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Scared to be alone


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When I was younger, I didn't want to be tied down. I wanted the chance to date a lot since I hadn't dated in high school.

Now I'm 29 and I have had plenty of dating experience. I'm ready to settle down but there's no "match" anywhere to be seen. In fact, I live in a very young city and mostly seem to meet men who are younger than me and are still in "dating mode."

Suddenly I have started to feel desperate to meet someone. It's quite a terrifying feeling, really. I am attractive to men and get quite a bit of attention but I wonder how much longer it will be this way. We all know that men like younger women. If I can't meet a man now, won't it be that much harder when I'm 5 or 10 years older?

I feel very sad and worried when I begin to worry that I will never find anyone. My family is extremely small so I have always felt rather insecure and alone in the world since I don't have many blood relatives I can count on. It is so hard to face the world alone. I should have married when I was younger and had the chance. But I just wanted to be free and to have fun. Now I'm afraid that freedom has cost me companionship.

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I'm 36 and single. Slender and reasonably attractive. I have no problem getting dates - and not just with 50+ year olds. You'd be surprised by how many men in their late 20s and early 30s prefer to date women who are a few years older (and not just because they think they are "easy").

The majority of the men I've met in the last couple of years seem serious about finding a marriage partner - not just a meaningless or casual relationship. Just like most things - I think the minority few give the majority a bad rap.

Don't fret... I think there's something to be said for the whole "you'll find someone when you least expect it" thing.

And take my word on this one... waiting until you are in your early to mid 30s to get married is a good thing. You are more independent and secure and know what you want - you're less likely to marry someone and wake up five years later and realize you have nothing in common.

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devon-

i'm 28 and i'm also worried about finding the One. i'm open to men and women to settle down with and make a lifetime committment to, however i keep dating losers and there are no serious lovers to be found.

i'm afraid that i'll be single forever.

i think i'm going to start looking on dating websites for marriage-minded people or something, or at least serious people looking for serious relationships.

loon

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Thanks Sunshine and Loon-A-TiK.

The thing that is so upsetting is that I feel that guys have it made...they can dawdle, play the field, etc. and can decide to grow up and settle down at 40 or 45 and they are likely to still be attractive to women and find a mate. Meanwhile, I feel that at 40 or 45 I won't be as attractive to men ;) I will have to compete against 20-year-olds (many of whom like older men and vice versa), will have a much smaller pool of potential mates, and may have missed out on my chance to have a family. It just seems that as a woman the chips are stacked against you, especially since there are a lot of men out there who just flat-out don't want to commit to one woman PERIOD, let alone an older woman with baggage and a ticking biological clock.

I'm well educated, kind and interesting. I've had several boyfriends and dated quite a bit. But where is the guy who wants me, ONLY ME as a life partner? Does he even exist? It's truly depressing :)

*I should clarify one thing. I'm not on the baby track per se, and in fact I'm not sure I want kids. But as I get older, I am starting to realize that time is limited, and I'd like to have the OPTION to have kids if I so choose...but if there's no man within a certain time frame then essentially there's no option.

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You are right in that feeling to an extent- for whatever reason, men seem to have a longer "shelf-life" in the eyes of whoever determines what's "attractive." This is being defied every day- there are plenty of attractive older women- but it's at least cultural myth that men age better.

But like Sunshine has noted, you'll still get attention at 30, 35, 40. It may not be the exact same kind of attention- but it looks like you want someone who is serious and not just dating around. So as you age, there are less single people, this is true. You may not be as attractive as you were (although you'll probably still be attractive, you just won't look 25 anymore)... but more of the people who are dating are looking for people to settle down with, not to "hang out" with.

You can also think of it this way: The best person out there for you won't be swayed by all those 20 year olds. 20 year old girls do not know what they want (trust me, I'm basically one of them). We do not have much life experience. We may not have our own money or place or the myriad of things that "adults" have. There's a lot to desire in a woman who has made her own life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm almost 38 but people tend to think I'm about 10 years younger than I really am. Add the fact that I have 2 grown up kids (20 and almost 19), not to mention 2 grandchildren (age 2 and 1), this is enough to scare most people off.

Guys in their 20s and 30s are attracted to me but as soon as they find out "the truth", I get dumped like a piece of hot coal.

I've never been married and am almost sure I never will be. Just nobody seems to want me once they get to know me after a couple of dates.

This all makes me very depressed and brings out borderline symptoms in me, self hatred and self injury, rejection affects me DEEPLY as it just reinforces the fact of the way my mother brought me up, that I was and am a nothing, a nobody, and not worth anything, not worthy of being treated the way she treated my other siblings.

I long for the day I will no longer be here in this world. My goal for the past few years has been, if Im still single by the time I turn 40, I will kill myself on my 40th birthday. That's not a threat, it's a promise to myself.

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yes all,

i too feel my biological clock a little (not loudly, but i know i need to make up my mind), and the desire for actual committment. i've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and as you all know, he is not into marriage and we're spinning our wheels. it is never going to go anywhere.

what is a girl to do? will our shelf-life decrease our desireability as we age and make us less attractive to the already diminished pool of potential mates? most of the potential mates will either be already taken, have baggage, or be into 20-yr-olds. what would we have to look forward to at 40 besides a nice 401k? (and for me not even that, depending on how long i stay on ssd).

i haven't dated anyone except my boyfriend in the few days since i found out i got my ssd, but i'm wondering- if i did decide to date, what would guys' reactions be to a 28-yr-old on SSD for mental health issues? would they automatically write me off? i've traditionally had better luck with the older guys who understand that life isn't perfect and are less judging.

maybe that is our ticket after all- the older guys who will be our age when we get older won't judge us for our wrinkles or our gray hair, because they'll understand that life isn't perfect by then, just like they understand my mental health issues. interesting thought...

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