for a "free ride".

So much for china--she doesn't even exist anymore. It was all made up anyway just like my life, apparently.

I love you guys--and thanks

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China, I am SO sorry you are going through this. Please, please stay with us, ok? It feels horrible now, it IS horrible now, but you have survived worse. You are one tough chick and you are going to get through this. It's not over, as long as there is breath in your body there is another chance. Please give yourself that chance.

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china

i wish i could make this all go away for you. you've had one hell of a year, and this... the way he is acting, it's so fucking unfair. but you're strong. you've ridden out worse storms, and yes, it gets tiring fighting all the time... but keep up the fight.

my thoughts are with you.

penny

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I am exhausted, and angry, and so sad I could just die--I feel like a total failure. This is my third strike, folks, and I am definately out.

And only 8 more innings to go, not counting overtime!

But seriously, why do you have to be the one to feel like a faliure - you're not the one who thought tax laws didn't

apply to him.

I have no place to go, no way to get there, no place or way to move my stuff, and--for the time being--no job.

That's only for the time being.

So much for china--she doesn't even exist anymore. It was all made up anyway just like my life, apparently.

Here's a little secret that maybe doesn't belong here - we're really all made up and we all have to revise the

story once in a while.

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