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I need to talk now, but I'm not suicidal


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I haven't read alot on this board, but that's because I'm a blubbering idiot over my own issues, nevermind someone elses. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I admit I need to talk to someone. But it will probably be a lot longer yet before I'll admit I need to seek professional help. End result? I'm miserable and I really need someone to talk to. I need someone who can just listen to everything I have to say, and hopefully give me some sound advice.

A little background to help you decide if you can talk to me or not: I'm a 25 year old female, living on my own for the first time (moved out in April). New city, new job, new boyfriend. And I'm miserable. I'm scared because my mom committed suicide when she was 28, and I'm approaching that age and feel that while I may not be thinking of suicide now (and haven't in the past actually), I think my lifestyle is putting me at risk for it. I have depression (have for 10 years), but I really don't want to take any meds for it. I keep telling myself I'm fine, or that I'm only a little depressed. But at what point does it move from "I'm stressed out, I'll get over it" to "I need help"?

Anyway, if you're on right now and think you can help me sort through some of this, please please send me a message here, or check my profile for contact info.

Thanks for reading and hope to hear from someone soon.

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Hey there Ebby girl, here to listen. Talking is a huge HUGE step so don't under estimate it!!! I don't think that there are many feelings worse than not being heard. There are always ears to hear you here. Some just listen, and some guide. Mine will be whatever you need them to be!!

I have been where you are. Depression sucks and can eat you from the inside out. Here are a few things to remember...

1. You are NOT your mother. Your path is your own and no one elses.

2. You will deal with your depression the way you see fit, on your terms.

3. Being 25, on your own for the first time, in a new city, in a new job, in a new relationship is petrifying..your normal to be in a tail spin!!!

Ebby girl, take a breath, close your eyes....In all this chaos and change, do you have something that is the same? Did you bring something with you, (a pet, a comforter, a plant,) from your past? Something that makes you feel safe? If you didn't, think of something that fits the bill and send for it if you can. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just a thing. When everything is new and scary, bring something old and safe along( i have a teddy bear that I have had for like 30 years, can you imagine how pretty it is now?) Take it slow and easy and give yourself a break. The fact that you are reaching out and talking is a major step, you have sooo much new shit happening and change is soo hard. Hold on, take it all in little tiny bites, find a reason to smile today, and me and a bunch of others are here to hear!!!

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Hey there, welcome!

Any of those three is is a stress. In fact if you look at that old life stressor scales, each of those ranks at the very top of the scale. Oh, and anniversaries are too!

You already know that depression runs in the family, and you know that you have it. Stress feeds and triggers mental illness. It is not a surprise that you might reach the point of needing professional help. When you do, no amount of will power or think happy smiley stickers is going to fix things.

Even though you know things are well now, I guarantee that you really don't know how bad it is until you get better and are back in the swing of things and recall how hard it is now.

The best thing you can do to ensure your safety, and to actually enjoy life is to see a pdoc and discuss whether meds and talk therapy can help you.

You have to ask for help to get it.

good luck with the new job, and beau.

a.m.

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I feel like I'm walking a very thin line and that the slightest breeze is going to knock me over. To add to all my current stressors, my new beau decided today that he thought he wanted a girlfriend, but really its too soon since his last breakup (about a year ago to my understanding). That hurts to no end because (and hopefully I'm not sounding cheesy or obsessive) I think he's the greatest guy I've ever met and he's pretty damn close to being perfect in my mind. I really thought everything was great with him (except for his tendency to say he's not good enough for me and that I'd be better off without him). It doesn't help that he's the very first boyfriend I've had that everyone in my family actually likes.

I don't have alot of friends (another issue in my life). So I don't have much of a support system. I want to talk, but I'm so sick of crying. I can't talk to to my family about getting real help because my grandma thinks since my mom committed suicide while she was seeing a psychiatrist that it's all the psych's fault.

I felt so bad last night that all I did was take a sleeping pill and go to bed at 8:30. And I feel bad for doing that...like I don't want to face my problems. But I'm so beyond not being able to cope that I just can't deal with anything right now. I walk around all day like I'm a zombie, not talking to anyone, and I can't make myself smile at anything.

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Sounds like now is a good time to start building a support network, professional or otherwise! When I wrote last time, things were stressful, but you had some pretty good things happening. Smiley faces don't fix things, never said that they did, but familiararity can help security. Now, things have changed. Sorry to hear about the guy thing. Losing someone always sucks, but its worse when you feel sideswiped. Ebby, keep talking, don't hold things inside or it turns to poison.Keep it going!!!! What do You think about couseling/therapy? Depression is very different from feeling bad. Unless people have been there, they can't understand. It is not something that you just get off your ass and get over. If it was, there wouldn't be doctors and medication for it! Take advantage of what is out there to help you feel better. Get a handle on it before it gets further out of your control. The way you feel is awful, but you can feel better. You will feel better!!!

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Untreated mental illness only gets worse with time. I ignored my low moods for a long long time and suffered alone in silence. Then I went psychotic. I could have killed myself or someone else very easily. It was that bad. Get help before things get worse. You deserve to feel better than this. Let yourself get the help you deserve.

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I'm with Lachesis. We're all most of us nutso here, but most of us take meds and do talk therapy to get out of the rut. That's why so much of the topics discuss the various medications and how they help/hurt.

You can start a Springer thread to talk, and folks will come and listen. But the message is likely to be: you are a worthwhile person with a lot of potential, and you don't have to live feeling like you're walking a thin line. There are therapists and meds (if you want them) that can help.

And it's like Air Marshall said: when you've been feeling low for a long time, that feels normal. When you get the help you need, it's like the shackles (or deep snow, as I like to think of it) have been lifted. Things are much, much easier when depression has been lifted.

I was in talk-only therapy for about 10 years before I went on meds. It was scary for me to think about. So I don't want to say go out and get medicated today! But please find a therapist to talk to. We'll do what we can, but having a professional, someone who can shine a light on what you're feeling, can give you a huge headstart to feeling better.

lily

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Hey Ebby Girl,

I just wanted to drop in and say hello...you have found a great "virtual" support system here at crazyboards! Seriously. The people on here are amazing. But I agree, no substitute for the real thing.

I'm a 25 year old female, with recurrent major depressive disorder...so I can totally relate to your situation.

Did you ever get therapy for your mother's suicide?

Regardless of what your family thinks about psych docs, I think it would be a REALLY good idea to invest in some therapy. Talk therapy has done absolute wonders in my life, and I don't know where I would be without it.

If $$ is a factor for therapy, depending on where you live (if near a major city) there are usually universities that have therapists in training who offer therapy at a very reduced rate, like I pay $10 a session without any insurance.

I'd be willing to help you look around if you decide that is something you want to do...I know when I'm depressed I dont' feel like making the effort to look up phone numbers, call people, etc.

Other than that, PM me if you need to chat....and keep posting here, you are amongst many people who know what you are going through.

Hugs.

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Hiya-

I'm a 28 year old female and I've been DXed with BP1 since I was 7. My mother made me stay in talk therapy until I was 18 and could decide on my own to go on meds. I think this hurt my development, because BP is a progressive brain disease and does harm your brain if left untreated in time. I do believe that depression is the same way. You should consider that there is real, organic brain damage involved that can be seen on brain imaging devices and get help ASAP.

My ex husband was seriously depressed and it impacted his whole life. He didn't know why he couldn't get out there and be social, but it was depression keeping him back. It just clouded his feelings and thinking to that extent. His stress was unimaginable because he felt like he wasn't good enough like people who seemed to have it so easy. He felt like he couldn't keep up in the world because his depression controlled his feelings and thoughts.

I know from my depressive phases, while they are bipolar depressions and a bit different than major depressions, that they do cloud my thinking and make me paranoid and less likely to take initiatives and do good things for myself, or believe in myself. When I'm depressed I believe the world is against me and it is amazing how that stress compounds and makes it all the worse.

Do get help. Consider the real, organic damage that is happening to your brain due to depression and to your entire body due to the stress hormones being released. I know that bipolar women live on average 7 years less than "healthy" women. I'm sure there is a similiar statistic for depressed women. Try to curb that statistic and get the help you deserve. You deserve a long and healthy life.

Loons

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Well, I'm feeling a bit better. At least not like I'm going to cry every two minutes. Fortunately, breaking up with my boyfriend wasn't unexpected nor filled with animosity. We are still friends at this point - something I don't think will change.

I realized today that these depressive episodes I get are coming closer and closer together, and each successive one feels like an all-time low. That should be a signal to me that this isn't just going to go away, and really I'm NOT ok. I think I will look into seeing a phsyciatrist. Seeing a regular doc does no good. They don't care what's going on. All you say is you're depressed, and they're like 'here, take this.' I think if I am to have any hope of combatting this, I need to see someone who will take all facets of treatment into account.

Also, I'm going to go to church tomorrow. I haven't been to Sunday church for about 10 years, but I've been feeling an urge to go again lately. While it may not necessarily help, I'm sure it can't do any harm either. And if it does give me some peace of mind, that's something to be grateful for.

Thank you all for the input and shoulders to lean on so far. I think this board will become on of my regular visits now. Also, thank you themind - I might take you up on the help finding someone. Will look into my health coverage first to see what my options are (isn't money *always* an issue?). Anyway, thanks and hopefully talk to you folks soon.

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The usual thing is to see a therapist (tdoc) often, and a psychiatrist (pdoc) every month or two. This is because everyone dances to the insurance company's tune, and tdocs are cheaper. Advise you to get a tdoc, and a referral from tdoc to a pdoc. You may want to sign something allowing the two of them to discuss your case, since the tdoc will know you much better. Please check into this soon, and make an appointment within a few days. How about by Wednesday? Ok? (You may have to schedule it a while in advance, but at least arrange for it by Wednesday.)

I hope you'll rethink your opposition to meds. If you're picking that up from someone who's older, take note that the SSRI's, which are relatively new, are a lot nicer than the old meds. The one I took was very much worth it, despite some rather frustrating side effects. You can check out what each one is like by reading threads here and asking questions. Refusing meds, when they are appropriate, is almost like refusing to use a ladder when you're trying to climb over a wall. Keep in mind that it's no good to wait until the last second. They may take as much as six to eight weeks to kick in, and the first one might not work very well. When they do work, they're quite impressive. Prozac worked fine the first time for me, and it started to work after only two or three weeks, but be prepared to wait longer.

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Had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. I was doing fine, then all of a sudden I was crying and just couldn't stop. I called our health information line to see where to start getting help, and the nurse that I talked pretty much said go to the dr like now. So I went to a clinic here that has a mental health section to it. Saw a counsellor, but I just couldn't seem to get the point through to her that it isn't just the last 3 months that have been bad. They have been the worst, yes, but this is a 10 year ongoing issue, not just the last 3 months. She seems to think if I just talk to someone I'll be fine. But if talk would solve this, I would have been fine 10 years ago.

She didn't think I need medication, but I pushed and at least got a psych appointment out of her for this thursday. I'll gladly talk to her, and push there for medication.

Now that I have decided to get help, they're not going to just push me aside. I'm sick of feeling miserable and I'm sick of crying. I would have preferred to start a med yesterday since it takes so long to kick in, but this is a start. I just don't know if I can handle 3 weeks or a month or 2 months while I wait for something to actually help. In the meantime, I know I have issues to work on (low self-esteem, very negative, etc.) but I could at least be on something to help me cope while I work on fixing those to a point that I can cope without medicinal aid.

I called my best friend yesterday and told her I need help. She cancelled the plans she had, got her husband to come get the baby and took me to the clinic, then stayed with me till almost midnight. She's offered to go with me on thursday, so I might take her up on that. The important thing is she understands and is there for me, and I'm finally getting help (even if I haven't really seen any yet). This bodes well...

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E.G.,

Good for on starting the ball rolling. You obviously have a friend who is worth her weight in gold. If she is willing to go on Thursday, take her up on the offer.

You said you had difficulty getting things across to the counselor. Why don't you print out your posts here and take them with you to the pdoc appointment. That way if you get tongue tied you can hand them to her.

Good luck,

a.m.

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